Himbo Hitman
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Read between May 31 - June 1, 2025
11%
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I’m killer with a pew pew. There’s one problem though. The last two jobs I went on, I ended up with cold feet. Worse, even. Frozen feet. I’d lifted the gun, looked my mark in the eyes, and all the fear and panic that flashed through them hit me right in the chest like they’d fired their own weapon. I couldn’t do it. So with an apology and a pinky swear, I sent them both into hiding. It felt like a win-win-win. They
12%
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Akuna Ma-ta-tas. Still weirds me out that Disney was singing about titties, but the message applies.
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“Sorry,” I explain, torn between helping him with the bleeding or shooting him again. “I was aiming for your head. I’m not a very good shot.” “Fuck you!”
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“Actually, there’s one more thing.” He looks ready to hit me again. “Have you ever heard of a pinky swear?”
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“Like … the coffee?” I clarify, trying to decipher whether this is code for something I don’t know. Like … shit. Umm. Maybe I’m gonna cap-a-ccin-hole in your head? I shake the thought away because that’s a reach even for me.
16%
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St. Clare blatantly checks me out. He’s fucking hitting on me. He’s hitting on the guy who almost killed him.
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To his wrist. And the bright red plastic strawberry peeking out from under his sleeve. A happy charm.
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“Pity,” St. Clare says. “My pretty mouth can do a lot of very pretty things.”
21%
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If anyone ever did want to kill me, all they’d need to do is chase me up some stairs.
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“Hey, man, we’re all just trying to get by out here. What’s one person’s red flag is another’s ideal quality.”
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“Yeah, but don’t we all wish we could find someone who would kill for us?” “I’ve literally never wanted that a day in my life.” “Ah. Well. I am a romantic at heart, so …”
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Perry being a dangerous assassin and not at all the adorable puppy my libido is trying to turn him into.
26%
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As he walks out, my eyes stay pinned to his broad back, and then, very slowly, they dip toward his ass. I mean … I don’t hate it? Fuck.
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What I should be asking is who the fuck is self-destructive enough to flirt with the guy he was supposed to kill? Me, apparently. Maybe I really do need that gag.
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“Fucking hell, Reilly.” Lars laughs. “You still want to sleep with him, don’t you?” I shrug. “Silver linings and all that?” “So, what? He fucks you, then kills you?” I frown, disturbed by that image. “Come on. That man is clearly a bottom.” “My mistake. You fuck him, then he kills you.”
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“Give and take is important in a relationship.”
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“For fuck’s sake,” Lars mutters before handing over his phone. Your luck is here, Aries! You’ve had a rocky few days, and you’re in for a close call or two, but you’re finally on the right path. Today is your day to ask for what you want, knowing it will be a yes. It’s time to take those yeses and spin them into gold, the way only you can do!
28%
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If you ask me, I’m putting the money to better use than the original owner did anyway. Why would you pay to have someone offed when there are plenty of people struggling who you can give the money to? Rich people make me sad. Sure, I’m looked down on for not having a whole hell of a lot, but I’m happy, so shouldn’t that be the most important thing?
34%
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“Perry …” My voice is hard to recognize. “Are you sure you’re straight?” His lips part, and I wait for the immediate confirmation. It doesn’t come. “I’m not sure of anything anymore.”
35%
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Suddenly deciding that I want to kiss a guy and then just doing it feels like a slap to the face of all of that. Or maybe I’m confused. It’s not a stretch for me. I’m confused about ninety percent of my life that being confused about this, too, checks out. If I’m still making this many excuses to ignore my attraction, then I’m probably not ready for it, am I?
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watch as he reaches into one of the bags and pulls out a T-shirt that he throws at my chest. I catch it and then hold it out to see the front. It’s a puppy with floppy ears, big eyes, and a goofy expression. Underneath the image are the words “Friends fur-ever!” It’s the greatest thing I’ve ever seen. “You do love me!”
38%
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“You want to kiss me because you think you’re going to die?” “Actually, I want to kiss you because you have a very pretty mouth, and that gets my dick hard.”
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He jerks back from my hold. “Well, that was aggressive.” “Thanks?” “Not in a good way.” He wipes his mouth on the back of his hand. Wow. Right. That doesn’t hurt. “It was my first time,” I try to defend. “First time what? Being around another human?” “Kissing a man.”
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“You are way too high-strung,” he murmurs, gaze settled back on my mouth. “And you have an abnormally large Adam’s apple.” “Are you insulting me again?” “No. It just means you can’t swallow around me, ever, because it’s a kink I wasn’t aware I had before, and every time you do it, it makes me want to lick your throat.”
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“Yes? No? I think when I came, a little bit of brain shot out too.”
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All this talk of planning has gotten into my head when what I really need to do is what I do best: wing it. My whole life is run off vibes, and I’ve done okay so far.
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I’m a literal sitting fucking duck right now. Good to know.
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A fiery burn rips through my shoulder, and I glance down to find red quickly bleeding out across the white T-shirt. My friends fur-ever T-shirt. That bastard.
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“Yup. Weird, I know. You’d think I’d enjoy seeing my would-be killer turned protector turned hookup bleed out in front of my eyes. There’s obviously something wrong with me.”
53%
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I think I’m a fun guy, but as Lars pointed out, apparently my judgment can’t be trusted either. I’m loyal—just have no one to be loyal to. I have a big heart—and no one to share that with. And I’m sure I could hold down a job if this bad luck would stop following me.
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“Would you have kissed me if you didn’t think you were going to die?” He chews on his answer for a second. “No.” At least he was honest, I guess, even if it proves I was right. But Perry isn’t done. “And I would have missed out on the single best moment of my life.”
74%
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“They’re sexy. Interesting.” He releases my jaw to touch his own bullet wound. “And now we match.” “We match. What a relief.” He misses my sarcasm. “And when we’re old and married, we’ll be able to tell everyone the story of how we met. Of our … meet shoot.” I blink at him. “Don’t try and turn this into a sweet moment.” “How I knew instantly that I couldn’t kill you.” “Ah. So we’re going to turn our how we met moment into a story of how you committed a crime and got away with it.” “Almost committed a crime.” “Sorry, do you somehow think shooting a man in the ear isn’t illegal?” “Well … only if ...more
85%
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Perry is the sweetest man I’ve ever met, and there’s no way that’s going to waste. Not when I’ve only just found him.
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My bare wrist. The one tether I had to being loved and wanted in this world. The only lasting reminder of my mom. Gone. And he took it from me. My rage explodes.
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“Let’s do this!” Perry’s excitement is contagious; at least it is, until he pushes to his feet and almost as soon as he’s vertical, his skates go out from under him and with a quick meep Perry hits the floor, ass-first.
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Perry Nikov is himbo husband material. And he’s all mine.
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With St. Clare. With my pookie. A complete matching set.