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Caiden’s laugh is loud and foreign to my ears and I realise it’s the first time since we met that I’ve seen him even remotely happy. He’d be just as beautiful as his brother, I think to myself, if he wasn’t so fucking angry all the time.
Jamie, who I want to hate because Cooper loves him and he loves Cooper, and no one loves me.
“I feel like I’m drowning, Cooper. All the time. Like there’s all this water and it’s pushing me down, holding me under, and there’s no one there to save me.”
“I’ll be your lifejacket. I’ll always save you, Caiden. Always.”
“I love you, baby.” “Always and forever, right?”
“I love you,” I say in the tiniest whisper. “Cooper!” he yells. “Open your eyes Coop, please, please open them. Don’t leave me. I can’t do this without you. Please. I love you. I need you.”
Grief is a monster that hangs on your shoulders until you’re too weak to fight it. Until exhaustion settles in and the monster whispers in your ear to just give up. I think if you’re strong enough, you can fight it off. I think you can win and grief can become a part of you but not enough to control you. But my monster has won because I am not strong. I never have been.
“If you think you were barely hanging on, you have no idea what losing Cooper - and then you - did to him. Don’t make him have to bury you too.” Caiden’s head drops as I turn away from him.
“I think he’s punishing himself.” My stomach twists with guilt when I add, “and I think I’m partly to blame.”
“We were two peas in a pod. Best friends and worst enemies all in one.” I smile wistfully. “And now he’s somewhere out there watching me run my life into the ground one step at a time because I don’t know how to be half a person.”
“You’re scared, I get that, so am I. You’ve turned everything upside down and I barely understand myself at the moment, but I do know this. I’m not comparing you and I don't wish you were him. Whatever paths we took led us here, to this moment where I'm with you, sunshine. You.”
“What do you want, Jamie?” My forehead rests against his, our eyes locked on each other. “Tell me you missed me,” he says. “Tell me you wanted to see me, even if it’s a lie.” “It wouldn’t be a lie.” Tilting my head, I ghost my lips over his. “I missed you. I want you.” My lips press roughly to his. “I’ve never wanted someone so badly.” Jamie deepens the kiss, his tongue sliding inside and swallowing my moans.
“Do you want that? To be mine?” Whimpers fall from my lips and my body writhes beneath his as he works me over, hard and fast. “Say it.” “Yes!” I cry out, pleasure blasting out of me as I nod my head - at his words, at his touch, at the pure rightness of the moment. Mine.
“It is what I want, but I think I’m afraid to want too many things. The more I hold on to, the more things that make me happy, the more I have to lose.” He squeezes me tighter and whispers, “I think I’m broken.” I kiss his chest. “Well then we can be broken together. But for what it’s worth, I don’t think either of us are broken. You said it yourself, I’m not damaged and I'm saying, neither are you. We’re human. It’s okay to be scared, Jay.”
“Love isn’t a finite, tangible thing that we give away once and then it’s gone. It’s infinite and renewable and available in abundance. And it is scary because we don’t know what’s around the corner, but you can’t let fear hold you back.”
“I forgot, you know?” His brows furrow, that groove in his forehead that I love so much, appearing. “Forgot what?” “What it felt like to not be alone for Christmas. What it felt like to be part of something. Even before, Christmas wasn’t like this.” Choosing a side when my parents split put a damper on all our family holidays. “It’s dizzying, in a nice way but I’m afraid it’s not real, like because it’s so good, it can’t possibly be true.” I sniff and wipe my eyes. Jamie kisses my forehead, holding his lips against my skin for one, two, three heartbeats. “What do you need?” Placing one hand on
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“You, Caiden Carrington, are the best gift I never even knew to wish for,”
“I love you.” Caiden’s eyes go glossy and he blinks rapidly. Resting one hand on the back of his neck, my fingers threading in his curls, I pull him forward so our foreheads are touching. “I love you. I can’t promise you forever, because we both know that’s not a promise anyone can make. But I can promise you every breath and every beat of my heart.” My free hand finds his and lifts it, coming to rest over my heart. “It beats for you, Caiden.” Then I move our hands to my ribcage so he can feel the rise and fall of my chest. “For you.” His hand comes up to my neck, and rests on the back of it,
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“I saw the way you loved him, so I’m choosing to believe that you would be happy for us. I choose to look at the stars and know you’re smiling down at us, rooting for us.” I sit back on my knees, my jeans completely soaked and my teeth chattering. “You’d be so proud of him, Coop. He’s strong, and he’s brave, and he’s funny, and he has the biggest heart.” I’m crying, but my lips tip up at the same time. “He’s perfect and I’m going to love him the way he should be loved. I’ll love him for both of us and I’ll never let him feel alone.”
“I’m saying goodbye now. Goodbye to the future I once dreamed of for us. Goodbye to the love we shared.”
“While he may have once been my world, you are my entire universe. You are the sun, and the moon, and every cosmic space between. You are the greatest thing to ever happen to me, and the greatest love I have ever known.”
“I love you,” I say. “Thank you for being stubborn and not letting me push you away, and for choosing me.”
“Hey brother,” Caiden says. “Today’s a special day, shine brightly on us, okay? I’ll be looking for you.” I squeeze his hand. “Ready?” “To be your husband? Never been more ready.”
