That One Moment

by C.S. Autumn

They are a contradiction. One light, the other dark. Identical twins. Only not.

“But she has a son who is….” He’s what? Annoying? Charming? Stupidly attached to my twin? So intriguing and gorgeous, I want to hate him because that’s the safest reaction?

Caiden’s laugh is loud and foreign to my ears and I realise it’s the first time since we met that I’ve seen him even remotely happy. He’d be just as beautiful as his brother, I think to myself, if he wasn’t so fucking angry all the time.

Jamie, who I want to hate because Cooper loves him and he loves Cooper, and no one loves me.

“I feel like I’m drowning, Cooper. All the time. Like there’s all this water and it’s pushing me down, holding me under, and there’s no one there to save me.”

I think I’m smiling and I’m okay, because even though it’s dark and I never got to do all the things I wanted to, I can see Caiden and Jamie in a sea of light and they’re all I ever needed. And I’ll find them in the stars one day.

Grief is a monster that hangs on your shoulders until you’re too weak to fight it. Until exhaustion settles in and the monster whispers in your ear to just give up. I think if you’re strong enough, you can fight it off. I think you can win and grief can become a part of you but not enough to control you. But my monster has won because I am not strong. I never have been.

“Love isn’t a finite, tangible thing that we give away once and then it’s gone. It’s infinite and renewable and available in abundance. And it is scary because we don’t know what’s around the corner, but you can’t let fear hold you back.”