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I don’t really like the tropics. The last time I went to the Caribbean I wound up in a bongo factory, forced to make bongos.
I had been dating this woman, and we were really being in love. I can’t remember her name right now, but she’s great.
Why, then, you’re wondering, did I call Don back and agree to go on the trip with him? Someone lit a fire under me. And that someone was Conk and Conky Pingle. They dragged me into an alley and lit a fire under me. They said that if I didn’t pay them the money I owed them, they would put a device on my head. “What kind of device?” I said. Not a device, they said, a vise.
She opened a creaky cabinet, tearing several spiderwebs apart. I felt sorry for the spiders and all the work they had done.
I kissed her on the cheek. Don claims I made out with her, but Don’s a liar.
WHEN YOU have a real treasure map in your hand, all sorts of thoughts go through your head. The first is, Don’t lose the map. The second is, Hey, what happened to the map? The third is, Oh, yeah, I gave it to Don. The fourth is, Hey, where’d Don go? The fifth is, Oh, there he is.
Don made me swear on the Bible to keep the whole thing secret. I went and got my Bible. Inside I had carved out the shape of a gun in the pages. That’s because if I ever get a gun, I’m going to hide it in there. If I’m at home when a burglar breaks in, I’ll say something like “Is it okay if I read my Bible while you’re robbing me?” Who’s going to say no? That would be crazy. And then I’ll open the Bible to the Ten Commandments and say, “Thou shalt not…” And when the burglar says, “Thou shalt not what?” I’ll pull out the gun and kill him.
“God says we shouldn’t crave gold,” said Uncle Lou, puffing on his cigar. “But that’s easy for Him to say. His whole throne is made out of it.”
The trouble with going to Uncle Lou’s was he was always drugging you.
I’d like to throw a hand grenade sometime. Imagine pulling the pin out, throwing the grenade at something, and watching whatever you threw it at blow up. Maybe I’ll get to do that in Heaven.
We came in low over the jungle. It looked so peaceful, except for the volcano shooting boulders into the air and the monkeys fighting each other in the treetops.
“Do you really think a guy who owns the whole Coca-Cola Hotel and can afford to have all his teeth sharpened, cares anything about golden monkeys?”
BY THE next day, things had improved. My fingers were still swollen from the window slamming down on them, but getting better. So was my paper cut. And my tarantula bite.
A boy carrying a wooden box called out, “Blacken your teeth, mister?”
She was hypnotizing, and not in a way that makes you quit smoking.
Before he stormed off, Don told me to meet him at the wharf on Friday or he would head upriver without me. Oh, great, now I’m supposed to know what day of the week it is.
I had dreams once. Once I wanted to build the world’s longest suspension bridge. But then I found out someone else had already done it.
Once I dreamed of putting an end to all fighting—except between women, for entertainment purposes.
I’ve always wanted to be an inventor. But the “powers that be” have decided the world doesn’t need things like the cardboard canoe, for when you only feel like canoeing for an hour or so and you’re too lazy to drag your canoe out of the water.
One by one my dreams had been dashed against the wall like helpless coconuts.
There was a spring in my step, so much so that people told me to stop doing it.
I noticed things I had never noticed before, like the dew on the spiderweb and the blood on the giant spiderweb.
There’s something about breathing through a snorkel, suspended in pickle brine, that really makes you sleepy.
We weighed anchor, cast off, and did some other nautical things. I want to say “screwed the pony,” but that’s not right.
In the jungle you come to realize that death is a part of life. The bat eats the moth. Then the giant moth sucks the life out of the bat. Then the monkey eats the giant moth, pulling the wings off first, because he doesn’t like that part. Then the monkey gets a parasite from the moth that slowly eats his brain. It’s all part of the beautiful circle of life.
most murderers are not the crazy mass murderers you hear about. In fact, most murderers have only murdered one or two people. And most of those were either relatives or someone who gave them a bad look.
Two servants met us at the dock and carried our stuff, which was nice because my arms were tired from littering.
As soon as I saw him I could tell that he was pure evil. I’ve only had that feeling a few times in my life. I’d say about forty or forty-five times. My mailman is pure evil.
Don made the mistake of asking what his lecture was about. Never ask someone that. Doctor Ponzari said it was about his efforts to breed a new coconut that was meatier, insect-resistant, and drought-tolerant. In other words, a monster coconut.
Doctor Ponzari was clearly evil, but when I saw him playing catch with his son, I thought, What a spaz.
I loved ringing the big cast-iron bell. “Hey, everyone, it’s midnight!”
Birds evolved from dinosaurs, but guess what dinosaurs evolved from. That’s right, birds.
A skeleton is more afraid of you than you are of him.
The more you flip something, like a pancake, the more flippable it becomes.
If Superman ever visited Tarzan, at first they’d get along, but then Superman would finally have to say, “How can you live like this?”
Street signs would work better if they added the words You Idiot. For instance, instead of just Stop, the sign says Stop, You Idiot.
When you howl to make your dog howl, he’s not howling to sing along, he’s telling you to shut up.
If you put your shoes on the wrong feet and walk around, eventually you will split in half.
The best thing about going to outer space is being able to go to a party and say, “I’ve been to outer space—where’ve you been?”
When you die you become pure energy, but it’s not what we call a “usable” kind of energy.
Humans are evolving into a higher form and a lower form at the same time. Confused? Then guess which one you are.
Soon I was back in my jail cell. That’s what I called my guest room.
Following does not usually end well. One time I started following this actress. It’s not like I’m crazy; I was just obsessed with her.
I have to admit, the ruins were impressive. But like so many civilizations, they forgot the one rule that might have saved them: don’t let vines grow all over you.
He had found an entrance to the Great Temple. Guarding the doorway was a statue of a man with a big cactus thorn through his penis. I think it meant “No Refunds.”
I hope if I ever get reincarnated I can make a deal where I come back as a million ants. That way, even if I get stepped on or attacked by an anteater, I don’t care, because there’s lots more of me where that came from.
You can’t help thinking about the families of the pirates. Every night a pirate’s “old lady” would be patiently waiting for him at the back door. But never again would she hear the gentle tap of his peg leg on the porch, or hear him blaspheme when he saw the dog chewing on his spare peg.
The great thing about turtle man is he cooks in his own shell. You basically use the shell as a big pot, pull him onto a fire, and he simmers in his own juices. Of course you have to pry off the breastplate and scoop out the guts, but that just takes a crowbar, a good knife, and a bucket. Then when the flippers and the head fall off, you put them in the shell with the rest of the meat. Like a stew.
LATER THAT day, as we sailed through a narrow stretch of river, I made a puppet out of a sock. It was actually just a sock, but if you make a funny high voice, it “becomes” a puppet.
What was wrong with her? Was she crazy? A pretty girl who was also crazy was something I’d never heard of.
