Graduation (Kingmakers, #5)

by Sophie Lark

“Trouble in paradise?” she says. Ever the spy. She was probably watching Adrik’s and my entire conversation. Adrik respects Sloane more than almost anyone. Probably more than he respects me. If I were going to be jealous of anything, I should be jealous of that.

“I might have made a mistake coming here.” “Maybe you did,” Sloane says, evenly. I turn to face her, anger rising all over again. “You don’t think I could do what you do?” Sloane picks up a folded towel, drying her hands with easy grace. “You haven’t put in the time and you haven’t done the work. You want to be a queen and you don’t even speak the language.” “I’m learning as fast as I can,” I hiss. “This isn’t a classroom. There’s no room for mistakes.” “Yet you’ve made a few of your own,” I snap back at her. Sloane doesn’t rise to the bait. Her calm is a steady vibration that fills the room, pressing against my ear drums. Her eyes hold mine, bright and clear and hypnotic. “You think I came to Russia to kill Ivan with guns blazing, pew pew I’m a fuckin’ gangster? When I broke into his monastery, I knew my life was stretched out like a thread across a pair of shears. I made one tiny mistake and the tide turned against me in an instant. If Ivan didn’t happen to have a tiny kernel of humanity inside him, I would have met a horrific end. If you think any of these other men are Ivan, they’re not. They will skin you alive. They don’t care that you’re beautiful, they don’t care that you’re special—you’re nothing to them.” I lift my chin. “I’ve never needed anyone to save me yet.” Sloane looks me up and down. It’s hard not to shrink before that stare, especially when I know she’s seeing every last detail: the dark circles under my eyes, the motor oil under my nails, the little red...

“This is what you want?” I sneer at Adrik. “A lapdog who agrees with everything you say? Even when he KNOWS it’s the wrong choice! But no one will call you out because they also know you’re a stubborn fucking DICTATOR who won’t listen to anyone but himself!” “I should string you up by the ankles for what you did,” Adrik snarls, his voice low and vicious. “You HUMILIATED me!” I scream back at him. “I made a deal, I gave my word, and you carried me out like a toddler! You think Kovalenko’s gonna keep that to himself? He’ll tell the whole fucking city! No one will respect me, because my own partner doesn’t!” The memory of Adrik throwing me over his shoulder makes my whole body burn with a heat that’s painful, that feels like it’ll swallow me whole. I wish it fucking would. I’ve never been so embarrassed, or so hurt. I see the tiniest flicker of shame on Adrik’s face—acknowledgment that what he did was wrong. But he won’t fucking say it, he won’t admit it or apologize. I’m so tired of the lies. Tired of the bullshit. I want the truth, once and for all. Pointing my figure at Adrik I say, “Are you going to treat me as an equal or not?” Adrik looks at me, his jaw flexing. “I’m always going to do what I think is right. For all of us.” “So that’s a no?” “I’m not going to go against what I know is best for me and my men.” “THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME THAT IN DUBROVNIK!” I scream at him. “I was honest from you with you from the beginning! I told you exactly who I was and what I want...

“How are we supposed to find one girl out of twelve million people?” Andrei complains. “She’s a gorgeous American, how hard can it be? Fucking FIND HER!” I yell. We don’t find her. My phone remains dark and silent—no messages, and no missed calls.

Knowing that Adrik had been tracking me, spying on me, made me feel slimy and exposed. I wouldn’t have minded sharing my location if he’d asked me first, or if it was mutual—the ability to find each other makes sense from a safety perspective. But as per usual he did whatever the fuck he wanted with no consideration for what I think.

I could fucking kill him for that. And yet I miss him, I miss him already. I miss how I felt with him—elated, euphoric, invincible. The whole world illuminated with beauty and infinite possibility. But it was a lie, all a fucking lie. And that makes me angrier than anything. I hate that he tricked me. I hate that he created this attachment between us. He sewed us together down every limb, and now that I’m trying to pull away from it, it’s ripping me apart. It feels like I won’t survive it.

“I split up with Adrik,” I say at last. It doesn’t feel good to say it. Actually, it feels fucking awful. Real in a way it wasn’t before. “I kinda figured that would happen.” I lift my head to glare at her. “Could you try not being honest for once in your fucking life?” Ilsa shrugs. “You’re a terrible girlfriend and you’re both volatile as hell.” I guess that was obvious to everyone but me. A dark wave washes over me, so heavy and cold that I sink all the way down in the battered back seat. I close my eyes, wishing I could just drown. “Hey,” Ilsa says, resting her hand on my thigh. “I shouldn’t have said that. I drank too much.” “It’s okay.” I’m blinking hard. “I just … really liked him. I thought it was going to be different this time.”

“I’m never going back to Adrik,” I tell her. “I’ll cut his heart out of his chest before I give him mine again.” Ilsa gives an irritated snort. “He still has it. Fucking look at you—I’ve never seen you like this.”

I can’t stop staring around at the damage. This is Sabrina’s rage, directed at me. Destroying everything we built. The inside of the brewery looks like the interior chambers of a heart—burned, blackened, ruined … This is how much I hurt her. Now she’s hurting me in return.

She’s been gone twenty-four hours. Every minute that passes is a spoon scooping into my guts, digging out another piece of me. There’s a hole in my chest, a deep hollow … if I lose anymore, I might collapse. I miss her. I fucking miss her.

I call the new drug Mechtat, which means Dream. It’s a lie … I’m not dreaming anymore. Not even hoping.

My feelings for Sabrina over the last six weeks have vacillated from regret to all-consuming rage. I’ve never been angrier at someone in my life. To position herself as my enemy and rival, after everything we shared … I spend hours fantasizing about the dark and depraved things I’ll do if I ever get my hands on her. Yet even in my most murderous moments, I can’t stand the thought of her catching a bullet from one of Yuri’s men. So when Koslov demands that we retaliate against Krystiyan Kovalenko, I tell him I’ll handle it myself. I order the Wolfpack to strap up, and we drive over to Krystiyan’s compound in Rublyovka.

“Baby…you are really starting to piss me off.” Krystian topples over behind me. Sabrina’s wide and startled eyes flutter from his body to his men, still unsmiling, still unmoving. Hardly seeming to register their boss on the ground. “You’re wondering why they don’t do anything? Let me explain it to you. You see that one behind you there? With the earrings? That’s Denis Radmir, we went to school together in St. Petersburg. The one beside him is Yev Tamila. They know who I am. They know that if they even think about firing a bullet at me, Jasper will come and hunt him down and cut his throat a month, six months, a year later. And if Jasper doesn’t find him, Vlad will. Or Andrei. Or Hakim. Or even fucking Chief. All these men know that. That’s the difference between a brother and a hired gun.”

“You okay?” he says at last. The weight of what I just did is already crashing down on me. I’m replaying every word, every glance between Sabrina and me. Already feeling that it was all wrong, all fucked up. I don’t know what I should have done … but not that. I can’t answer Jasper. All I can do is shake my head once. Another long silence. Then, grimacing, Jasper says, “For what it’s worth … I miss her too.” We all do. The mood in the house has been dismal the last six weeks, and not only because of me. You don’t realize how bright Sabrina shines until the light goes out. The day she left, Jasper agreed with her. He was afraid to tell me the truth. Yet another thing for him to feel guilty about. And another thing that shows me how blind I can be.

Seeing Adrik tore me apart all over again. He walked in like a warrior, radiating power and confidence. Krystiyan was a fool to step in front of him—anyone could see that no one could stand before him. He cut Krystiyan’s throat with the knife I gave him. Then he threatened me with that same knife, my fucking gift to him, my words on the handle. His face was a mask of anger and disdain. He barked at me to come with him—not a request, an order. He hasn’t changed at all. Except that he hates me now. I know how weak I was in that moment. He looked so confident, so ferocious. Everything in me was crying out for his touch. If he would have said a word of kindness or apology, if he even said he missed me … I would have melted in an instant. He didn’t say it, because that’s not how he feels. He only wants me back out of pride.

“Call Adrik,” he orders. “Tell him to meet you here.” I give a low laugh that sprays more blood across my lap. “Adrik wouldn’t answer my call, let alone come here to save me. I burned down his lab, stole his product, and I’ve been doing my damndest to run his business into the ground. You’re doing him a favor beating the shit out of me.” Another look passes between Zakharov and Cujo, as Zakharov tries to ascertain the validity of what I’m saying.

“I had a deal with Krystiyan Kovalenko. He knew the locations of Adrik’s next three shipments. Tell me where Adrik will be, and I’ll let you live.” I know where the shipments are going. In fact, the next one arrives tomorrow night. I could tell Zakharov where to find Adrik. I could even draw him a map. “I’ll make you a better deal,” I say, squinting at Zakharov as my left eye begins to swell shut. “You tell me how old that suit is, and I’ll tell you where you can buy a new one.” Zakharov’s upper lip draws up, showing long, gray teeth. “Very amusing,” he says. “Let’s see how long you keep laughing.”

“Were you aware of the Gallo’s history with the Bratva when you brought Sabrina here?” Foma Kushnir sneers. “If Dean Yenin doesn’t hold a grudge against them, I don’t see why you would,” I say to Foma, coldly. “Because they took our greatest prize,” he hisses. “Alexei Yenin made them pay.” “Not enough.” Serafim Isidor nods slowly, his expression pained. “There is no forgiving the loss of the Winter Diamond.” “That this girl even dares to show her face in our city is an outrage!” Foma cries. “She’s disrupted our finest families,” he gives Nikolai Markov an obsequious nod. “Stolen from the High Table and destroyed our property!” The fact that none of the wrongs in question were done to Foma himself doesn’t lessen his vitriol. It’s me he’s here to attack, by proxy through Sabrina. “You brought her here,” he accuses me. “She’s your responsibility.” “Yes she is. And I’ll deal with her.” “We’re past that,” Isidor says. “The High Table has issued a bounty on her head. She left the restaurant injured. The kachki are searching the clinics and hospitals. They’ll find her soon enough.” Jasper winces, partly for me and partly for Sabrina. My hands are cold and sweating. I clench them into fists. “Cujo was killed in the blast,” Dimka says, eyeing me. “Lev Zakharov, too. Do you still claim you weren’t involved?” “I didn’t know any of this!” I snarl, almost angrier at that fact than anything else. My stomach churns. If Cujo got his hands on Sabrina, I can only imagine the state she’s in....

“When things look grim … be the grim reaper.”

“I love you, Dad. And I know how much you love me.” “More than anything,” he says, cradling my head with his hand. “More than the whole world.”

I couldn’t tell my father the real reason I stayed: I need to see Adrik one last time.

She was right—going head-to-head against her fucking sucks. I always want you on my team … Every word we spoke to each other haunts me. Her voice echoes in my head all day long. I’m hollow and empty inside. Even if I start making money hand over fist, I already know I won’t enjoy it. I haven’t enjoyed anything since she left. I haven’t been happy for one single minute. That’s not going to change. Sabrina will go home to Chicago, or she’ll die here in Moscow. No matter how clever she is, how resourceful, she can’t survive long with a price on her head. I hope she goes home. No matter how much it would pain me, the alternative is so much worse.

“What are you doing here?” I whisper. Her eyes dart around the room, to all the guns pointed directly at her. So soft I can barely hear her, she says, “I just wanted to tell you … that I’m sorry.” Her eyes are huge and wet in her battered face. She blinks. Tears run down both cheeks, cold and silvery like the rain. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen her cry. I stare at her, mouth open, unable to believe what I’m seeing, what I’m hearing. Every sense is keyed to the highest pitch, my nerves so tight they feel like they’ll snap. Any moment I expect to catch a storm of bullets from both sides. “I fucked up,” she sobs. “And you don’t love me anymore.” I’ve lied to Sabrina, mislead her. But this is the one point on which I could never deceive her: “There is nothing you could do to make me stop loving you.” She closes her eyes, tears running down her face in a steady flow. I’d give anything to pull her into my arms, but I can’t move. If I even blink, someone could fire. She looks up at me again, lips pressed together so tight that the split opens, red and raw. It doesn’t matter how fucked up her face is—nothing in this world can take away her beauty. It shines out from within, a fire that can’t be extinguished. Not even now. “It’s not enough, though,” Sabrina says, her voice cracking. “If love was enough then we would have made it.”

“I’m sorry it had to come to this,” I say. “I’m sorry, too,” she says. “For everything.” Yuri is behind her now, raising his gun. I glance at Jasper on my right. Jaw tight, he gives me the smallest of nods. I take a deep breath and pull the trigger.

“So you’re back,” he says. “Yeah. Is that okay?” “God, I hope so,” he says, jerking his head at Adrik. “He’s been a fucking mess without you.” “Have you?” I say, turning to Adrik. “You looked so hot when you showed up Krystiyan’s house … it made me feel like shit.” “I was dying inside, believe me.” “So was I.” I take his hand and press his knuckles to my swollen lips. “Every fucking day.”

“Cujo’s lucky he’s dead,” he snarls. Then, shaking his head, “How the fuck did you manage that, anyway?” “Oh, it was so rad,” I try to grin without splitting my lip again. “I wish you could have seen it. I was like, dasvidanya bitch! And I blew him up.” “You didn’t really say that, did you?” Jasper says, looking supremely disappointed in me. “No,” I admit, disappointed in myself. “I wish I did.”

“Did you think about shooting me?” I ask him. “Not for a second.” “Not even half a second? After everything I did?” He looks down at me and slowly shakes his head. “It really didn’t matter what you did. I can’t not have you.”

“Thank you for forgiving me.” “I’ll always forgive you, baby girl. Just don’t leave me again.” “I won’t. I can’t.” The rain drips down off our clothes, and blood too. Soon there’s a pool around our feet, threads of scarlet diffusing across the white and black tiles. Our boots squelch in the puddles. Our bodies ache, our heads spin. I’ve never been in more pain. And yet I’m happy. So happy I could die.

You’re always going to have enemies in our world. All you can do is make it lucrative for people to keep you alive, and dangerous for them to kill you.

“You better take me someplace good,” I say. “I don’t want hepatitis from some rusty Russian needle.” “Don’t worry,” Andrei assures me. “Bitterroot has the highest standards. They lick the needle clean between every client.”

“Try not to cry,” Hakim says. “I never cry,” I say, scornfully. “Never,” Adrik agrees, giving me a sideways smile. My cheeks get hot, but I smile back at him, not really minding that he saw me in my lowest and most desperate moment. It was his, too. We were both drowning, and we both pulled each other out.

As the rag swipes down, it reveals not a black wolf, but an orange tiger. The tiger prowls up my arm, long and sleek and graceful. Like the wolf, its teeth are bared in a furious snarl. The Wolfpack laughs at the look on my face, Adrik more than anyone. “Do you like it?” he says. “I … I love it.” I really do. Adrik tilts my chin up and kisses me. “You’re one of us,” he says. “But you’re still you. You don’t have to give up your identity—just be with me.” “Always.” I kiss him back. “Enough of that,” Andrei says. “Let’s go celebrate.”

One of the first things I did after I got Sabrina back was call Ivan on the phone and ask him how I could make sure I didn’t fuck it all up again. I asked him who was ultimately in charge of his business—him, or Sloane? Ivan didn’t hesitate. “Both of us.” “But who makes the decisions?” “Sometimes me, sometimes her. She probably makes sixty percent, even seventy. She’s smarter than me, you know.” I laughed. “I’m afraid that might be true of Sabrina. It’s not so easy though. I don’t know how to put someone else’s judgment over my own. I never have.” Ivan grunted on the other end of the line—a sympathetic sound. “The best thing is to make your decisions together.” “But what if she’s wrong?” “There is no right and wrong. There’s being on one side together or being separated. I choose to be with Sloane, and her with me. Always.” That sent a shiver down my spine. It’s what I wanted too, desperately.

I promised her the ceremony could be anything she liked. “You don’t have to wear a puffy white dress or stand in a church. Just promise to be with me … and make it legal, so it’s harder for you to get away.” She laughed. Then, with more seriousness she said, “Will it make you happy?” “More than anything.” “Then I’ll do it.”

“Are you having second thoughts?” he asks me. “No …” “What is it, then?” “It’s just … I don’t ever want you to feel trapped. I want us to be together because we want to be together, not because we signed something. And … I don’t want to disappoint you.” I hesitate, pausing on the path, not quite looking at him. “If I’m not the wife you thought I would be.” He laughs, softly. “Sabrina … I want to be married to you because that’s what fits how I feel about you. Calling you my girlfriend is fucking ludicrous. You’re the other half of me. I couldn’t leave you any more than I could cut myself in two.” “And what about the other part?” “You think I want some traditional wife? When have you ever been conventional? I want you exactly the way you are, and however you’ll be in the future. I don’t have expectations for you—it’s the surprises I love. You always surpass what I could imagine.” I let out the breath I was holding. “Okay. I don’t know why I’m so stressed—maybe ‘cause I haven’t seen you enough this week. I’m never unhappy when we’re together. When we’re separated I fall apart.” “I know,” he says, cupping my face in his hand. “I feel the same.” He bends his head to kiss me.

“Tell me you love me,” he says. “I love you so much it hurts.” “Tell me you’ll always love me.” “I couldn’t stop if I wanted to.” “I’ll make you happy,” he says. “You don’t have to be afraid.” “I’m never afraid when I’m with you.”

“You’re everything to me,” he groans. “My whole entire world …” “Ya tebya lyublyu, Adrichek…” I whisper. I love you, Adrik…

“You impress me,” she says. I let out a nervous laugh. “Never thought I’d hear you say that.” Sloane smiles too. “You figured your shit out faster than I did. I was in my thirties when I met Ivan. You’re so young, you have your whole life ahead of you. Just remember, you need Adrik—and he needs you. Whenever I feel the impulse to be alone, I remind myself to draw back to Ivan. I’m always happier when we’re in sync. Stay connected—you’re both stronger together.” “I’ll try,” I say. “I’ll really try.” She presses my hand before letting go. “Thank you, Sloane,” I say, again. Her smile has a little more mischief in it now. “When you get back from your honeymoon, we should play Halo head-to-head. I just hit Diamond rank.” “Oh my god,” I laugh. “I’m scared … but excited.” “That’s my favorite feeling.” “Me too.”

“Congratulations, baby. There’s never been a more beautiful bride.” I twist the skirt of my crinoline in my hands. “Thanks, Mom. I know this isn’t really what you wanted for me …” My mom has never loved the criminal life. She fell in love with my father and she accepts him for all that he is, but this isn’t the future she would have picked for me. She looks in my eyes, tucking an errant curl behind my ear. “Oh baby, you’re so wrong … this is everything I ever dreamed for you.” Her dark eyes are fixed on mine, clear and honest, yet I can’t quite believe her. “How can that be?” “My greatest fear for you was that you were never going to find love. I see you looking at Adrik like I look at your dad, and that tells me how happy you’ll be.” “Really?” My mom nods. “I knew your dad a long time before he even noticed I existed. I remember what he was like before we met, and that’s what I never wanted for you. You are so like your dad … I worried that you would never find your equal. I’m so glad that you did, and so glad that I’m here to see it.” Relief

“I’ll always protect you,” I promise, “I’ll always trust you. I’ll always support you. I’ll believe in you, and anything you want, I’ll make it happen. You have my heart forever. You have all of me, all that I am.” “I’ll love you forever,” Sabrina says, “You and no one else. I’ll stand by you, no matter what happens. I’ll be your partner and your best friend.” The sun is at the waterline, sending out one last brilliant slice of light that dazzles on the waves. I take Sabrina’s face in my hands and I kiss her, her skin warm and golden and bright. She tastes of salt and smoke and sweetness. She is everything I want and everything I love. When we break apart, she still clings to me, looking up in my eyes. “You were right,” she whispers. “This is better. This is the best.”