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Lance-Constable Bluejohn was the biggest troll Vimes had ever met. He loomed. He was so big that he didn’t stand out in a crowd because he was the crowd;
Vimes, whose knowledge of geography was microscopically detailed within five miles of Ankh-Morpork and merely microscopic beyond that, nodded uncertainly.
Sam Vimes could parallel-process. Most husbands can. They learn to follow their own line of thought while at the same time listening to what their wives say. And the listening is important, because at any time they could be challenged and must be ready to quote the last sentence in full. A vital additional skill is being able to scan the dialogue for telltale phrases, such as ‘and they can deliver it tomorrow’ or ‘so I’ve invited them for dinner’ or ‘they can do it in blue, really quite cheaply’.
The way he saw it, dying was really just a career change.
A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.
‘Yes, your grace. You are His Grace His Excellency the Duke of Ankh, Commander Sir Samuel Vimes, your grace.’ ‘Hang on, hang on. His Grace cancels out the Sir, I know that. It’s like having an ace in poker.’ ‘Strictly speaking this is true, your grace, but great store is set by titles here and it is best to play with a full deck, mmph.’
‘No,’ said Vimes, completely taken aback. ‘I was a drunk. You have to be richer than I was to be an alcoholic.’
Well, he thought, so this is diplomacy. It’s like lying, only to a better class of people.
Homo Homini Lupus”, sir,’ said Cheery. ‘It means “Every man is a wolf to another man”.’
Vimes looked upon this as he looked upon a distant country; he’d never been there, and it wasn’t his problem. It amazed him what people got up to when they had time on their hands.
A bit of Ankh-Morpork sense of humour hissed between his teeth.
‘One bite would be one too many?’ said Vimes. He recognized the mangled mantra. ‘You’re a … a teetotaller?’
Vimes wasn’t good at forests. They were things you saw on the horizon.
He sagged to his knees. He ached all over. It wasn’t just that his brain was writing cheques that his body couldn’t cash. It had gone beyond that. Now his feet were borrowing money that his legs hadn’t got, and his back muscles were looking for loose change under the sofa cushions.
‘Things are different here, sir,’ said Carrot. ‘It wasn’t until ten years ago that they replaced trial by ordeal here with trial by lawyer, and that was only because they found that lawyers were nastier.’
Among the other unwanted baggage that had been heaped on the young Sybil to hamper her progress through life was the injunction to be pleasant to people and say helpful things. People took this to mean that she didn’t think.
‘My gods, Detritus,’ muttered Vimes as the thunder died away. ‘That’s not a crossbow, that’s a national emergency.’ A few bits of charred door crashed on to the cobbles.
we are all floating in the same boat. We may certainly try to push one another over the side, but only a maniac like Dee would make a hole in the bottom.’
I taught her that, Vimes thought, as her brother landed heavily. Some of that dirty fighting – that’s Ankh-Morpork fighting, that is.
As he walked Vimes cradled the crossbow and lit a thin cigar.
