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“And when chasing an orgasm isn’t enough for you anymore, I want you to kiss me. We’re going backwards, Gage. Make me come first and kiss me after. But when you do, when you give in and kiss me, you better be ready for the level of intimacy I’m after.”
Our hands work in synchronization. Our chests heave with the same laboured breaths. Our hips gyrate, phantom fucking through six feet of space and a glass wall.
“I know we’re doing everything backwards, but I’m trying not to fall in love with you so soon.” Instead of being spooked, Gage laughs. “Don’t try too hard.” He smirks.
All in all, I’m so glad I moved home. I need this. I think my family needs it, too.
Is it possible to love someone without fully knowing them?
“Everything in life has risks, Gage. Just gotta find the ones worth taking.”
“He likes you.” “I like him too,” I whisper to the hoist. “I like him so much.” Nathan sighs. “His birthday is tomorrow. In case you didn’t know.”
Because Gage is a beautiful man with an unhealthy inside that sometimes shines through but mostly stays hidden.
“Will you be my slow-moving boyfriend that I haven’t even kissed and barely know?”
“Other than my dad, no one really does nice things for me. I don’t really have anyone close in my life. This is… you just… damn you for making me unable to blurt my neurotic rambly things!”
I’m clay, and this is a pottery class.
Nathan is my safe space, and I’m allowed to go to him when I don’t know if I can cope or keep myself alive.
I’m happy! My smile should be real. But emotions are overwhelming, whether they’re positive or negative, and I’m crumbling a little. Suffocating under the weight of everything that feels good and dying under the pressure to keep it good.
“You’re doing that now.” “Doing what?” “Crumbling under the weight of wanting things without thinking you deserve them. You do, you know. Deserve them. You know that, right?”
Alexei thinks I’m a person. My brothers see me as a brother. My mom sees me as a son. I’m a person.
“I’m the neurotic rambler in this equation,” he says. “What’s happening?”
A minute later, his boner pokes me in the ass. “Shit. Maybe I’m better at being the little spoon. Switch.” So we roll over, and I snake my arm around his middle. A minute later, my boner is poking him in the ass.
Despite the conversation, we’re wrapped around each other and our cocks are grazing. Gage’s knee slips between my legs and mine hooks over his hip, and now we’re just firmly rubbing like it’s no big deal. But it’s a huge deal, and my face is hot!
“You’re something else, you know that?” “Something else like what?” “Just magic or something. This is magic. Us.”
“I guess my dad introducing us is like meeting the really old-fashioned way. It fits my romantic dreams.” Another switch flipped fast. I laugh. “See? I’m making your dreams come true, and you’re far exceeding mine with your complications. Be you. Be us. I love us.”
We get what we deserve, right? And this is what I deserve. A life of ups and downs because I can’t self-regulate. A lonely path with no true friends and no real connections to anything but the cycle of chasing and numbing. No love. No friendships. No family.
I’m Gage Loser Rossum. Addicted to… everything. I open the bag.
Then I break. The old me breaks away from the new me, and it hinders as much as it heals, and the whole fucking process hurts like hell. I can’t breathe. Mom says she loves me.
The toothbrush Alexei used is sitting there, and I’m weird because I put it in my mouth and start to cry.
It’s hope. Real, live, breathing hope. I’m not scared of it anymore.
“High me had high dope. Drunk me had drunk dope. Now I need to find my sober dope.”
“You’re my sober dope, Alexei. My feel-good drug. And instead of you being a substance or a thing I can overindulge in or abuse, you’re the best kind of dope because you tell me when to stop.”
My soulmate. My slow-moving boyfriend. My Gage.
“Hey, soulmate.” “Oh my god, stop! My dick needs to get soft at some point!”
One where I love a neurotic rambler but love myself, too. Because it’s been a long-ass time since I loved myself.
“I bet my dirty-talking game is better than yours.” “It’s Sunday,” he says randomly. “The Lord’s day.” “You believe in a lord?” I rock on top of him, our hardening cocks brushing lightly. “No, but I always extra-behave on a Sunday, just in case I’m wrong. You never know, and no one has the answers, Gage.”
“Icy blue. Neurotic. Rambler. Blue with black. Secret codes. Instincts, with a winky face. Morse Code. No flirting tax. Attic bedrooms. Blunt blushing.”
“I mean, who looks like that?” Alexei scoffs. “I can see his abs through his shirt. Why isn’t he wearing a protective apron?” “I’m glad he isn’t,” I mutter, but Alexei hears it and gives me another smack. “What?! You’re gawking, too.” “Not on purpose. He’s just all… there. Manly and… there.” He swallows. “God, Gage. Get your shit together.”
A+G= <3
“What are you addicted to, Gage?” “Mm, my sober dope.”
This Sunday, I really do feel good. And I finally feel healthy. Because I did the work, and by doing the work, I earned myself a soulmate. I earned Alexei fucking Kopacek.
