Alone with You

by Aly Martinez

Dying was the most god-awful, heinous, and terrifying experience imaginable. Or so I’d thought—until someone had brought me back to life. Surviving. Now that was one level of agony that could never be matched.

I didn’t give one single shit how many aces he had. We were divorced. The game was over. I had my own deck of cards now.

I had nothing left to give. My cup was already empty, so I wasn’t about to let him stab another hole through the bottom.

“Now that you own the place, you gotta remember the goal isn’t just to be the squeaky wheel. It’s to get the whole oil change.”

always and never were far more factual than the torturous maybe and possibly.

Her gaze came back to mine, the joy vanishing from her face the instant our eyes met. Awesome. That didn’t slay me at all.

You didn’t survive a narcissist if you didn’t master the ability to smile even when they were breaking you.

You just said you have no idea how to let me go again. Why is that always a fucking option for you?”

“I deserve every bit of hate and anger and resentment you feel for me. But make no mistake, I have never, not ever, not for one fucking second of my entire god-forsaken life, stopped loving you.”

I would have sat in that house with you for the rest of my life, completely alone, just to be with you.”

I didn’t want to go inside. That front door was nothing more than a portal to the past, and for once, I didn’t want to escape the present. My safe little existence locked inside those four walls made my stomach churn. I’d let a whole beautiful life pass me by. Staring at that front door, I was assaulted by visions of what could have been. Me packing the car for vacations at the beach. Us jogging down the steps, laughing as we headed out for a date night. Gwen carrying bags filled with tomatoes and zucchini after a Sunday trip to the farmers market.

Me falling to my knees when she met me at the door with a positive pregnancy test. Our daughter blowing out birthday candles as our son tried to swipe the icing. Playing catch on the front lawn. Kissing boo-boos when they fell off their bikes. Taking pictures before they headed off to prom. Cars lining the street as we hosted a high school graduation party in the backyard. Our last child driving away for college, leaving us with a heartbreakingly empty nest, but still grinning because I knew Gwen would be forever by my side. I hadn’t just let go of Gwen all those years ago. I’d let go of an entire beautiful future together. And after all the tragedy I’d experienced, that might have been the most devastating reality of all.

“No. I’m afraid I’ll lose eighteen more years with him because I’m too scared he’ll hurt me again to take the chance that he won’t.”

Only you can decide if the reward is worth the risk. But what’s gonna hurt more? Giving it a chance and it not working out? Or never trying and spending the rest of your life wondering what could have been?”

I still had an entire life in front of me. I had no idea what I was going to do. Or how I could ever move on without her, but I knew with an absolute certainty that I didn’t want to end up like him.

I love you, and if this is where you are, there is nowhere else in the entire world I’d rather be. Not even the past.”

There is nothing—and I mean nothing—I won’t do to hold onto you. I want this with you. I need this with you. I will never let anything or anyone—including myself—take you away from me again.”