Alone with You

by Aly Martinez

I’d died once and it hadn’t felt like floating through the clouds. There were no pearly gates. No bright light guiding me home. Not one fucking ounce of peace to be found.

I was perfectly capable of digging my own grave, lying in it for an extended period of time while brainwashing myself that it was a normal and brilliant phase in life, only to finally wake up, realize I’d gotten in way over my head, and then be forced to claw my way out fueled by nothing but regrets and tears.

I sucked in a sharp breath as a chill over two decades old pebbled my skin. That was the Truett West effect. Only this time, it no longer held me captive.

This time, I pretended that he didn’t exist. Because truth be told, he didn’t exist anymore. At

The thing with communicating with a narcissist is that, no matter what you’re saying, you’re always stupid.

I hated that he still had that effect on me. More, I hated that I allowed him to have that effect on me.

Empathy was never a bad thing.

Absorbing the emotional grid of others came with a price.

it was a predictable torture and therefore comfortable agony.

didn’t want her to understand. I didn’t want her to know. I didn’t want her anywhere near the shitshow that lived inside my head.

The weight of my failures crushed me.

A few weeks earlier, I’d have chosen an entire documentary crew showing up on my front lawn with a mariachi band at three in the morning over a phone call from Truett.

But gentle did not equal a pushover.

I hated that it felt right. I hated that I’d craved that connection for the majority of my life.

There was something so undeniably beautiful about that man’s smile, no matter how slight it might have been.

Me watching him. Him watching me. Me watching him watching me. It was a ridiculous cycle of Peeping Toms, trying to out peep each other.

7:01 and Truett West was a ghost all over again.

God, what I wouldn’t have given to spend five minutes inside that man’s head—to find the dam blocking his ability to express himself and level it with a sledgehammer, freeing him from his self-made prison once and for all.

I’d always been safe with her, even if I hadn’t been able to offer her the same.

Jesus, she was ridiculous—and gorgeous, and sexy, and…everything.

Gwen. My Gwen. Her hand on my chest, standing in front of me, my name tumbling from her mouth as if it had been created for no other purpose.

I lost my best friends. I lost my family. And then I lost myself.

My body screamed when she backed away, but in my life, letting Gwen slip from my fingers was a necessary evil, so I had no choice but to let her go.

Gwen was easily the strongest woman I had ever met. With me traveling for military training or stationed halfway across the world, she’d had to figure out an entire life on her own. And then again, when I’d forced her to start over after she’d lost her brother, she’d grabbed life by the horns with such strength and grace that I truly believed I’d done the right thing by letting her go.

She laughed, soothing my soul. In the span of less than an hour, my emotions had been on a full-tilt roller coaster, and that was saying a lot for a Wednesday. I’d smiled. I’d laughed. I’d lusted. I’d panicked. I’d raged. I’d marveled. I’d hoped. Little did I know, the ride was far from over.

I was conflicted, confused, and totally uncomfortable with the loss of predictability.

Gwen. I’d been starved for her for far too long, and just a taste of having her back in my life had made me an addict.

Existing alone. Always alone. But what if I didn’t want to be alone anymore?

don’t recall saying thank you yet.” “That smile on your face is all I need.”

“The Gwendolyn Pierce standing in front of me may not be the same Gwen I was once married to. She may eat steaks now, she may not be able to cut a fucking tile straight to save her life, and she may have an insulting amount of confidence in my handyman abilities. But the Gwen of the present is still singlehandedly the only person I would want to spend my Saturday with. And stop calling it a dump. You’ve done some amazing things here already. I have no doubt that, when we finish, it’s going to be nothing short of incredible.”

Why had it been so long since I’d felt this? Better yet, what could I do to ensure that I never lost this feeling again?

“Don’t do that. Don’t baby me with your sexy voodoo hypnotism shit.”

I’m sorry I didn’t fight harder, because I have missed you every fucking day since you walked out of my life. That is what I mean when I say I’m sorry.”

I hated myself. I didn’t deserve to feel better. But when I’m with you, even now, I can breathe. I don’t know what it is, but something about you has always softened the agony, making it so I don’t feel like I’m suffocating.”

“I deserve every bit of hate and anger and resentment you feel for me. But make no mistake, I have never, not ever, not for one fucking second of my entire god-forsaken life, stopped loving you.”

her in. Dear God, how was she even more stunning than I remembered. From her peaked nipples to the curve of her breasts, she was fucking perfect. It was Gwen. It was my Gwen. What the hell did I expect?

I’m going to fuck you until the only thing you know for sure is that you are, and have always been, mine.”

“When did you get so wise?” I chuckled. “Therapy. Lots and lots of therapy.”

Relatable AF!!!!!!!!

I’d destroyed the bridge that had joined our lives together, but love would forever exist between us, even in the emptiness of the divide.

“Just so you know, I would have sat in that house with you for the rest of my life, completely alone, just to be with you.”

I’d let a whole beautiful life pass me by.

I was fucked. Literally, figuratively, and if you asked my body, most of all, thoroughly.

“Thank you, Jesus, he’s a dirty talker!”

I wouldn’t do it again. I wouldn’t beg him to talk to me.

But that was the thing about life. You can only operate in the present with the experiences you learned in the past.

But the future happened whether you were ready for it or not.

I would have followed her anywhere.

I love you, and if this is where you are, there is nowhere else in the entire world I’d rather be. Not even the past.”

It wasn’t even a question. I’d known from the minute she dropped the rings at my feet that, if I ever got the chance to get her back, there was nothing I wouldn’t do to keep her. “I just want you.” I spoke between peppered kisses. “I. Just. Want. You.”

“Gwen, baby, you are the only woman I’ve ever thought about. There’s never been anyone else.”