On Merit Alone

by Adorabol Huckleby-Ordaz

But to truly participate would be to fully belong. And I’m not sure I fully belonged anywhere.

Transitions in life were hard to navigate. Slow to adjust to. Change in ourselves was harder to come to terms with because the feeling of growth was often uncomfortable until after the growing was done.

Aside from this very encounter where she let everything spew out of her in a jumbled up grieving mess, she moved in relationships like a chessboard. One step forward, some back. And not because of some sort of maneuvering strategy like I accused her of in the parking garage, but because she didn’t know how else to do things.

I knew she only ran because she was scared and after learning so much about her, she was scared for good reason. But I had promised her things the other night. Things that she obviously didn’t believe if she was scared to even face me. But I wasn’t scared, and I could hunt her down. So I would.

But I want you to know, if you think avoiding me is going to put me off like last time, that’s one more thing you’re dead wrong about. You’re mine, sweetheart. And I’m going to take care of what’s mine. Night.”

“We are going to have to talk about what ‘within reason’ means.”

Screaming

“I’m sorry for the hand that dealt you the first half. I don’t know if I’ve ever told you how much it breaks my heart to see you struggling through your life with this traumatic weight on your shoulders. I’ve never seen someone more undeserving of the hand they’ve been dealt. You were built for a family, and I’m sorry the circumstances of life took yours away from you.”

My breath rattled, my voice only a whisper. “Because everything I’ve ever loved has left me devastated, Ira.”