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November 2 - November 3, 2025
“Sol,” I asked slowly, “was that a laugh?” His jaw clenched. “No.” “Well, fizzle my brine, maybe you can do more than scowl and run your mouth.”
“I…I can…think?” The frog fell very still. Then it just started screaming and didn’t stop. I pulled out my phone and added a note not to grant sentience to any other animals.
“How are you still alive?” “I don’t know. She sniffed my hair and it made her sneeze, so she left.” “You made her sneeze?” he asked incredulously. “You get approached by the terror that stalks the dreams of my clansmen at night, and you live because you made her sneeze?” “I don’t know what to tell you, man. She’s not a fan of hair in her nose.”
“A woman who looks death in the face and shrugs it off. Gods above, you’ve stolen my heart already.”
“Intern, all of these houses only have one bed.” “Correct,” he chirped happily. I searched the ceiling for the patience that escaped me. “Why do all of these houses only have one bed?” “Our research shows that the ‘only one bed’ method is a tried-and-true way to get humans to mate! Thankfully
Damn my love for small animals.
“Yes, yes! Dangers abound. Everybody stay in the same bed!” Intern demanded.
So I’m traveling with three aliens and a lawyer to punch a bird in the face.”
Shame, really. Why does no one else want to live in delululand?
My trio of protectors burst through the front door while the Smilodon broke down the other. I shouldered my way past them. “Take care of that, fellas. I’ll be in house 1.”
“Toto, I don’t think she wants to talk,” Sol warned. He slinked closer, never taking his eyes off her as he reached the staircase. “She…she can talk, snarl, or spill my blood on these steps. As long as she tells me her name.” The Smilodon roared when his paw reached the first step. He froze. “Toto, are you insane? Get away from her—she’ll kill you!”
“If she were a cobra I’d beg for her poison every sunrise and sunfall.”
He backed to the bottom of the steps and sat down. “It’s too soon, you’re right. What would we tell the cubs if we rushed things? You luscious thing, our sons will be giants.”
Toto darted up the steps to watch her retreat to god knows where. “I’ll see you tomorrow? Or tonight? Just roar when you want some company. Or worship. Everlasting adoration.” He sighed, so struck with wistful pining that he couldn’t keep his mouth shut and kept going. “Oh, darling, why are we fighting this? I want to swim in your eyes and die defending your lands!”
“Me? I…I didn’t do anything.” “I know it was you, okay? Today is not the day I get gaslit by a bird. The bedroom did not just spontaneously catch fire.”
The Biwban glared back at me, feathers puffed up in a sorry excuse to make himself look bigger. I will pluck those feathers off one by one. “I will never forget this slight,” I seethed. “Come on, darling,” Sol drawled. “Do you hear me?” “Good night, Intern,” Lok called. “NEVER!”
Two Tamagotchi dings and a sore coochie later…
“I know y’all don’t have any frame of reference for the plants and animals of my home world, but the fact that this planet has so many species from different geologic time periods is madness. Look at this stegosaur eating dandelions. Those two things existed millions of years apart from each other. Yet it’s just munching away. Don’t even get me started on the ground sloth.” Lok rested his chin on his wrist and flipped through the pictures. “What if I wanted to get you started on the ground sloth?” “I was so hoping you’d say that. I have a lot of feelings about this.”
“She could probably name it after her right ass cheek and the men in my band would praise the name as scripture.” “You know, for once I agree with you.” Sol leaned back in his chair and eyed me expectantly. “Well, Stardust, what will it be?”
“How did it go with your new woman, Toto?” “Incredible.” The word came out muffled around the egg in his mouth. He swallowed and continued. “I barely escaped with my life.” “Oh shit, are you okay?” I asked, and noticed the claw marks on his back. “No, I am not okay. I’m so in love I could cry. I just want to settle down with her and any sisters she may have and raise a whole mess of cubs.
“I saw my reflection in the gleam of her fangs and knew I was nothing without her. Our daughters will expand our territory far beyond where any lion has laid claim before. When we return our bodies to the ground, the land will see my love for her reflected in the might of the sons we leave behind. Let this day mark the first step of our courtship, and let the wounds on my back bear witness to my oath. I will have her!”
Why is the lion more romantic than the last three of my exes?
Toto took to the bath about as well as anyone would expect a lion to take to a bath. Which was very unwell and full of thrashing.
I’ll shave you! I’ll shave your whole stupid mane off and then you’ll be a naked loser the next time you see your big-ass girlfriend. Hold still!” “Get off me,” he sobbed, pushing against me. “Let me be dry, you vile witch! I’M CLEAN!”
“I…may have tried to milk some of her venom.” “You tried to milk a T. rex?” “For your chocolate!” he cried. “These animals had to be crossed with an arachnid-type species from the Sankado’s planet. They produce a numbing agent to paralyze their prey, and if my theory is correct, it could be used to make a similar taste to chocolate.” “YOU TRIED TO MILK A T. REX?” “For science!”
you charged at a full-grown billjaw, the Gruulorak no less, with no hesitation. Which, and I do want to be clear on this, was the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.”
I need you to be safe. If you get hurt, this world and everyone in it will turn to ash beneath my hooves.” Hot. “That seems like a bit much, even for a war general.” Promises flashed in his silver eyes. “Let me assure you, it’s not.” “…How passionate.”
You are my Zhali. My reason for being.
Under no circumstances should my Black ass be creeping around an alien planet by myself. Even as I left the cave, I could feel my ancestors calling me a stupid bitch.
“Toto, you’ve never had an intrusive thought in your life. You just have a thought and then act.”
You should have been here yesterday. A triceratops rolled in like a bull in a china shop and nearly gored somebody. It was good fun.” Toto’s eyes lit up. “Oh, that does sound fun!” “Yes,” I said slowly, eyeing my two bloodthirsty companions. “Who doesn’t love a good triceratops skewering?
“Let’s just say the audacity of men is universal.”
“A gaggle of horny men following me around at all times? No. No, I can’t say that it does.” I barely had enough stamina to keep up with Lok and Sol as it was.
then? I don’t have a way out of here, and the only people who can understand me are either locked in cages or a damn villain! I’m not the hero type. This isn’t my big moment where I find out I have witch powers or I’m the child of an adulterous god with no concept of safe sex and magically save the day with a sassy comeback.”
is, I am not built for this shit. If the Biwbans wanted a test subject that was willing to solve political disputes, they should have abducted a CIA agent or something. Instead they got the girl that films the dramatic retellings of the lives of meerkats.”
“Dory, this isn’t real. I’m literally a figment of your imagination. You’re drowning, remember?
My words were cut off when Sol swung me around, my knee connecting with the jaw of a soldier. With a sickening pop, his jaw dislocated. Wasting no time, Sol threw me back over his shoulder and took off down the street. “Did you just use me as a weapon?” I yelled. “They took my knives,” he said petulantly. “Still, though!” “Be angry later.
“Have any of you gotten the translator yet?” I asked. “Or be willing to hold still long enough for a quick smooch?”
Sol stared ahead blankly. “I…I can’t believe that worked.” “Yeah, y’all got some serious issues with feet.”
“You’re not gonna die, are you?” A smile tugged at his lips. “The compassion in your voice is truly heartwarming. You know I’ve always longed for a mate that would question my continued existence with the same nonchalance of someone asking to pass the garlic bread.” I sucked in a breath. “There’s garlic bread on this planet?” “Do you even realize how much wonder is in your eyes right now? This is the happiest I think I’ve ever seen you, and it’s directed at neither me nor Lok.” He took my chin in his hand and tilted it up to face him. His voice was low and purposefully seductive. “Yes, my
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Sol seemed rather pleased with himself. “Look at you. Besotted.” I smacked his shoulder, trying to stifle the laugh building in my throat. He merely grinned with smug delight. “Oh, don’t feign an icy demeanor now. You’re obsessed with me.” “You’re insufferable.” “You love me.” “You’re all right.” “Sing as many lies as you like, Stardust,”
you, my adorably smitten little alien, read like an open book.”
Before you, a vine was just a vine. Now I fret over their plans for world domination. You make the mundane precious.”
After all the nonsense we’ve had to go through, I’d say we’ve earned some good fortune. We’ll find Lok and warn him about his armor, tell him King Osid poisoned his precious Stardust, and he’ll rip the king’s throat out and get you that antidote. Easy.” “Just like that?” “Of course. I won’t accept anything else.” He said the words with such certainty it made me giggle. “For some reason, I believe you.”
“What is it with this fucking planet and leaving people to die? We’re not doing that. Stop suggesting it!
“I can’t with y’all,” I yelled, half laughing, half crying. “You’ve got no problem snatching up innocent women, but you’re scared of copyright infringement?” “Intellectual property theft is no laughing matter, Dory.
“She won’t eat you, she promised. Right, my darling?” The Smilodon gave what sounded like a noncommittal grunt and lay down. Not the best vote of confidence.
“We are…we are in the middle of a high-speed chase! Why the hell are you choosing now to cop a feel?
great news. Lok, Sol, there’s a birth control implant in my arm, and I’m not ready to ask them to take it out yet.” “Which arm?” Lok asked. I pointed to my implant. He traced the skin until he found the little matchstick lump just underneath. Then he kissed it. “Thank you for your service.”
“Osid, you conniving little fuck, you took my wife hostage in order to force me to accept your challenge on the grounds of dishonor, and then you poisoned my armor. If you accuse me of taking the coward’s way out by abandoning my position, I will rip your head off and drink from your skull, just like I did to your uncle.”
