I Got Abducted by Aliens and Now I'm Trapped in a Rom-Com

by Kimberly Lemming

But hey, that’s how you know she’s made it. Girl’s got an entire research team plotting her assassination.

How does he feel about meerkat slaughter? If he’s pro, I’m about to have a great story to tell him.”

“I’m just—so done. I’m so done, and I hate you,” I hissed, shaking my fist at the lion. “I hope you choke on my bones after you eat me! I hope they find this escape pod and probe your ass. May your entire family line be cursed with hip dysplasia! I hate you, lion!”

“Fine. Just stay on your side.” “Why?” he asked, tilting his head. “Why?” I parroted back. “You tried to eat me! That’s why.” He snorted. “You’re going to need to let that go. It’s in the past.” “My blood is still on your mouth.” The lion groaned. “Look, you and I just went through a very traumatic experience together. An experience like that forms a bond. We’re basically brothers now.

“Well, if you’re a female, then this is perfect.” The last word came out in a delighted hum before he puffed out his chest. “That means I’m top male. And I’m not gonna eat you. I promise.” “Oh well. I feel perfectly safe, then,” I said, sarcastically.

it would appear that talking lions don’t understand sarcasm, as my new companion made that chuffing noise big cats do when they’re pleased about something.

“I’m sorry I tried to eat you.” “I’m sorry I cursed your whole family with hip dysplasia,” I said, scratching his ear. “You what?” “It’s in the past; we’re moving on.”

“Toto, I don’t think we’re in the Kalahari anymore.”

“You gray bastard, I’ll eat your heart and shit out your dreams. Let go of me!”

The lion hissed and resumed his threats. “YOU RUNT OF THE LITTER, I’LL KILL YOU!”

“Right,” Toto said, walking up behind me. “You can’t just save us and not adopt us. What’s that word humans use for those animals that always stick around them? Pets? Yeah, that’s it. We’re your pets now, so you’re stuck with us. Feed me.”

are you forming a gang or something?” I asked. “Yes,” he said. With a look that implied I was very simple, Toto nodded up at the alien.

“You’re wailing like a cub. Knock it off.” “Excuse me for not being able to roll with the punches after I got kidnapped by aliens,” I snapped. “Yeah, but look on the bright side.” “What’s the bright side?” I asked. Toto grinned and nudged me. “I could’ve eaten you.”

when we passed by a giant ground sloth, I lost my shit. “YOU DON’T BELONG HERE!” I screamed at the elephant-sized megafauna. The sloth in question paused his avocado pilfering to look back at me. “You belong in open woodlands during the ice age. Why? Why are you in a jungle with fucking dinosaurs and an ocean with a goddamn mosasaur?”

“Hmm, you’re kinda cute when you smile,” I said, grinning back at him. “Too bad I’ve always favored curiosity to men.”

maybe there are a few lionesses around here. I was hunting for a new pride anyway. This morning I found a small pride of three females. They had a male, but he looked small, so I could have taken him. You were actually going to be a gift to them after I killed their mate.” “Charming,” I drawled. “I know. I had it all planned out. Very romantic.”

To my unexpected delight, the linen undershirt came off next. “Wow, okay, several questions,” I said to Toto. “One, why is the alien so hot? Second question, how on earth is our anatomy similar? I mean I’ve heard of convergent evolution, where two species develop similarly despite having no common ancestor, but his muscle structure is incredibly similar to that of a human male. Albeit a very cut human male.” And I did not hate it.

“Your clan doesn’t, like, eat women, right?” “Do you honestly expect me to tell you if we did?” he asked. “You know, you could just say, ‘No, Dory, you’re perfectly safe with me.’ ” He raised his voice, mocking my higher pitch. “No, Dory, you’re perfectly safe with me.” “…Rude.”

The squeamish part of me was grossed out at the concept of killing a baby dinosaur; however, the wildlife researcher in me was freaking out. I was hunting with an actual lion. A lion who was telling me how he hunted and why.

“Whatcha doing up there, buddy?” “Oh, shut up and get me down.” Laughing, Toto circled around me as he tried to figure out the trap. “What did I say about watching where you stepped?” “You said watch for rocks. Not stupid traps!” His lips pulled back into a Cheshire grin. “It was heavily implied.”

Gimme a chance to see what he wants before you try disemboweling him.” A petulant huff. “But I want to.” “Are you kidding me?” I asked, voice rising with growing indignation. “Why, man, why do you want to disembowel him?” “Defending my kill, protecting you, the simple thrill of a fight to the death? I’m a fucking lion, take your pick.”

“So, are you just gonna get comfortable up there? I’ll admit, I was hoping to convince that enticing creature there,” he said, nodding to me, “to share a meal with me. But if she’d prefer an entourage, I’ll make room.”

“Hello there, my name’s Lokbaatar, but you can call me Lok. Tell me, gorgeous, are you the one that fell from that star?” “Star? Oh! The space pod, yes, that was Toto and me.” He grinned wide. “It seems wishing stars do exist. Tell me your name, Stardust.”

What kind of isekai shit is this?

“Lok,” I called, turning to him. The man snapped to attention as if he feared I’d turn my wrath on him. “Give me your spear. I’ll kill him myself.”

“Toto,” I hollered over my shoulder. “Get over here; we’re eating him after all.”

focus. Remember the last gym rat we dated. Sexy muscles are always attached to narcissistic cheaters.

All right, that settles it. I’ve died and been reincarnated in some stupid anime. If there are any gods at all, please don’t make this a full-blown “why choose.” Just keep it to us three. Lord, you know I don’t have the stamina.

Even then, if I wasn’t taken to help some alien race with my species-saving coochie, I’d have fucking died in that lion attack.

The therapist called the hobbies a “Band-Aid” and said that I’d need to do more than crochet my troubles into little giraffes, but their cuteness added extra spice to my application for the Kalahari research program, so what did she know? Hobbies work. That’s why I fired her. No respect for the craft.

“You have two strong males competing for your affections and food you refuse to eat in front of you. What else do you want?”

“I just don’t know what to do. I spent my life working toward becoming a wildlife biologist and making a name for myself on my own. Everything was going according to plan, and now all that hard work is up in flames. All thanks to an underfunded research department of all things, the irony of which is NOT lost on me!

Even if we die tomorrow, we’ve walked where no one else has and seen more than most do in a lifetime. If we live to see tomorrow, great. There will be more to see and do. But for now, at least our bellies are full. Stop worrying about your life’s plan and sunbathe with me. It’s a good day.”

“I strive to be as unbothered as you, Toto.” He chuffed happily, leaning into my petting. “Everyone should strive to be more like me.”

you give into the call of nature, then we force that sour bird to tell us where the research center is, and we punch the department head right in his feathered face. Then, if you find out if there are gas stations in space, you drive us home. If not, we stay here and run off into the sunset, happily ever after.” “…I could get behind a life plan like that.” “Yeah?” he asked sweetly. “All right, let’s go get you your pride.”

Getting a pep talk from a lion was not how I expected my day to go. Yet Toto made a lot of sense.

Now that the weight of pregnancy was off my shoulders, my entire body felt lighter. Almost giddy. Though that could just be the serum convincing me to throw caution (and my panties) to the wind. The ache I felt before was steadily growing into a roaring inferno. Another hour and I’d probably be on all fours howling at the moon for dick.

“Ah, now look at what you’ve done, Stardust. You’ve made the poor man all flustered. Not that I blame him. If your beauty was kept from me much longer, I’m afraid I would have hunted you down.” That…probably shouldn’t have turned me on. Whatever, blame it on the serum. Sol scowled and shook off his hand. “She doesn’t want to hear your cheap pickup lines.” I kinda do.

My knees hit the ground before I could even pretend to have an ounce of remaining feminism.

“Please, Stardust, I need to knot you.” Need to what? These aliens must have been fucking me stupid, ’cause I coulda sworn he just asked to knot me. Knot. Like on a wolf? I had so many questions. I thought they might have descended from herbivores because of the hooves; why would a herbivore evolve a knot? Were they canids? They had fangs, but all I saw Sol eat was a biscuit. Oh, this was gonna drive me crazy.

“You are not using my alien sex tape as a training module. Delete

“Oh great. Just a couple of glowing yellow eyes. Just what I was hoping for.” The forest lit up with yellow. “Perfect. Folks at home, don’t worry. They’ve added more eyes!” “Who are you talking to?” Lok asked. “The cameraman for whatever bullshit interstellar reality TV show this is.”

Gods, what a mess. I’d give my left tit for a hot shower and a sugar rub.

“Zhali bonds you to the one meant to walk with you through this life and the next, and grants you the strength to protect them above all others. When our world burned, I thought my chance of ever finding my mate went with it. Then I saw your ship fall from the sky and something in me knew to come find you. I don’t care if it’s the result of meddlesome aliens. From this moment on, where you walk, I follow.”

Holy alien gods matchmaking service. That is a lot to put on a gal.

Lok was something much more menacing to my heart. He was a man who was good with animals. Be it firemen posing with adorable kittens on calendars, Steve Irwin calling a crocodile rightfully trying to murder him beautiful, or apparently even alien men petting dinosaurs, something about it made me weak in the knees every time.

“You can’t be considerate and good with animals. It’s not fair.” “To who, Sol?” “No, my heart. I just got here, man. Cut a girl a break.” He gave me a lopsided grin. “Oh, I’m afraid I can’t do that. You’re mine, after all. If you’re not completely obsessed with me by nightfall, I’ll die of a broken heart.” “Mm-hmm, you should savor your last day, then.”

If your beauty was kept from me much longer, I’m afraid I would have hunted you down.

Some would call ignoring your problems unhealthy. I call it an art form.

I want to ask about your day and create a shared playlist on Spotify so I can learn your music tastes. No, dammit, Dory! You weak bitch, this was supposed to be fun alien sex. Why do you always equate good dick with relationship material? CORRELATION DOES NOT EQUAL CAUSATION!