Flirting with Disaster

by Naina Kumar

this was supposed to be my moment. My way of showing Nikhil how much he means to me.

You deserve this, Nikhil. You deserve to be happy.”

“Because I’m in love with you.” I squeeze my eyes shut. “I’ve always been in love with you.”

He’s no longer watching me blankly. His face is a kaleidoscope of emotion. Vibrant and colorful.

“I’ve never stopped. Never. I’ve never not been in love with you.”

He loves me. He loves me. Still. After everything.

There’s so much we haven’t said to each other.

I don’t know where I fit into any of this. If I fit in.

“I’m sorry I ever made you feel like you had to prove something like that, because you didn’t, Nikhil.

it had so much more to do with me than it did with you.”

I cared too much about what my parents would think.

about disappointing them, about being judged by them, and all their friends.

worried that they wouldn’t love...

“No one expects you to be perfect.

You’re allowed to mess up. You’re allowed to be a full human person.

You’re allowed ...

“none of that would ever make me stop lov...

I…I knew you were struggling and I didn’t know how to reach you. How to help.

didn’t want to give you a reason to leave me.

“I needed you, Nikhil. I’ve always needed you.”

some things are worth rebuilding. Even if it means rebuilding them from the ground up.”

This kiss contains everything we’ve said to each other and everything we haven’t.

Apologies from him to me. From me to him.

Healing old wounds.

Creating space to build something new.

“I’ve just been holding on to it. Keeping it safe. But it’s always been yours. I’ve always been yours.”

I’m going to move here. To be with you.”

This is about us. I love your dreams. I’ve always loved them.

And I love them even more now that I understand them better.

love your mind and your heart and you...

love your desire to help people and make...

I wanted you to have everything you always wanted. I just worried I w...

I want to do this with you. I want to be there. I want to be by your side as you figure it out.”

“You’re my home, Meena. Out of all the places I’ve lived, I’ve only ever felt at home with you.”

“I’ve been living without that feeling for years now and I’m not going to live that way a day longer. I don’t know exactly how we’ll do it, but we’ll find a way to make it work. Together.”

A family. Nikhil and I are going to be a family.

I relax into his embrace, quickly losing myself again in the feel of him. In the way I feel when I’m with him.

I still want to be a part of the community. I still want to push for meaningful change that helps people,

She’s soft beneath the front she presents to the world. Vulnerable and scared, just like me.

now…I don’t feel that same pressure I once did. That desire to climb and reach and strive for something prestigious. Something that shows or convinces someone else I’ve “made it.” That’s not what’s pushing me anymore.

I could serve the community in this role. I could help people, the way I’ve always wanted.

And whatever you want, it’s what I want too.”

you all make me proud to call this state my home.