The Anaconda Downstairs (The Cocky Kingmans, #4)

by Amy Award

For all the women who’ve had the word “FAT” weaponized against them. The real revenge is to love yourself. They hate when you do that.

There are three things that I love in life. Family. Football. And making a woman come...so hard they forget their own name.

“Why does it have to be snakes?”

and her assistant, who I would not admit to having any sort of crush on whatsoever—because she was totally off limits—could have my car.

She was arranging the fake snakes around her again, laughing at something Kelsey said. My heart literally skipped a beat. Because of the snakes. Not because Penelope’s cheeks were flushed and her eyes sparkling, or the fact that she caught me looking and winked at me.

Snakes and lightning strikes. What the actual fuck was going on in my head right now?

Nope. No. Absolutely not. If my head was going anywhere, it was not between Penelope’s deliciously thick thighs.

“I hear you’ve got a snake in your boot.”

Everett, in particular, with his easy charm and killer smile, has starred in more than a few of those daydreams.

It would help if I had an Olympic-level dating coach to help me do this. And I knew exactly who to ask. The love guru himself. Everett Kingman.

So why the hell was I feeling like an untried schoolboy who didn’t have a lick of rizz in front of Penelope?

Because there would be no denying those big brown eyes if they ever asked me for a goddamned thing. Like my heart.

“I got it. You settle in and snuggle up. We’ve got work to do, young Padawan.” “Yes, Master.”

“Just be yourself,” I repeated. “That’s the most attractive thing you can be.”

If that didn’t say “I’ve been fantasizing about what your hair would look like wrapped around my fist as I fuck you from behind”, nothing did.

“Yeah, especially if you’re into riding your dragon. If you know what I mean.”

“you could show up in a potato sack and still turn heads.”

“Right. Because nothing says, ‘date me’ like burlap chic.”

Or was there still a small evil voice inside that said no man would want to date me or have sex with me? Maybe.

Most days I could tell that voice to shut up.

Deep down, I knew that’s really why I was awkward around men. I was so good at pushing them away with my weirdo-ness. Because it was easier to blame that for why I didn’t date than because I was afraid that no one would love someone who looked like me.

The one who said, “Fear is my bitch.”

“Pen, listen to me. Body positivity isn’t about feeling confident every day. It’s about showing the world that you’re beautiful from the inside out, no matter what beauty standard of the day society says we’re supposed to fulfill. It’s about loving yourself enough to believe in and be your most authentic self, even when the world doesn’t like it.”

I grabbed Pen’s hand, and the lightning struck and the thunder rolled right through me. I was in love with Penelope Quinn.

“Pretty Penny, can I kiss you? Please? I might go crazy if I can’t, but it’s up to you. It’s what you want.”

He was. Everett was going down on me. I... I thought that was only in romance novels. Guys didn’t actually like doing that, did they?

“Pen, if you tell me no guy has ever gone down on you before, I’m moving murderous honey badgers for all of your exes higher up on my to-do list. No, wait. Honey badgers are too good for the utter shit boyfriends you’ve had, because I can already see it in your face. Snakes, Penny. I am sending deadly-ass snakes to all of their houses immediately if not sooner.”

“Yes. Because any man who thinks you’re not good in bed is a dumbass. But I’m really fucking grateful they were, because now I get you all to myself.”

“I've always wondered what it would be like to be bent over a table, or whatever, and fucked from behind.”

It's about recognizing that your worth isn't determined by your size, your shape, or how you look in a bikini.

But I'm working on it. I'm learning to appreciate my body for what it can do, not just how it looks. I'm learning that my worth isn't determined by some random, stupid boys from high school.

I'm 33, and today is my first ever first date. Yes, you read that right. I've spent my whole life believing that men wouldn't find me attractive because of my size. I convinced myself that love wasn't for me, that I didn't need it. That I didn't deserve it.

“You're... you're afraid of Lady Bananaconda Hisstledown?”