I Want to Trust You, but I Don't: Moving Forward When You’re Skeptical of Others, Afraid of What God Will Allow, and Doubtful of Your Own Discernment

by Lysa TerKeurst

“Trust is the oxygen of all human relationships.” A relationship without trust is a relationship without vulnerability and depth. A relationship without trust is void of the kind of love we were meant to give and receive. A relationship without trust is one with very little vibrancy and eventually no life at all.

Essentially, neuroception is the process by which neural circuits determine whether a situation or person is safe, dangerous, or life-threatening. As opposed to perception, which is a cognitive thought, neuroception involves brain processes that work outside of conscious awareness. Neuroceptive evaluations can occur extremely quickly and without your knowledge. If social cues trigger a neuroception of safety, our bodies enter a calm behavioral state. We feel calm and can easily engage with others socially or attend to issues. . . . When situations appear risky, the specific areas of the brain regulating defense strategies are activated. Then even neutral or social behavior is met with aggression or withdrawal instinctively.6

Well, that explains why I’m constantly trying to evaluate safety before connection. If someone feels unsafe to me, I withdraw. I’ve never understood why I feel such an intense sense of unsafety, even when a person isn’t physically threatening me. When I feel emotionally unsafe because of something someone says or does, I have an immediate desire to also get away from that person or at least to give them as little information about my life as possible. So, for me, when I feel emotionally unsafe, I have a physical reaction.

I think we, as Christian women, feel an enormous pressure to show our forgiveness is real by continuing to stay in this relationship no matter what. But God is not honored when you are being treated in dishonorable and deplorable ways. We’ve been taught that our love should be unconditional, but reconciling with someone who has broken our trust in the deepest ways should absolutely be conditional. Conditions like whether they are repentant, getting the help they need, being held accountable, and so forth. These should all be put in place for the sake of your safety, stability, sanity, and dignity.

Some of my darkest days were when I could not make sense of what God was allowing. And my fear was that because God allowed all of this, what else might He allow?

Maybe the secret to really healing is to change the end goal. Instead of expecting the healing work to return me back to how I was before, I could let the healing make me into a healthier version of myself. Instead of focusing on all that was taken from me, maybe I could shift my focus to what this new season could give me. And best of all, maybe, like the tree, one of the best things I could gain in this process was a story that could help other people through the scary seasons of being betrayed by friends and loved ones.