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October 9 - October 27, 2024
Broken trust complicates every bit of the parts of love that should be comforting.
The problem was, being alone in the quietness of my house had become so much more appealing than opening my door, walking on, and trying to figure out how to trust again when mostly everyone felt unsafe.
Filtering everyone through my hurt was turning me into someone I’d never been before I was so deeply affected by having my trust broken.
We don’t want to get it wrong, but we also don’t know what to do from here.
I was usually the one who believed the best about everyone and thought they had my best intentions at heart. It used to be easy to trust people. And in the few situations when I felt scared or not as sure of that trust, I calmed myself down by noting my own keen discernment. I was confident I would be able to detect if something were going sideways. But then, after years of correctly sizing up situations, when I started getting hit with my own shocking discoveries, I was stunned by how much I’d missed—how many times I had given people the benefit of the doubt when I shouldn’t have.
I secretly questioned how a good God could see what was going on behind my back and not do anything to either stop it or help me find out before it got as bad as it did.
The shock of broken trust makes life feel painfully slow and uncomfortably fast at the same time.
The trauma of having your trust broken by people you thought would never betray you is life altering. But it doesn’t have to be life ruining.
my counselor once saying to me, “We have more hope and help than you have problems.”
“The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.” (Isaiah 58:11)
“Does not the ear test words as the tongue tastes food? Is not wisdom found among the aged? Does not long life bring understanding?” (Job 12:11–12)
You have cried out to God more times than you can count, yet nothing seems to be coming through. His silence is deafening. The results are shocking. The betrayal is crushing. The outcome is so disappointing. The way you were treated is maddening. The tears you cry in the darkness of night seem never-ending. Another “no” is disillusioning.
To dare to hope is to simultaneously expose our greatest desires and our greatest fears.
When we quit on hope, we will become blind to the evidence of God’s goodness all around us. And if we lose sight of God’s goodness, trusting Him will feel foolish.
Ecclesiastes 7:14: “When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider this: God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, no one can discover anything about their future.”
We’ll let the pain of what has happened to us negatively impact us to the point where we no longer want to open up our hearts and be fully alive in other relationships. We aren’t made to live in fear of getting hurt and hesitant for connection. We aren’t made to let skepticism be our primary filter through which we see God and others. We aren’t made to constantly doubt ourselves and feel we can’t even trust our own discernment.
We were made to love and to be loved. We were made to embrace others. We were made to be wise and discerning. We were made to live with assurance of God’s faithfulness. We were made to hope and rise back up with resilience. We were made to be fully alive.
“When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider this: God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, no one can discover anything about their future.” (Ecclesiastes 7:14)
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” (Romans 15:13)
The line between healthy discernment and triggers caused by pain from the past is paper-thin.
It is okay to need more information. It is okay to ask questions and verify what is true. It is okay to be honest about what we can and cannot handle. My counselor, Jim Cress, taught me the human brain is always in search of confidence in knowing. In other words, as much as is possible, I need to know what’s going on so I can be confident that I’m safe.
Safety is both fact and feeling. Therefore, trust is both fact and feeling. I don’t just need to be told I’m safe; I need to believe it for myself.
2 Timothy 1:7: “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.”
Jeremiah 17:9 says, “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?”
You’re not a bad person or a crazy person for having uncertainties around trust. You’re a person who takes relationships seriously and who wants to invest your heart deeply in the right ways with the right people. I’m proud of the bravery you and I have as we keep showing up, believing the right relationships will be worth it all.
She shows up when she says she’ll be there for me. She tells the truth. There aren’t weird inconsistencies in her stories. She holds private what I tell her in confidence.
“And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.” (Romans 12:2 NASB) “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:8–9 NKJV
I like to think of discernment as the intimate way God cares for me, leads me, redirects me, warns me, and reveals things to me I otherwise may miss on my own.
Discernment is what gives us the ability to exercise insight “beyond the facts that were given.”
And the Holy Spirit leads us into truth (John 16:13).
As Proverbs 17:24 says, discerning people make it a priority to keep the pursuit of wisdom always in front of them.
“And I pray this: that your love will keep on growing in knowledge and every kind of discernment, so that you may approve the things that are superior and may be pure and blameless in the day of Christ.” (Philippians 1:9–10 CSB )
“But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come.” (John 16:13)
“A discerning person keeps wisdom in view, but a fool’s eyes wander to the ends of th...
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“I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocen...
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Help me remember that ultimately my trust needs to be anchored in You and that, as long as I stay near to You, You will give me the discernment I need. Enable me to see what I need to see, hear what I need to hear, know what I need to know, repent of what I need to repent of, and confront what I need to confront
It hurts in ways our hearts weren’t designed to hurt. We were made to come together with others, not to be torn apart by others. Broken trust complicates every bit of the parts of love that should be comforting.
Indeed, time didn’t get stuck in that season of heartbreak. If there is one thing that’s true about life after loss, it’s that it goes on.
My personal definition of healthy trust with another person means I can count on them . . . to be who they say they are; to do what they say they are going to do; to show up with care and compassion; to tell the truth; and to use good judgment and biblical wisdom with their decisions.
trust with another person means I can count on them . . . to be who they say they are; to do what they say they are going to do; to show up with care and compassion; to tell the truth; and to use good judgment and biblical wisdom with their decisions.
When forgetfulness becomes a pattern with no positive progress, the broken trust will start to feel like an integrity issue. That person is no longer just forgetful. They are now becoming a person who doesn’t keep their word.
The betrayal trauma they caused you will likely be the result of undealt-with trauma inside them.
my counselor wisely taught me, “What people don’t work out, they act out.”
Look for the fruit in someone’s actions, and you won’t have to wade through their words.
Anyone can say what you want to hear when rebuilding trust. But the truth comes out in their actions.
Love replaces selfishness. Joy replaces angry outbursts and edgy frustration. Peace replaces demands for control. Patience replaces a quick temper. Kindness replaces rudeness. Goodness replaces selfish ambition. Faithfulness replaces incessant desire for self-gratification. Gentleness replaces a harsh approach. Self-control replaces unrestrained impulses.
I don’t unleash it on the people I love, unfairly making them pay for the sins of people in my past.
I got knocked down before, and I may get knocked down again. But one thing I know about myself is that I’m not a girl who stays down.
Friend, all those painful memories of broken trust and hurtful deceptions—half-truths, omitted truths, withheld truths, and straight-up lies—will sometimes make their way into your present-day thoughts. Those betrayals will always be part of your past. Remember, they are just a page or possibly a couple of chapters, but that pain is not your full story. You might have had some moments when you did sink, but now it’s your time to rise. Here’s to better moments and more beautiful memories just waiting to be made.
Broken trust complicates every bit of the parts of love that should be comforting.
