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December 18, 2024 - January 19, 2025
“Trust is the oxygen of all human relationships.” A relationship without trust is a relationship without vulnerability and depth. A relationship without trust is void of the kind of love we were meant to give and receive. A relationship without trust is one with very little vibrancy and eventually no life at all.
The shock of broken trust makes life feel painfully slow and uncomfortably fast at the same time. The disbelief that this is your reality makes everything grind to a halt. But the reality of jobs and bills and kids who need a ride to school all feels unrealistically normal, and normal feels too fast for a brain that can’t process what’s happening.
The trauma of having your trust broken by people you thought would never betray you is life altering. But it doesn’t have to be life ruining.
So the shift in how we process life situations and relationships after trauma is more than just our emotional reactions; it’s a change that happens physically in our brains.
When you think of the word trust, what are some situations, good or bad, that instantly come to mind?
I think of my ex husband telling me for so long he’ll never break the vows we made to each other, and then breaking them after 7 years. I think of my dad always saying he’d be there for me and never showing up. I also think about Alex and how he does what he says, even if it’s not right away. I think of the friends I have that are always there for me and have not broken my trust.
How have you experienced having your trust broken by people you thought would never betray you? What impact has this had on your life?
I feel like I answered this in the first question.
For me, hope is either the most beautiful feeling of possibility or the worst feeling of defeat.
if we’re not willing to risk hoping, then we are already quietly quitting on a better future.
When we quit on hope, we will become blind to the evidence of God’s goodness all around us. And if we lose sight of God’s goodness, trusting Him will feel foolish.
I can make the choice to stop feeding the anxiety and instead start fueling hope by recounting the many everyday moments where God has come through for me and where things did work out.
Ecclesiastes 7:14: “When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider this: God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, no one can discover anything about their future.”
What are some of the statements you commonly say to yourself and others to help manage your disappointment?
It's fine, I'm used to being hurt.
I don't care anymore.
It probably just wasn't meant to be.
What life circumstances have tempted you to want to quit on being hopeful?
The biggest one that comes to mind is my divorce.
Which one of the compassionate statements in the “One More Thing I Want You to Know” section resonates with you the most and why?
The one about only taking responsibility for my own circumstances and actions. Especially when i was married, I would try to take responsibility for Chris' actions.
It didn’t matter that this was a completely different person; the feelings were the same. It felt as if the past was repeating itself.
The line between healthy discernment and triggers caused by pain from the past is paper-thin.
It is okay to need more information. It is okay to ask questions and verify what is true. It is okay to be honest about what we can and cannot handle.
as much as is possible, I need to know what’s going on so I can be confident that I’m safe.
It’s not that these reactions are necessarily bad, unless they become unhealthy ways to cope. If my reactions start damaging the relationship, then it’s a problem.
Every trauma has two parts to it: the fact of what happened and the impact it had on us.
Pain drives us to be more urgent about addressing what needs to be addressed.
It is good and right to rely on wisdom and the power of the Holy Spirit, who always guides us to God’s truth. But we shouldn’t override the message our fears and angst may be trying to tell us.
It’s okay to feel the fear and hear the message it may be trying to send me.
Admitting we have concerns is a big step toward better understanding where our trust issues are coming from.
if the other person we are in relationship with, whether it’s a new relationship or one where we are trying to repair broken trust, has an issue with our need for ongoing healing, time, and safety, then that may be the most telling warning sign of all.
If trust was broken because of a relationship, trust has to be repaired through safe connection inside of a relationship. Trust requires both safety and connection.
While trust has to be repaired in the context of relationships, we can’t expect others to be our source of mental and emotional stability. We have to gain that stability through healing what’s been traumatized inside us.
In what ways do you struggle to distinguish discernment from anxious thoughts about a situation?
Most of the time, I'm questioning my own thoughts about a situation and determining whether the way I'm thinking or feeling about things is right or wrong.
What do you think of when you read these statements? It is okay to need more information. It is okay to ask questions and verify what is true. It is okay to be honest about what we can and cannot handle.
I think of my marriage to Chris, when my asking questions wasn't okay. Never feeling safe to share or ask for more details.
if you let these red flags continue and the person keeps displaying these characteristics for longer and longer, the impact on you will multiply greater and greater.
Red flags we ignore don’t typically fix themselves—they just get to be more and more of an issue.
So many times, my brain and my heart come into conflict, especially when it comes to relationships I very much want to continue. My brain will fire off a warning, but then my heart will try to override it because I want to believe this person I love wouldn’t deceive me . . . that they truly care about me. My heart will make excuses to try to quiet down the warnings my brain is sending.
I can so relate!
a red flag doesn’t always mean the relationship is unhealthy or destined to fall apart.
Feelings of trust can ebb and flow in relationships because we are all imperfect humans. There should always be a foundation of safety and connection with grace for occasional mishaps. But we shouldn’t be afraid inside a relationship.
While people sometimes lie with their words, the truth eventually emerges in their actions.
the Holy Spirit who indwells us will equip and lead us to discern between the wisdom of God and the foolish ways of the world. We aren’t to enable or excuse away behaviors that go against the wisdom of God. We are to be discerning.
They present themselves as a spiritual giant who is wise and mature, but they lack restraint, don’t treat people with kindness and patience, are selfish, expect to be treated as special, think they are superior to others, or believe the rules apply to others but not them.
My ex husband to a T!
Their behavior or mood changes drastically depending on their circumstance. They are easily enticed to act in unhealthy ways when things aren’t going well for them.
This was Chris.
On the rare occasion you do try to pour your heart out to them, they brush you off, minimize your pain, and then try to one-up you by telling you why their struggle is way more serious than yours.
Chris again
They are constantly asking, “Are we okay?” because they are unusually anxious about your relationship, even if there are no signs there is reason to worry.
This is me sadly.
They tend not to own the part they contributed to a conflict, saying, “But you . . .” in response.
Chris
Is your heart making excuses or covering up for someone while trying to quiet down the warnings your brain is sending you? What are you saying outwardly that doesn’t match what you are feeling inwardly?
Currently no. However, this was the case in my previous marriage. It took me 8 years with Chris to finally start seeing the red flags I'd ignored.
In your own words, what is the difference between blind trust and wise trust? And why is this difference so important?
Blind trust is trusting while ignoring any and all warning signs. Wise trust is trusting and yet investigating when red flags present themselves. It's important to know the difference so we can be discerning as Christ was and know the people we should or should not let in.
What red flags might you be ignoring in your own relationships today?
My own, specifically insecurity, always questioning whether things with Alex are okay or not. This is where I need the Lord's help.
Repairing broken trust requires us to first establish what we need from another person in order to consider them trustworthy.
They show consistency in how they treat you. They aren’t moody, unpredictable, or prone to angry outbursts.
They are humble enough to admit they are sometimes wrong. They are willing to be held accountable.
For me, the biggest determining factor as to whether I’m still safe with a person is how they react to my concerns. I feel more hopeful if they listen without animosity and seek to understand what I need.
I can agree with this!
If we can address the rips as they happen, it will help us better manage our concerns before they turn into full-blown ruptures.
most of the time, low-impact broken trust is actually a confidence issue and not an integrity issue.
