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Broken trust complicates every bit of the parts of love that should be comforting.
I want to trust you, but I don’t. I want to believe you have my best interests in mind, just like I do for you. I want to believe you don’t have a hidden agenda, motivations that are completely self-serving, or something going on behind the scenes I would be crushed by if I knew about it. I want to believe the good feelings I have when you are being kind to me will still feel good a month from now. A year from now. I want to believe you’ve told me the whole story and that I won’t make discoveries later that make me cry and feel the brutal weight of regret. I want to believe I won’t lie in bed
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I want my closest relationships to have the assurance of safety, honesty, and stability. But we don’t always get what we want. We get what we get.
Wrestling with who I can trust and who I can’t. Swinging the pendulum from being too trusting to being skeptical of just about everyone.
The problem was, being alone in the quietness of my house had become so much more appealing than opening my door, walking on, and trying to figure out how to trust again when mostly everyone felt unsafe.
Filtering everyone through my hurt was turning me into someone I’d never been before I was so deeply affected by having my trust broken. I felt suspicious about the real intentions of others. I started mentally filling in blanks in relational uncertainties with increasing suspicion.
Sometimes, what we are sensing is spot-on and helps us know what needs to be addressed. But other times we are unnecessarily projecting things onto others that just aren’t there. We
I don’t want to admit this, but I felt betrayed by God. He had allowed so many things I didn’t understand. In my mind, so much hurt could have been avoided if only He had intervened in ways that I assumed a good God would. And most confusing of all, my suffering felt never-ending while the people who hurt me continued to make choices that didn’t honor God, yet seemed to be carrying on just fine.
“Trust is the oxygen of all human relationships.” A relationship without trust is a relationship without vulnerability and depth. A relationship without trust is void of the kind of love we were meant to give and receive. A relationship without trust is one with very little vibrancy and eventually no life at all.
I’m talking about all relationships where we want a deep connection that is both safe and lasting. When
The shock of broken trust makes life feel painfully slow and uncomfortably fast at the same time. The disbelief that this is your reality makes everything grind to a halt. But the reality of jobs and bills and kids who need a ride to school all feels unrealistically normal, and normal feels too fast for a brain that can’t process what’s happening.
The trauma of having your trust broken by people you thought would never betray you is life altering. But it doesn’t have to be life ruining.
“the trauma diamond.”
brain “scans show significantly increased activity in the limbic, or emotional, areas in a pattern that looks like a diamond.”1 As I sat there with him, looking at evidence of how all I’ve experienced in my life has impacted me, I felt, for the first time, I could use the words emotional abuse without flinching.
Basal ganglia and amygdala: These are the brain’s anxiety and fear centers, and overactivity is linked to heightened anxiousness and predicting the worst.
So the shift in how we process life situations and relationships after trauma is more than just our emotional reactions; it’s a change that happens physically in our brains.
The counseling, Bible study, EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing; a type of mental health therapy to help “alleviate the distress associated with traumatic memories”4), and taking better care of my brain through supplements and a healthier lifestyle is working. I remember my counselor once saying to me, “We have more hope and help than you have problems.”
I also want to bring to light that the anxiety often accompanying our fears around trust may be trying to serve us, not hinder us. Though we want to keep it in check and not let our anxiety spiral out of control, we should also know God designed our bodies to detect when situations or people are not safe. Think about the natural instinct of an animal when it senses danger. Though we are different from animals, Job 12:7–13 tells us that God designed us with the same creative brilliance to use our senses and discernment to pick up on danger.
if someone is struggling to trust, chances are there’s a reason. Whether they can recall the exact reason or not, they’ve had an experience that has made them recoil in angst and pain. Of course they are hesitant or possibly resistant to trusting people, especially those who have hurt them or who remind them of someone they trusted and got burned by. It makes sense that they are skeptical of other people’s intentions. And of course they analyze people with a heightened awareness of the irresponsible and cruel ways humans sometimes act.
I think that’s been true of a lot of the distrust in my life that makes me uncomfortable, hesitant, and sometimes resistant to engage with certain people. My issue with trusting those people may honestly be a sign of wisdom, not weakness. And my tendency to overanalyze their words and actions, or even a feeling I get when I’m around them, may actually be an exercise of discernment, not deficiency.
Or I have trust issues because I don’t want to risk people getting close enough to hurt me like I’ve been hurt before.
not one of us gets to live this life unmarked by hurt. So not one of us gets to live this life without trust issues.
The trauma of having your trust broken by people you thought would never betray you is life altering. But it doesn’t have to be life ruining. God designed our bodies to detect when situations or people are not safe. Sometimes distrust is the most appropriate response there is. As humans, we are made for connection. But connection always comes with risk.
Receive (Scriptures to Soak In): “The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.” (Isaiah 58:11) “Does not the ear test words as the tongue tastes food? Is not wisdom found among the aged? Does not long life bring understanding?” (Job 12:11–12) Reflect (Questions to Think Through): When you think of the word trust, what are some situations, good or bad, that instantly come to mind? How have you experienced having your trust broken by people you
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Get it together, Lysa. This is ridiculous. There’s nothing wrong. Remember all the kind words he said yesterday? Manage these feelings so you don’t make a big deal out of this and stir up drama. Now, here’s the sad part. In this instance, I absolutely should not have trusted. I was discerning that something was wrong, and I was right. There was absolutely something wrong going on.
My discernment rarely comes with immediate details. It’s a feeling prompted by the Holy Spirit. And my triggers rarely come with immediate details. They are feelings prompted by pain from my past. I have to pray through and sort through both. Sometimes a trigger from a past situation provides experiential wisdom that ushers in discernment. Like I said, a paper-thin line.
It is okay to need more information. It is okay to ask questions and verify what is true. It is okay to be honest about what we can and cannot handle.
human brain is always in search of confidence in knowing. In other words, as much as is possible, I need to know what’s going on so I can be confident that I’m safe. But facts aren’t the only things we need to pay attention to when assessing whether it is safe to trust another person. Feelings are also crucial. Safety is both fact and feeling. Therefore, trust is both fact and feeling. I don’t just need to be told I’m safe; I need to believe it for myself. Otherwise, my neurological makeup will trigger the automatic defense strategies of fight, flight, or freeze. This process is called
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I’m constantly trying to evaluate safety before connection. If someone feels unsafe to me, I withdraw. I’ve never understood why I feel such an intense sense of unsafety, even when a person isn’t physically threatening me. When I feel emotionally unsafe because of something someone says or does, I have an immediate desire to also get away from that person or at least to give them as little information about my life as possible. So, for me, when I feel emotionally unsafe, I have a physical reaction.
The real issue was that I didn’t know a suitcase being wheeled away would be a problem. I didn’t know it would impact me with such force. My body couldn’t settle down and feel safe in the context of a rushed goodbye. So, I withdrew inside myself. And I just wanted to run away from the situation entirely. I’ve since learned this is a pretty common response for those of us with hurts that cut us to the core. Every trauma has two parts to it: the fact of what happened and the impact it had on us. When we dismiss our feelings and what those feelings are trying to tell us, our initial instinct can
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Pain drives us to be more urgent about addressing what needs to be addressed. If we numb our feelings, we will miss the warning they may be trying to send us. Or we’ll be prevented from looking under the hood to explore what’s going on internally.
Emotions have energy that pushes up for expression, and to tamp them down, our minds and bodies use creative tactics—including muscular constriction and holding our breath. Symptoms like anxiety and depression, which are on the rise in the U.S., can stem from the way we deal with these underlying, automatic, hard-wired survival emotions, which are biological forces that should not be ignored. When the mind thwarts the flow of emotions because they are too overwhelming or too conflicting, it puts stress on the mind and the body, creating psychological distress and symptoms. Emotional stress,
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“What we don’t work out, we act out.”
I treat my emotions as if they are a sign of spiritual immaturity. I can catch myself pretending I’m not feeling the emotions that are happening inside me. Then I find myself weaponizing Scripture against my emotions instead of using truth to help me process them.
But just because our feelings shouldn’t dictate what we do doesn’t mean we should ignore them completely. A warning light on your car dashboard doesn’t tell you how to fix the issue at hand, but it serves a purpose in letting you know something needs to be looked into further . . . sooner rather than later. Just like physical pain is our body’s way of informing us that something needs to be tended to, emotional pain operates the same way. If I feel afraid, it’s my body’s way of telling me to pause, think, consider, investigate, ask questions, and process what’s really going on. If you don’t
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if the other person we are in relationship with, whether it’s a new relationship or one where we are trying to repair broken trust, has an issue with our need for ongoing healing, time, and safety, then that may be the most telling warning sign of all. Of course, none of this should be taken to an extreme, but it’s okay to say you’re not okay and then take the time you need to figure out why.
trust in a relationship with another man. I wasn’t ready, and that was okay. More than okay. I think it was wise. I started trying to feel safe in relationships where there had been consistent safety and trust for a long time. That may sound strange, but when my trust was shattered by my marriage that ended, I started feeling skeptical of everyone. I remember one day looking at my best friend, who I have trusted without hesitation for years, and wondering, Do I really know her like I think I know her? I was so frustrated with myself until I understood this makes sense. I never thought others
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So here’s where I’ve landed with all this wrestling with trust: I need to be gentle with myself. I need to acknowledge what I’m feeling and what story I’m telling myself because of those feelings. I need to ask questions. Like my counselor says, instead of getting furious, I need to get curious. Instead of making accusations, I need to do appropriate investigation. And the best thing the other person can do? They can be gentle as well.
The line between healthy discernment and triggers caused by pain from the past is paper-thin. We shouldn’t place our trust in our feelings and just “follow our own hearts” without God’s truth guiding us, challenging us, and giving us the right path forward. I don’t just need to be told I’m safe; I need to believe it for myself. Pain drives us to be more urgent about addressing what needs to be addressed. We must do the healing work inside us so we can do relational work with others around us.
Reflect: In what ways do you struggle to distinguish discernment from anxious thoughts about a situation? What do you think of when you read these statements? It is okay to need more information. It is okay to ask questions and verify what is true. It is okay to be honest about what we can and cannot handle. Pray:
She wasn’t making the connection that Christi’s pattern of not showing up and keeping her promises was revealing the concerning characteristics of being inconsistent and insincere. As a result, trust was eroding in this relationship.
I’ve experienced this kind of confusing, mismatched affection, which, over time, can make you feel so used, foolish, and taken advantage of. What makes this even more complicated for me is that I keep thinking the other person will turn things around, since overall they’ve been a good friend. It’s just that, over time, what at first felt like occasional mistakes have turned into a pattern of behavior, eating away at my confidence and trust in them.
I could tell you about so many relationships in my life where I didn’t acknowledge the red flags until I started feeling like I could no longer trust the person. And here’s the deal: if you let these red flags continue and the person keeps displaying these characteristics for longer and longer, the impact on you will multiply greater and greater. At first, a red flag could seem like a very small concern. But if it keeps happening and goes unaddressed, it can become a defining hardship that breaks the relationship. When I hear “red flags,” I think about the ones that are put up at the beach
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So many times, my brain and my heart come into conflict, especially when it comes to relationships I very much want to continue. My brain will fire off a warning, but then my heart will try to override it because I want to believe this person I love wouldn’t deceive me . . . that they truly care about me. My heart will make excuses to try to quiet down the warnings my brain is sending. Maybe your heart is more skeptical, and you find it difficult to trust anyone. Each time your discernment fires, it’s just more confirmation to keep most relationships at arm’s length because there are very few
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Maybe you aren’t struggling with taking safety or connection to extremes, but you are in a relationship with someone who starts giving you fewer and fewer feelings of connection.
What we want is safe connections with others. That’s why paying attention to red flags and knowing how to wisely discern what they may be telling you is important.
instead of shooting for unconditional trust where we are blind to red flags and expected to overlook them, we need to shift from blind trust to wise trust.
Discernment is what gives us the ability to exercise insight “beyond the facts that were given.”
This person thinks only about themselves. It’s as if the world revolves around them. They don’t think about how their words and actions impact other people. They can be thoughtless and rude, but when you address this with them, they say things like “I’m just being honest” or they accuse you of being too sensitive. They believe they are always right. They want what they want and think their needs take precedence over others’.
Examples: In conversation, they keep the discussion focused on them and what they are going through. They rarely, if ever, check up on you and what you are facing. They are not bothered by making people wait on them. They do not consider other people’s time as valuable as theirs. On the rare occasion you do try to pour your heart out to them, they brush you off, minimize your pain, and then try to one-up you by telling you why their struggle is way more serious than yours. They borrow your car, but when you get it back, there’s no gas and they left trash inside.
