I Want to Die but I Still Want to Eat Tteokbokki: Further Conversations with My Psychiatrist (I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki)

by Baek Se-hee

But instead of simply accepting how flawed I am, I’ve decided not to look at myself so negatively. There are lots of shiny and sparkly aspects of myself, too. I’ve just been trying so hard to not look at them. I’d confined myself to the wastelands within me, but there are geographies rich with green and blue inside me as well, which I will now try to spend more time in. I believe that I can do that now. That all of this is part of my own special effort to live on – the important thing, now, is to have faith in that.

Entering a new space can in itself be a huge challenge, and meeting new people might become much more difficult in the future than it is now. I am trying to think about what kind of life I want to live and what kind of person I want to become – and how far I am from being that.

I’ve come this far in my writing in the belief that what may be a tedious tale to some will be a story of hope for others. I am grateful to those who have read this account of an unexceptional person because our dark stories are similar, or maybe my story is completely unlike yours and yet you gave me your care.

I hope for the day when those who are unwell in the heart can get medical help as a matter of course and not be stigmatised for it or have their problems reduced by the people around them to evidence of weak will. When the wounds of the mind and soul shall carry the same weight of seriousness as the wounds of the body.