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“Sometimes it feels like everyone else has a script, and I’m doing improv.”
“You okay?”
“Mostly. You?”
“Yeah. It’s been...
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“H...
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“No, withou...
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“Are you flirting with me?”
“For over a year now. Thanks for noticing.”
“You shouldn’t.”
“Okay, tell me to stop.”
“What?”
“Tell me why I shou...
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“Because you’re my...
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“That doesn’t need to...
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“Because I’m not interested in anything more than just sex,”
“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we seem to have this dynamic where you ask for something, and I take care of it.”
“You need me to drive cross-country with you?”
“D...
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“Need me to work on y...
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“D...
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“Need a ride home from a sh...
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“D...
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“You need someone to take care of you in bed?”
“Done. It doesn’t have to be complicated.”
“God, Lane, you’re going to eat me alive.”
“Problem?”
“No. Destroy me if you must.”
Matt. Mattheus Tilo-Jones. My friend, Matt. Is the best I’ve ever had.
“Listen, Lane.”
“I know you’re not looking for anything more. But…you should know something. I’ve been waiting for this chance for a while. If this is what you can give me, I’ll take it.”
It’s both invigorating to be wanted and terrifying to know just how much.
“You’re incredible,”
“You’re…”
“No, just listen,”
“You’re incredible, Lane. I’ve been wanting this—my name on your lips, my fingers getting you off, my mouth all over you—for over a year. You’re scared, I get it. You don’t want more?”
I shake my head, even as I approach what I suspect will be an earth-shattering orgasm.
“Y...
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“We’ll see abou...
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Manamea translates to: favorite person, dear, darling, sweetheart, lover.
“I love you, Lane. I want you to know that, even if it changes nothing. It should change nothing. But it matters to me that you know. I know you don’t want me to wait—but I can’t imagine a world in which this feeling just goes away.”
Because Matt is my own personal comfort. A walking hot-water bottle. A favorite blanket. A cozy hoodie. A cup of tea delivered with a kiss on the forehead. Warmth builds and builds inside my chest, and I realize suddenly, clearly, and certainly—I’ve never felt like this about anyone else. I think I’m in love with Matt.
Trust me, I thought about it. I’ve thought about every possible option here. And the only thing that’s worse than being around you and not being with you—is the idea of not being near you.”
But every part of me wants to make sure he’s still willing to wait—despite my having told him not to. Because the idea of our timelines not overlapping—of our love not aligning—is terrifying.
“I’m not sure. I still need time, but if I’m going to love anyone, if I’m going to face my fears, if I’m going to give my heart away, as worn and hardened as it may be…it’s going to be you. It could only be you.”
“If we were infinite beings, I wouldn’t worry about holding you like this every second I could. I’d know I’d get to do it again. The love I have for you is urgent. It’s a needy thing. Maybe it wouldn’t be if we had eternity. I’d get lazy with it.”
So long as you keep thinking he’s the best person in the world, you’re going to keep convincing yourself you’re unworthy of him.”
Fuck, I miss you. You’ve ruined me. Do it again.
“I finished in my shorts. Before you even touched me. Like a damn teenager. I was mortified.”
