I have worked with numerous survivors whose tears immediately triggered them into toxic shame. Their own potentially soothing tears elicited terrible self-attacks: “I’m so pathetic! No wonder nobody can stand me!” “God, I’m so unlovable when I snivel like this!” “I f*ck up, and then make myself more of a loser by whining about it!” “What good is crying for yourself – it only makes you weaker!” This latter response is particularly ironic, for once grieving is protected from the critic, nothing can restore a person’s inner strength and coping capacity like a good cry. I have defused active
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