Kingdom of Fallen Ash (The Order #1)

by Katerina St. Clair

Someone spent a great deal of time on the genetic code responsible for the details of his face.

Valerie lies slumped, holding her side after receiving a harsh blow. I expect to find humor in the situation, as I always do. Today, for some reason though, I don’t.

In this fleeting moment, I realize why my smile has not left my face. Xavier’s thoughts are entirely his own, filled with defiance and challenge in ways I’ve never seen anyone dare to express. At that moment, for the first time in a long time, my defiant mind suddenly felt a little less lonely.

I wanted answers. Now, all I have are questions.

But I need more than perfect. I need flaws. I need something to feel real for once in my life.

“You still haven't gathered how little she wants you, have you?” Fallan questions.

“Shifter,” she screams in a voice nothing short of a nightmare. “That’s not possible,” I whisper. Feeling my voice shake, I look up at Fallan for confirmation. Fallan’s eyes grow dark at the statement, finally filling with the one expression I have yet to see on him. Fear.

“You will never allow someone like me to disarm you like that again. It's pathetic!” he hisses, yanking me tighter. “You’re better than that. I never want to see that from you again,” he spits, scanning my face with anger before pulling away completely. He creates several feet of space between us.

Something primal inside me stirs at the image of him in control, and I want nothing more than to shove it into the deepest parts of my mind.

“You never asked me why I took my clothes off for you,” I say silently, watching his pupils dilate at the statement. "Why did the untamable Forest Blackburn do that for me?” “Only one of my shirts needs your blood on it,” I hiss, watching his expression change to shock as I raise my fist, driving it as hard as I can into his jaw.

“What we know is ours and ours alone. Please stop trying to navigate to me so soon after what happened… I hear you, Forest, but I don't want to hear your thoughts of him. I’m cutting you off for today.”

“I told myself I wouldn't come near you,” he continues, moving his hands from my waist closer to my ass, giving me no warning before sliding them down my thigh. He grabs me tighter before dragging me flush to his front, propping me against the side of the house as my legs instinctively wrap around his waist.

“But then he touched you,” Fallan continues, bringing his lips close to my neck, hovering over the same sensitive spot Xavier had explored earlier. “Like he knew you. Like he knew my Little Dove,” Fallan continues, not once letting his lips land on the skin. “The memory of him touching you drives me fucking insane,” Fallan whispers, biting his lip as he pulls away from my neck, clenching his jaw out of frustration. “He gets to touch you, to feel you. To be something to you. And all I can do is watch all of it while I have to pretend to hate you,”

“What am I to you?” I question, watching the torment that swirls in his eyes. "If I tell you,” he says, inching his face closer to my own, letting our noses brush, “I lose you.” he finishes in a whisper.

“Hate me, Forest,” he begs, his hands dragging up and down beneath my shirt. “Please, hate me,” he continues, stopping his hand motions, “I can't keep having you look at me like I matter. Like you’re holding a door open for me, and I can have you. It’s delusional to think there’s a way for me to get to you, knowing they'll rip it all away,” he seethes, making me that much more confused. “But having you look at me tonight the way you did was worth every lashing they gave me,” he admits, pressing his lips firmly to the top of my head. I feel my heart burst on the spot, my mind forcing something back into the shadows to keep this moment free from falling into obscurity, to be uninterrupted for just a little longer. “It will be worth it every time,” he finishes, pulling his lips away from my forehead.

“Have we been here before?” I question in my mind. I close my eyes, hunting through all the spaces where the chip has embedded itself. I can feel its presence, waiting and threatening to seal my thoughts shut, trying to trap me in. But this time, I’m ready and hold it back. “The answer to that doesn’t change anything, Little Dove,” he whispers back, filling my body with chills.

“Well, you see, Forest,” he says with a smile. “You’re the first real symbol of hope I’ve seen in this society in a long time,”

“Why are we walking behind the buildings?” Kai questions, anxiously fiddling with the buttons on his coat. “So no one sees us,” I turn toward him, “I thought that part was clear,” I say, motioning to my outfit of choice.

“How long have they done this?” Kai questions, receiving a laugh from both Hunter and me. “Well, let's see,” Hunter begins, giving Kai a smirk, “How long have Unfortunates been around?”

They spent hours on the operating table, their chips fortified with countless lines of code meant to keep them away from one another for years. How do two people with passed Expulsion tests and a formulated need to hate each other end up like this, inches apart in stolen moments of the night?

“That's not possible,” Kai starts, running his hands through his hair, “Dad is-” “An Unfortunate,” Mark finishes, both of us gripping our seats. “An Unfortunate who turned his back on everyone, all for the sake of a cause he thought was greater than us all,” Mark says, my throat burning with my final question. “What cause?” I question, my hands shaking from anticipation. “You.”

“Who are you talking to?” Kai questions. It's evident in his tone he thinks I’m going insane. “No one…. No one that matters.” “Keep telling yourself I’m not there. That clearly is working out great for you,” the other version of me hisses.

“What hope? Mark, I’m nobody. I can’t save anyone,” I say, clinging to my brother's hand. Mark smiles, shaking his head. “Says the girl, breaking every single one of her people's rules, all for a boy from a group she was raised to hate.”

Every time I see her, something urges me to be near her. It's the connection formed from when we were children. I hear her laugh in fleeting moments of the night. The sweet upturn of her smile devours her face as prominently as her kind eyes. I feel her hands on my chest, pulling me down to taunt a kiss I’ve still never allowed to happen, knowing there’s no way I could let anyone touch her once I’ve had her that way.

“How many times will we be here like this before you realize I will never stop? Some things can't be altered with a chip and a pill you shove down her throat. Every morning and every night, I am haunted by every moment I've looked at her and she's looked right past me. You rip her away, making promises she will never return, only to be wrong each time.”

“Forest is not with him in that way,” Xavier says, my stomach churning at his words, “If you speak her name around me one more time, I swear I will make sure it's you on the ground,” I snap, feeling the binds nearly break from my pull.

rises to his feet. "I do hope you try.” Xavier glances over to Hunter. “Keep your guard dog in line,” Xavier says, turning on his heels to walk away. “She will never choose you,” Hunter yells, watching Xavier’s body freeze at the statement.

“Xavier said-” “Don’t say his fucking name around me!” Fallan snaps, turning on his heels at the mention of the blonde Official.

My head is spinning at the symphony of contradictions that make up Fallan. One moment, his words were sharp as ice, and the next, they were tender and kind. He is unpredictable, and being around his different moods was like being caught in a dance of extremes that left you unsure of your footing. It's a dynamic that is driving me mad.

“I should call you crazy for being in my sector, you Untouchable scum,” she spits, leaning her back into Fallan, expecting his embrace. He keeps his hands on her lower back, urging her away. My chest is heavy as a wave of jealousy overcomes me. At this point I’m ready to squash her like the pest she is, wondering how much she’d squirm if I put her in the same hold as she’d had my brother in. “We could drag her out of here by her hair,” it says silently, my mouth curling into a smile. “Easy, Little Dove,” Fallan says, my eyes shooting to him.

I turn away from their curious eyes, dreading the thought of how alone we’ll be when we make it back to our sector. Everything will be different now, and I’m terrified of what that means for us. “Does my heart still beat?” Fallan questions down the bond, his voice low and solemn. I nod, not needing to say anything else. “Then you will never be alone.”

“Why have you been so quiet?” Fallan’s voice echoes. A smile of relief spans across my face when I realize he’s been worried. “Did I do something to warrant that smile, or is your head elsewhere?” Xavier questions, watching me in the reflection of the mirror. “I can sense that blonde twit,” Fallan says sarcastically. A wave of his anger passes through me.

“I don’t need eyes to sense how much he enjoys being alone with you,” Fallan whispers, my mouth curling up again. “Why do you care? Maybe I want him alone with me,” I say, feeling the space in my mind grow crowded as Xavier’s hand presses down harder.

“Can I trust you?” “Trust me? When will you learn?” It smiles, pointing its finger at me. “I am you.”

“I couldn't stand another second of watching him touch you,” Fallan says. The wall in his mind is as safeguarded as ever. There's no running now. Weeks of nothing but secret conversations in our minds and distance between us. “You said-” “I can’t keep avoiding you… it's eating me alive,” he whispers.

“The world you live in is a lie,” the voice hisses. “We are here to tell you, the ash is not all that remains.” Upper leadership is frozen, unable to stop the voice from continuing. “There are those amongst you who have broken free of this facade. New Haven isn’t safe. The Commander lies to you all. Find us,” the voice says, my stomach churning. “And your souls will finally be free.”

"Did you hear that voice?” I question silently to the monster in my mind, still unsettled by the eeriness in the man’s tone. “I heard everything.” “And?” I push. “He's going to regret stepping into our mind.”

At the sight of Fallan, Josh moves closer to me, tugging me into his side. “Why don’t you reconsider where you've got your hands,” Fallan says, taking a few steps further into the room.

“Would it be worth it to make him drop that whole glass of champagne on the girl next to him?” he questions, my eyes averting to the girl in his company. "It would be a shame to ruin such a pretty dress,” I admit, appreciating the light pinks wrapped around her slender frame. Fallan moves to hand out more drinks, his body working past me as his voice reaches my ear. “Your dress outshines everyone else’s,” he whispers, my cheeks reddening.

“I’m so happy you’re here,” Max whispers into my ear. “I'm starting to have a real distaste towards all the blonde men in your life,” Fallan whispers in my mind, my mouth curving into a smile at how obvious his jealousy is

“If you look at me like that again while thinking of him, Forest, or show me images of him touching you,” he mutters, his anger now more discernible. He moves my chin, facing it toward a metal table filled with odds and ends. “I can promise you I won’t be able to stop myself from laying you across that table and fucking you until you forget his name.” My mouth snaps shut. "I will make sure he knows I've had you.”

“If I’m only a distraction,” I push, pointing my finger to his chest, “Why do you care about Xavier touching me?” I spit. He looks back at me angrily and turns on his heels. Rushing toward me, he slams the wall behind me, his eyes lowered as he speaks. “Hate me!” he yells, my heart racing. “God damn it, Forest, just hate me so I don’t have to think of you every fucking time I close my eyes! You eat away at my every waking thought like a vile disease!” he spits, lingering in the space above me.

Forest’s words about Xavier’s origin circle my mind. Our brief interaction at Adam’s house the night of the Solstice dinner was enough to make me question him entirely. He’s moved past me with such stealth that I thought I imagined what he’d said to me. “If I see you touch her tonight, I’ll hold her down against the table and show them what she’s been hiding along her hip.”

“I would have ripped out their throats before they could have even thought of harming you,” he mutters, his thumb moving to trail along my lower lip. I lean a little closer, my breath uneven with anticipation. “No one will ever hurt you again as long as I’m around.”

“Your smile has haunted me for longer than you know. Drawing it adds to the pain of knowing none of those smiles were meant for me. But when I look at these pictures, sometimes I pretend it’s me you’re smiling at.”

“We've met before, not in passing, not for a moment. We've met. There’s history between us,” I begin, taking a step towards him. He takes one back, unwilling to explore this topic. “Forest-” “You don't get to avoid this anymore,” I snap, toying with the necklace around my neck. “You gave this to me, and ever since then, I’ve never taken it off. I remember what it felt like to have your hands on me,” I push, no longer able to avoid this. “Your presence intoxicates me to the point where I feel like I’m going mad. Feeling this connection is so natural.”

“What are you so afraid of?” He snaps, his mental wall cracking under the pressure. As he moves towards me, I backstep until my back hits the wall. His hands grasp the sides of my face, his fears swirling within him, ready to burst free. “Losing you!” he yells, his voice layered with different emotions.

“Damn it, Forest! Can’t you fucking see? I lose everyone in one way or another.” A vivid image of my father passes through my mind. “My parents, friends, family-” More and more faces flash in front of me, all of them dead. “And then for one fucking moment,” he continues, the night of the bonfire filling my mind. “There you were. Fragile and innocent, like a small bird.” His hands move away from my face and down my side. “And I wanted to keep that one good thing safe.” His hands squeeze my hips, my face flush with blood flow. “And they threatened to take it all… to take you away. A whole person wiped away with a little pill,” he continues, my heart breaking. “And now they threaten me again, no longer with a pill, but with your bloodshed.” “I want you,” he starts, his mind rampant. “And they know that.”

“One kiss and I can never walk away. One kiss and I am yours until the day my heart stops.”

“Don’t push me away,” I plea, a small tear escaping my eye. I sense the pain my words cause him, feeling its heaviness in my chest. “I have to, or else we can’t even have this… and worse, I end up losing you,”