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October 19 - October 30, 2025
“There are no secrets here, babe. We’ve been best friends since before we had pubes.”
I mutter, “Yes, Mother.” “Don’t sass me, young lady, or you’re grounded.” “Ha.” “And I’ll take away all your electronic devices.” She snickers. “Especially the vibrating ones.” I say without heat, “You’re a terrible friend.” “You’ll thank me later. You probably can’t even have an orgasm with a real penis anymore because you’ve been hammering your vagina with all those power tools. Your cooch is a construction zone.” “I’m hanging up now.” “Don’t forget to eat!”
God, why do you hate me? Was it something I did? Do you disapprove of all the vibrators?
“I told you I wasn’t a good man.” “You didn’t tell me you were the head of the Russian mafia.” “I’m not the head.” He pauses. “He’s in prison. I’m second-in-command.” “Jesus!” “Nobody’s perfect.” My laugh is caustic. “Seriously? That’s your argument for why I should keep seeing you?”
My god, the way he talks. The man is the Shakespeare of smut.
“This is hardly conservative. You could puncture a lung with this monster.”
How dare this guy—who I barely spent a few months with, who I never even screwed—pull this petty, territorial, caveman bullshit.
I’ve been aching for you. I think you’ve put a spell on me, little witch.”
“It’s a Russian love knot. The three interlocking rings signify different aspects of devotion. White gold is soft. It molds to the hand, the way love molds two people together. Yellow gold is hard, the way true love is hard against anything that tries to break it. And rose gold is rare.” He looks deep into my eyes. “Like what we have between us.” When I burst into tears, he looks mortified. “Oh, shit. You hate it.”
He’s in full alpha mode.
“I didn’t realize your heart was located inside your vagina.”
My heart in my voice, I say, “Kill me if it will take away your pain, love. If it will give you even a little peace, pull the trigger and end me.”
“Yep. I’m not worried about being easy to swallow anymore. You can choke.”
