Evergreen (Evergreen, #1)

by Autumn Woods

But more than that, I can’t be bothered to tell her because I need to be kissing her.

“I can’t have children.” I push myself off her, sitting upright. My heart thuds in my mouth, the look in her eyes telling me that she is speaking the truth. She said no questions, but I can’t do that. Because I have two. “Did someone do that to you?” She nods, and my nails leave crescent-shaped cuts in my hands as I clench my fists. “And are they still alive?”

"You're a work of art," I tell her, in a language she doesn’t even know.

She nods, but I can’t see her face. This is my favourite position, but with her, it feels too far away. I want to see every expression on her face. I want to know how this is for her. I flip her over so I’m on top, kissing her far too softly for a man like me.

I thrust into her while she’s distracted and she cries out, sitting up so her head is in my neck. Fuck, this is intimate. I don’t think I’ve had this feel so close before.

So I do, because I don’t want to deny this woman anything she wants. And I’m almost speechless, because with her it is completely different. I've been with many women in many places, but Renna feels like home. “Ren, you feel like you were made for me." Her eyes cast upwards, her hands hanging onto me for dear life. "Oh, gods. It's overwhelming."

"I'm going to come.” Her voice is strained, desperate for more. "It's never felt like this." "Never," I concur, my voice rough.

My chest is heaving as I press my forehead to hers, her beautiful body glistening with sweat. That was...I've never come like that. Never felt like that. "You don't have to say it," she whispers, her face earnest, "I felt it too."

She’s giggling. Giggling. I didn’t even think the Shadow Commander could make that noise. Fuck violins. Fuck waterfalls. Fuck wind through the trees. Renna giggling is the most relaxing sound.

And like she is so fond of doing, she keeps my self-esteem in check by falling asleep while I’m talking to her.

"Hello, Ellatar!" She says, as if he created the world himself. My mood dips.

"You have to understand, Lynna. It's all I can say," I insist, and Espan nods his agreement. Lynna's eyes meet his, a delicate frown crossing her soft features. "You know?" "It's not my place to pry in Renna's past," says Espan, squeezing my hand. "But I met her as a child, and that was many decades ago now. Of course, I pieced it together a long time ago, but I know Renna, and she wouldn't hide something if she didn't need to. So I have guarded her secret for a long time, but you can hide it no longer, Renna. You’ve run from it for too long."

I shrug. I can't bring myself to say I'm an Evergreen out loud. It's technically untrue.

the cut. "Renna,” she says, her voice turning uneasy, almost distant. "Are they scars on your ears there?" "No," I snap, quickly. Too quickly. Lynna is more than clever, and I can see her solving puzzles in her head. My fingers flex. I have to kill her. I have to kill anyone who knows. "Did someone cut your ears, Renna? Were they...it cannot be...you cannot be a—“ In a fraction of a second, I slam her against the wall, my hands at her throat. My face is an inch from hers, my eyes carrying a calamitous warning. "Think wisely about your next sentence, Lynna. It could well be your last. Say it out loud and I swear I'll kill you."

Stay here. Don’t cause trouble." "Can't I clean my face up?" I ask, lukewarm blood tricking down my chin and onto my neck. "No. It may work in your favour. Rexxan is more protective of you than he lets on,"

They push me onto my knees on the floor in front of the King. "What happened to her face?" His voice is arctic with fury, at everyone, I imagine. He’s busy enough without all this. "Did one of my guards hit you?"

"Twenty-seven years ago, Espan took an arrow to the chest to save my son’s life. He's cashing in his favour in return for your life." I give him a tight smile. "Good to know you equate the value of your son’s life with the pleasure you'd receive from killing me." "Renna, stop," warns Espan. Whoops. That one came out accidentally.

I gaze down at her. She's so fucking beautiful that there are books about it. She’s unnaturally clever, raised for life in the public eye, trained in royal etiquette. She's funny and she's kind. Wise and empathetic. So why, fucking why, in seven hundred and fifty years of friendship could I never feel for her the same fire that I feel for Renna? "She feels for you too," she breathes, reading my mind as aquamarine eyes search mine.

I bonded with someone for the first time since I was a child, and it was all a fucking lie.

"Who found the hidden cave?" Espan sighs. "That’s what I wanted to tell you earlier. It was Renna and Onyx. Don't go flying off the handle. Her army has taken a few months of work spying for me, and she's the best I've had." I ignore the way my heart rate spikes at the mention of her name as we walk out of the palace grounds. She’s crossed my mind every day for months, but the Renna that I know is nothing more than an act.

I feel myself blush. I may hate Rexxan, but my ovaries aren’t on board with that yet, and seeing the evil, conniving, six-foot-nine brute let a girl put a flower in his hair is doing things to my body that I cannot explain. His dark brown hair is up in a messy bun, stubble covering his square jawline, and I’m just mush.

"You'll make a wonderful mother one day, Renna." And just like that, the words she'd meant so kindly feel like a twisting knife to the chest. When I open my mouth to formulate a reply, nothing appears. "You do want children, don't you? Oh, it'd be such a waste if you didn't! They just adore you!" "Mary, you couldn't get me a glass of water, could you?" Asks Rexxan, flashing her a smile that no woman in Yterras could possibly say no to. She’s a puddle on the floor at the sight, stopping to stare at him for a split second before she leaps into action, scurrying off. Rexxan turns his eyes to me. "Renna." I hold up a hand. “Just don't."

Rexxan is laughing too now, absentmindedly skimming stones over the water’s surface. I feel so free when I'm with him. I can't explain it. People often say that when they’ve found the right person they feel free to finally be happy. But it’s not just that. With Rexxan, I feel free to be sad. To be anxious. To feel unsure. Free to wear my troubles on the outside without judgment, and that means so much more.

"I understand. Kelen won't lay another finger on you." "He was just angry. Wait—what did you do to him?" "Let's just say...," he drums his ringed thumb on his thigh as if he is bored of talking about it,"...he has fewer fingers to be able to lay on you." Did he...he didn't. Did he? He cut off another King's fingers for touching me? Why is that making me aroused? He’s reading my mind again, I know it.

surprised. I knew you were ruthless, but you seemed quite forgiving to me." "Only to you," he replies, his deep voice caressing my skin like butter.

He always knows when I lie. I opt for the truth. "None."

I understand now that he keeps my hands constrained because he thinks I’ll hurt his scars, but I’d love for him to trust me more.

Tell me what you've done with her!" He’s screaming in my face now, blinded by crippling dread on behalf of his sister.

Our heads turn to the sound of the door opening and there she stands, leaving me wondering if she was quite that beautiful when she left.

She’s pale from blood loss. I feel her forehead. She is shivering violently but not cold, and I think she’s just dehydrated and exhausted. I’m not used to feeling like this about someone, but seeing her in this state is making me…sad? Angry? Some kind of cocktail of the two, I think.

"You're very strong," I say, kissing her as Lynna sizzles her skin with some disinfectant chemical. I mean it. I’m in awe of her. She falls asleep as I run my fingers through her hair, but I stay exactly where I am for an hour. I like just being with her. Just coexisting beside her. It’s nice. I’ll miss her when I go home.

"She's in bed. She can't get back to sleep, despite her exhaustion. She wants you to sit with her." Why is my chest glowing with pride? She wants me there with her. Me. It's an honour. I knock and creep into her room where she lies in bed, her whole body covered by a night dress that is far too big for her.

Note to self; don't get shot and stabbed in one day again. Maybe split them over a few days next time, Ren.

"I was worried about you, love." I’m coming to terms with the fact that I don’t hate that particular nickname. "I'm okay." "Thank the gods," he says, tucking some hair behind my ear.

He's a work of art, sculpted by centuries of dedication and gruelling training. Only when he sucks in a sharp intake of air do I realise how aroused he is. "Sorry." "It's fine. I'm not sure there'll be a day where you don't have this effect on my body."

My face blushes where it lies gently on his chest. "Ruthless—“ "Don't call me that." “I thought you liked that nickname? You are ruthless.” “Not to you. I don’t want to be ruthless to you.”

"So many ways I could take you, love. Give me a year alone in this room with you and it still won’t be enough."

Fuck. Maybe I shouldn’t have told him that I’m immortal, because now he knows that we have forever.

It has the desired effect because the Forest King looks at me like I’m all he ever needs. Like he could die right here and call his life fulfilled. "You are the promised land, Renna. No man is worthy."

She wobbles, her hand on his bicep, and he steadies her with orange eyes on hers. "Can I let go? Are you steady?" "Wow...you're...big." "Okay, that's enough, Anna," say Onyx and me, prizing her off him. I am filled with something that feels suspiciously like jealousy. Blame the wine, Ren. Blame the wine.

Her fingers pinch her delicate nose in sheer frustration and holy fuck, I want this woman. And I don’t just mean in the bedroom sense.

I whisper, taking her deceivingly sweet face between my hands and kissing her forehead gently. I don’t want her to find out my weaknesses, but Renna has bared all hers to me. It's fair I start to do the same.

I could leave tomorrow, hypothetically, but I’m not going to. I’m staying for some royal dinner event at the end of the week. That’s what I’m telling myself, anyway. It has nothing to do with the fact that that's four extra days with Renna. Gods above, I’m even lying to myself.

I have no desire for anyone but you," I say, honestly. No one captivates me like she does.

"What do I get out of it?" The cheek of this woman. "Other than a date with the ‘world’s most eligible bachelor’ and changing the menu for the entire ball of three hundred people?" "Other than that," she says, beaming. I am bad at women. I have no idea what they want. Lynna just wants expensive dresses and gold. "I'll get you a dress and jewellery to wear?" "A new dagger?" My girl isn't after dresses. Noted. "Of course. Extra sharp. Extra pointy.”

"You can forget about the gifts, I was joking. I'll just come with you."

This makes her frown. "I know...I just...I guess I won't see you again? Or not for many years at least." I don’t like that thought, and I don’t know what to do with the fact that I don’t like that thought. To be honest, I feel fucking miserable about it. In all my seven hundred adult years, I’ve never felt as willing to wake up and get through the day as I do when I’m with her.

Her, and I, we are blessed to know what our happiness is, but cursed to never have

"If you leave her now, you'll always wonder." I put my pencil down with more force than is necessary. "And what would you have me do, Lynna? Have her leave her dream as the Shadow Commander so she can come home and be a trophy wife in my palace? Renna is not made to be a Queen. She is not made for public appearances and smiling in a dress on a balcony. She is built for bigger and better things. Her and I are nothing, and we cannot be anything more than that."

None of the words in all of the languages I speak can adequately describe the way I feel when Renna steps out of Lynna's bedroom door.