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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Alina Jacobs
Read between
December 16 - December 17, 2024
To anyone who's ever consumed an entire bottle of wine and a gingerbread house in one sitting…this one’s for you.
Already in love
Okay, so there were a couple stripes of dark hair I had missed, but I wasn’t Kelly. I didn’t have nothing to do all day except pamper myself, dream up ways to cheat, and destroy historic dresses.
“Those are fake, sonny. Gracie gets those milk duds from me.” The elderly woman reached for her blouse buttons. “Gran, please leave your shirt on,” I said loudly.
“Gracie thinks I’m good enough to come all over her face.”
What LMAO
“She just wishes she was young and voluptuous like us,” Granny Murray whispered, elbowing me in the side.
“You know. A hot guy who travels from woman to woman, trading sex and masculine energy for food and a warm bed.”
“God doesn’t give with both hands. A man’s not going to have a giant dick, a hot body, and a big bank account. You have to pick one.
We are in our villain season.
“You opened the door for me,” she said, pleased. “You were so happy about getting the truck that you forgot to be an asshole. I think it’s adorable. You’re like a kid on Christmas.”
“You know, I did two combat tours in Iraq, and somehow being your fake boyfriend is way more of a clusterfuck,”
“This one’s looking a little dry,” Dakota called when she saw me. “No, she’s not,” Hudson said in a low voice.
Something about Gracie was triggering some sort of weird protective instinct in me. It’s because she’s completely useless.
“Gingerbread houses can be fun,” Granny Murray said from where she was drawing snowmen with huge erections all over her gingerbread house.
Since Hudson was currently in the shower and wasn’t going to pop out of the floor, cock erect, I used the opportunity to change out of my clothes.
“You’re not a real dog,” I whispered to him. “Real dogs are Belgian Malinois and German shepherds. They root terrorists out of caves. You wouldn’t last a day with them.”
Pugnog couldn’t decide which leafless bush he wanted to do his business on. “That one,” I pointed to a bush, “is a particularly good vintage, 1998, a great year.”
“An influencer?” Granny Murray scoffed. “So you’re just flashing your nipple rings on OnlyFans, then. Got it.” “Mom, are you drinking?” “Gracie made mimosas.” “No, I didn’t.” “Fine.” Granny Murray shrugged. “I made my own mimosa.”
“I wanted this special yarn,” she finally admitted, “and they ran out. See? It’s dumb. You think I’m childish.” “You’re allowed to like things,” I told her carefully.
“Your family really goes all out for Christmas, huh?” I said. “It’s the happiest time of the year.” “And that’s why you’re crying on a bench outside of a yarn store,” I said to her.
My grandmother pulled out a bottle of whisky from a thigh holster and a glass out of her bra.
“Not you. I’m a plastic surgeon,” the man slurred. “I already know what fake tits look like. I meant him. Uh—” “Uncle Kirk?” I said as the crowd shuffled to look at him. He shrugged helplessly. “Surprise, everyone. I’m bi.”
The elderly woman flashed me a thumbs-up. “Carry on. Don’t forget to put your tits away before you come back inside. Astelle is in a state.”
“James doesn’t even go to this family.” My cousin Bobby booed behind his hand.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.”
“Bloood!” Granny Murray bellowed as Hudson and my uncle crashed into each other on the ice. “Slit his throat!” “Gran. That’s your son.”
Someone wants to be a real boy for Christmas.
“If she gets up because of you,” I told him, eyes still half-closed, “I’m going to break your face.” “The god has spoken.” Logan raised his arms.
Granny Murray said as she headed out in her skimpy exercise clothes, wearing a shirt that said Yes I Strip!
Granny Murray whooped, carting in a box of wine and a large steaming box of pizza. “This is not enough for the whole family,” Dakota said, taking the box. “That’s why I have this.” Granny Murray pulled out her Taser. “We’re going to get wasted then go get laid. Lots of lonely divorced men out there on Christmas Eve looking for a little love. It’s not as easy to get laid as on New Year’s Eve. That’s like shooting sperm in a barrel, but we’ll give it our best shot.”
“You on your period?” “What?” “Depends on which bar we go to. Some guys have certain kinks that obviously I can’t fulfill.”
“She is sick of incompetent men being given all the credit and all the benefit of the doubt. New Year’s resolution—I am not making myself small so that rude pompous men can feel better about themselves. Put up or get out.”
“A parking space? That’s worth as much as rent.” “Shocking. A billionaire who actually knows how much something costs. Do a gallon of milk.” I snapped my fingers. “$2.89.” I applauded. “Congratulations! You will not be visited by a dead business partner and three ghosts tonight.”
“Can’t a woman make enough French toast for the Lithuanian army uninterrupted?”
“Oh my god!” Dakota freaked out. “It’s the ring. Are you freaking kidding me! Okay, yes, we accept your proposal, Hudson.”
“It’s hard getting old. I’m surprised I haven’t died waiting for you to get married, Gracie. You certainly took your time.”
