Good Elf Gone Wrong (Wynter Brothers, #1)

by Alina Jacobs

“I’m not telling you to get married. I’m telling you to find a hot piece of tail, fuck him in the back seat of a Camaro, parade him around, and shut up that gossipy old woman.”

I came up behind her, tipping her head back, some of the icing in the piper squirting all over her fingers. The ghostly memory of the touch of her hand on my zipper chose that moment to conspire against me and make me wonder what it would be like to watch her lick my cum off her fingers.

“That sentient lump of dried whale sperm? No, I meant him.”

My ex shrank like a micropenis in the cold morning air.

“James doesn’t even go to this family.” My cousin Bobby booed behind his hand.

😂😂😂

“You took my door,” I shrieked. “So I can’t shut it. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.”

Ouch my childhood trauma hurts

The elderly woman blew a raspberry. “I have three more sons just like him. Kill him, Hudson! Fight fight fight! We paid good money to be here. I need a viral TikTok video.”

“If she gets up because of you,” I told him, eyes still half-closed, “I’m going to break your face.”

Who did my fake boyfriend think he was, not acting like the fake father of my fake baby?

I wasn’t sure if I had it in me anymore. I felt like this last job, Gracie had broken me.

“Hi. I’m Elsa. I love Christmas and pugs and brunch, and we’re going to be amazing friends, and I have a sister now, and I totally won’t sleep with your fiancé because that would be really weird.”

My cousins made horny cat noises.