Soledad: A Novel

by Angie Cruz

Flaca starts shaking Iluminada. Almost have her making flips in the air she so light, light as a Mr. Softee ice cream cone. What are you made of?

Flaca thinks that’s really weird and then remembers she supposedly didn’t blink much when she was a kid. You knew too much too soon, Gorda says to Flaca like it’s some kind of curse. How could you know too much? It’s like putting too much water in the ocean, impossible.

You know what, Iluminada, Mami says I was quiet too, really quiet. She says when she’d talk private things with people in the kitchen, she forgot I was there, that’s how quiet I was. She told me she don’t know how I learned to talk so much.

When I’m with Caramel I always feel like I’m about to get into trouble.

She loves saying she’s a lesbian. She savors it. She says it took her so long to admit it to herself and the world she refuses to hide it from anyone.

Behind her back they will yell at me because of her pierced nose and the tattoo around her ankle, as if I were the one who came home wearing them. They’ll say . . . Tell me who you hang out with and I’ll tell you who you are. They will lament over what happens to girls when they go downtown with all those locas Americanizadas. They will hold on to Flaca even tighter, with more fear that she will fall from grace and get corrupted.

I like them spicy, just like my mother. And that makes you proud. Ever since I can remember I try to dislike everything my mother likes.

I’m not even sure if what I don’t like is because I really don’t like it or because I’m just reacting to my mother liking it.

Soledad, our mamás are our mamás. You know what I mean? It’s a life law. We must honor our mother, our great-grandmothers, no matter what. It’s all one big cycle of events.

Why don’t I feel that way? Sometimes I hate my mother so much I wish she dies so my life can be easier.

You can’t hate her. All that hate is love disguised. She gave you life. You will see when you have children; you will expect that from them too. You will expect them to love you on this deep fundamenta...

And like the good daughter that you are you check up on your mother every day. You read to her. Even when you’re not talking about it I know you’re thinking about her. You’ve even lost weight over it. That’s part of that deep love, mujer. It’s mixed with guilt, and that messed-up shit we carry. But believe me, your mother carries more.

She’s telling them she saw Raful but if they only knew the whole story. Her passionate nights with this spirit she called Raful and all this time he’s been at the Nuts for Donut shop. She feels like such a fool.

I’m thinking, maldito cabrón. He never left. At first, I felt really happy that I found him, that all this time he was so close by. For a few minutes I completely forgot that he abandoned me and Flaca.

I remember how much fun he made of men who took jobs boys could do. He would say, you want to see me get a job making hamburgers? I’ll move back to my country before that ever happens.

I wasn’t ready to talk to him. All that time I was waiting for him to get out of work, thinking about what to say, and I wasn’t ready.

Where are you going, chula? Wait, wait, don’t tell me, none of my business, right?

She doesn’t want to miss seeing Richie. She’s wearing her new hiphugger shorts just for him to see.

Mi Soledad como un sol, he says over and over as if he’s writing a song.

Richie completely irritates me. Every time I see him I want to hit him, bang something over his head. He’s like some loser, who actually likes hanging around this neighborhood, as if he owns shares to the property.

Goddamn it! You scared me loca, he says. I can tell he’s pretending to be startled by the exaggeration of his surprise.

Thank you, corazón, he says. My father used to call me corazón when he wanted something from me.

So you’re an artist. I would’ve never guessed. You’re so uptight.

Between work and helping my family, not to mention the fact I don’t have any time to be creative anymore. I have to steal those moments and that just sucks. Steal one right now and draw me.

Well? That’s it? Corazón, you gotta give me a little more than that so I won’t kill myself.

Maybe I can improve on your very good mark. You can play profesora. I’ll be the dedicated student.

When he goes to sit back down on the piano bench he misses and almost falls on the floor. I giggle, I can tell he’s also a little nervous.

He’s not a man I can imagine myself with, but right now I don’t care. If Richie tries to kiss me, I think I will let him.

When I open my eyes, his freshly licked lips are right in front of my face. He has a beauty mark on his neck. I want to touch it. It was so wonderful. Aha now you think I’m wonderful.

But if you want to stay, Richie says, holding my arm. I mean the drawing, I would love you to do one for me. Does he want me to stay or go?

Tía Olivia, is it true? Mami says there’s nothing that can make a man want a woman more than jealousy. As soon as he knows another guy is after his girl, he flips and he hunts after them.

Do you think that I should let Richie think that I’m on Pito’s shit? I mean I really don’t like Pito. He has a gold tooth that sometimes looks like his tooth is missing all together but I know he likes me bad and because he’s Richie’s friend that shit would get back to Richie quick.

Pito’s been coming by the building looking for me. And I know what you all say about once you kiss you can’t go back to holding hands.

Tía, I can tell Pito wants to kiss me every time I see him and he makes me feel like I should. But we never even held hands. I admit it. I like the attention.

Sometimes when Flaca speaks to me I just want to grab her and squeeze her. I want to laugh out loud with delight because she still believes she can do anything her heart desires. It’s as if she knows that if she puts her mind to it she can keep her promises to me and everybody else.

And the best part of her is that she believes in love and passion and she listens. When she presses her ear to my lips and listens to me breathe, I know she can read my mind. I tell her I love her as if she were my own daughter.

I tell Flaca to be patient with Gorda, because it’s so hard to be a mother.

He tries not to think about her short skirt and the fact that Ramona takes off her underwear right before he arrives. That when he feeds her the chocolate-covered walnut fudge with a dash of coconut chunk, she will suck his fingers too. And that soon his fingers will travel inside her, feeling every bumpy, smooth, slippery corner between her legs.

He wants to come, he wants to come inside of Ramona who smells like lavender. He wants to grab her breasts, feel their fullness in his hand, but she won’t let him, she doesn’t want her blouse to get wrinkled. So he breathes heavily into her ear, listens for her soft whimpers. And then it’s over. She

Hands off, she’s just a baby, Toe-knee says, pushing one of them away. Flaca doesn’t like that Toe-knee calls her a baby. The cute guy winks at Flaca anyway.

Flaca sees her mother seeing her in the midst of all her new guy friends. Mother and daughter’s eyes lock in time and Flaca doesn’t know if she should wave hello or run. So she just stands there not looking away. Gorda looks at Flaca as if she weren’t her daughter, just some girl from around the block, and then she breaks the trance by walking by as if she hasn’t seen Flaca at all.

Blame it on me, tell her you were waiting for me. Flaca has already decided that she would do that. Gorda already blames Caty for all the bad things Flaca has ever done.

Flaca knows her mother is really mad if she started making dinner. Her mother never cooks. They usually eat whatever her grandmother sends them.

Flaca, what do you know about this guy Richie? Oh no Soledad, you better not be asking me nothing about my Richie if you know what’s good for you. He is my man, so step off his shit.

Gorda, that’s enough, Soledad begs her to stop. Flaca can’t believe her cousin’s defending her. Gorda beats her with the belt and then with her fist. It’s the first time Gorda ever put a hand on Flaca.

Gorda doesn’t feel cramps, headaches or anything to explain why her body leaks from down there. She always says the words down there in a low raspy whisper, as if just mentioning it is something that will send her right to Hell.

Gorda’s seen cases like Olivia on the talk show Luz y Esperanza on channel 41. They had a special on women who sleep through depression. They want to die, they said, but they don’t have the courage to go that far.

That’s why all these years she lets Flaca spend time with Olivia, even though the hold Olivia has over Flaca drives Gorda mad. Flaca knows how to make Olivia feel better, especially after Soledad left. Olivia became so withdrawn the whole family was worried. When they reached out to her, Olivia would say, Everything is fine. Really. I don’t need anything.

Gorda wants to tell the pregnant women that babies out of the womb might as well have wings. Nothing can stop them from growing away from us, she thinks.

Flaca, why you looking at your Tía Olivia that way, as if you never seen me before? We’re supposed to be best friends.