The Canary Cowards

by Jescie Hall

“He doesn't know how to react. I'm not normal people and he knows it. They always know.”

“It's better when you get to say goodbye.”

Give her your best goodbye. Best goodbye. She needs the best goodbye.”

Such an amazing soul, trapped in this shell that society tells us to separate from the rest of us.

He has no idea how much this moment will change me.

I realize I've slipped. Slipped and fallen so hard there's no getting up.

This pain he's holding? I want to take it on as my own. I want to be everything he needs, especially now, because I understand him. It's so complicated, yet so simple.

It makes me sad for all the wasted kisses out there that aren't this kind. So many wasted kisses.

“It's more than that. You love him fiercely. You protect him. You're as selfless as they come, Dylan, and that's not something anyone can teach you or something you can even learn on your own. It’s just who you are.”

“I had a hard time with it all, knowing he'd be alone. Feeling as if I’m leaving him. But after today, Dylan, after meeting you and Colin…” she pauses, her eyes filled with a hopefulness that makes my eyes water. “I know he's not. Nor will he ever be.”

“He'll fight you, you know. Find reasons to assume he's not good enough to fit into your world. Not worthy of another woman who sacrifices herself for others. He's as stubborn as the asshole who made him.” She makes a face.

“I can't work with you anymore, Dylan,” he interrupts.

“You're different, Lake! You said you'd take me any way you could get me! You told me what you wouldn't do was let me go! You made promises!”

“My focus hasn't been where it should be. I need to keep my attention on getting back to what I do best, and you need to focus on your career and Colin. I think we can both agree, this just...got too messy.”

“I know you're not doing this because you want to,” I choke out, tears falling freely down my cheeks. “There's more to it than that. There has to be. There's something you aren't telling me. I know what you're doing. You don't want to walk away. Tell me you don't want to walk away,” I sob.

“Don't make this mistake,” I cry out. “Don't push me away to protect me.”

I ended it with the only girl I’ve ever loved.”

“You didn’t let her choose, did you? You let her go before she could leave you. Because, God forbid, another amazing, selfless woman slips away from you.”

I’m not okay without her. I need Dylan like I need air, but I chose to suffocate instead.

“So what do I do now?” I ask, exasperated. “I mean, what would Ross do?” he says. “Ross?” I contort my face. “Yeah, man. Ross. You know, he was obsessed with Rachel, always feeling as if he wasn’t good enough for a girl like her. But they were endgame, my dude. Endgame.”

My heart still wants him. The worry that it will never change is what haunts me.

He left me before I could leave him.

“I’m sorry,” he says, shaking against me. “I didn’t know where else to go,” he says through cracked, heartbreaking cries. “I have nowhere to go.”

“She’s gone, D,” he cries out, his voice breaking as my body shakes in a sob at the undeniable truth. “She’s gone, and I didn’t get to say goodbye.”

I keep hold of him, wishing I could put this broken man back together, but losing a parent doesn’t allow fixing.

“You’re right where she wanted you,” I whisper.

And tonight, it’s just two shattered souls who’ve lost the fight to need someone.

I don’t deserve her.

“I’ll always be your home, Lake.”

Dylan is my home, and I love her with the only pieces I have left of me.

“I-I’m not mad at him, Pickle. I’m not mad. Colin is not angry with him. H-he helped you. He helped you when Colin lost it. He helped you.”

We just have another flat. Another flat.”

“Just another flat. A flat. Trust the team.”

I began this journey back to the field for my love of one woman and have made it here because of the love of two.

“You love her. Love her. You love her. Don’t waste it, Lake. Love her.”

“All we have is this time right now. Time is always ticking away from us.”

Colin is hugging me.

Never did I imagine today would begin like this. But here I am, receiving a hug from the man whose nose I broke, receiving an embrace from the guy who hates hugs, because he forgives me. Because he knows I still love his sister. And because he’s not a coward like me.

He’s the bravest ma...

I thought she was Pickle?” “She was. But she’s been DD since she’s been yours.” My heart clenches in my chest as my forehead creases, trying to work it out. “Dylan...Decker?”

“She’s sad, Lake. She misses you. DD misses you. S-she’s sad. I want her happy like she was with you. You make her happy. DD was happy. She needs to be happy, and she needs you to do that. We both do.”

I love her with all of me. Every fucking broken piece.

“I love her,” I spit out, not even thinking. “I know,” he says nonchalantly. “I know. So go tell her already. Tell her. What are you waiting for? It’s go time. Race day,” he says, turning again to walk away.

I’m going to win my girl back. The one that’s all she said she is. My home.

Lake Decker is nervous in the presence of his stale therapist. I’ll never live that down.

“She told you to be patient with me, didn’t she?” he asks abruptly.

“There’s no other reason a girl as amazing as you would wait for a guy like me,” he confesses.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, staring down at me. “I’m so sorry I took so long to get my head together, and I’m so sorry for saying sorry so much.”

“I told you on rainbow, I’d never leave you. And I left you. Before you could leave me.”

“But I was wrong, wasn’t I? Because you were never going to walk away, were you?”