The Canary Cowards

by Jescie Hall

Stunning is the only word that comes to mind.

She has no idea that, to me, she's more beautiful in something worn and ratted than any other woman in designer clothes. But it's not even that. It makes me sad because I want to give her the best of everything. She deserves it more than anyone.

It appears your boy, Lake, doesn’t enjoy sharing your attention, Dylan. Guess it's about time I make that clear.

“A look of jealousy?” he asks. “A look of a man who's frustrated because he can't have the only girl he seems to want? A man who aches to touch you in public the way this man was effortlessly allowed?” he continues, pushing off the wall.

“Girls are all over me,” he admits, coming to stand before me. “In my DMs, in my house with Candy, here at the bar...wanting me. Constantly.” He shakes his head. “But it’s like I have blinders on. I can’t see them at all. All I see is you. All I can think about is you. All I want is to be let into your little world, to be close with you, with Colin. To know your secrets better than anyone else. Better than him.”

“I can't stand seeing you like that,” he says in a raspy tone, slowly closing the space between us as he tries to explain. “Your hand...on his arm. His hands, holding onto what’s supposed to be mine.”

“I want you so bad it hurts.”

“I want you,” he says again,

“Why don't you want me?”

I want him, but I need me.

“Tell everyone in there I'm yours and I'll give you the world,” he whispers against my lips.

“It's because I'm stale,”

“Tell me I can kiss you again.”

Lake's laugh calms me.

“You deserve to be selfish sometimes. Even if you find yourself hating the idea.”

“You deserve…” He pauses, playing with my fingers as he attempts to find the words. “You deserve to be looked after, too.”

“I want her to meet the woman that's got me all fucked up. The one training me to get back on that field in record time to slash records and fight for the woman who fought for me. The one that drives me crazy with her wit and smart-ass comebacks. The one that's got me feeling jealous and unhinged, breaking glasses and hating everyone who occupies her mind.”

“The one that's selfless and protective.” His hand squeezes mine. “The one that loves hard.” He sighs, and it's shaky as those eyes look up, piercing through me. “The one that reminds me of her.”

“Well, she sounds dope as hell,” I joke.

He reaches across the console, grabbing the side of my neck, startling me enough to cause me to suck in a breath. “Don't do that,” he says huskily to my widened eyes. “Don't use humor right now. I'm being serious.”

“Tell me you'll be there,” he whispers against my lips. I nod this time. No sarcasm or wit could save me now. “I'll be there.”

“Tell me I can kiss you.” The way he always asks for my consent by somehow demanding it makes me stir with this chaotic need I've stored away my entire life. Until him. “Kiss me, Lake,” I whisper against his lips seconds before they seal to mine.

“I'll chase you,” he interrupts.

“If you even for a second think you're gonna run, know I'll chase you. I'll chase until you're mine,” he whispers, grabbing my wrists and placing them on both sides of the headrest, making me fall forward into him again. “I'll catch you when you're slippin’.” He leans forward to capture my lips, pulling my bottom lip between his and sucking it tenderly before releasing it. “And you'll love every bit of getting caught.”

“Don't make me regret it,” I whisper, peering from his soft lips to his curious eyes. “Training me?” “No,” I reply simply. “Slipping.”

“Told you I'd catch you,” he whispers.

“Be careful with me,” I warn, peering back and forth between his eyes.

“I plan on being a lot of things with you,”

“But careful is not one of them.”

She's mine. She has to be.

“It's you, D,” I groan between kisses. “It's us. It has to be.”

She's such a fucking masterpiece. A once in a lifetime woman. One I'm not sure I deserve.

Behind closed doors, out of the view of the public eye, we've basically solidified this strange sort of secret relationship.

“You're killing me. Kiss me already.”

He always waits for me to break the barrier, to open the floodgates for him. And dammit if this rush of Lake doesn't break them all every time.

“But only one who can get you to scream his name.”

“What's your favorite position?” “Quarterback,” she answers too quickly.

First, I wasn't talking about football positions. And second,” I stall with my mouth open, shaking my head in disbelief, “you should've said running back because your boyfriend is a running back.”

I met her castle. And now I've effectively sealed the gates myself.

I wish this was easier. That our histories didn't hold us back.

But the reality is we are two different people, and sometimes our pasts just don't align to build stable, structured futures.

I can't love him until I know him. All of him.

I love you. I love you. I love you, Dylan. It lingers there, in the back of my throat, my mind screaming the words as I gaze into those glowing embers with the black wispy lashes that curl up perfectly, opening the beauty of her eyes. But I can't say it. I'm terrified of what it means.

“The Canary Cowards.”

No girl of mine will need to fuck her fingers when she’s got me right here.”

“I brush off the hard shit because I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to deal with it because then it's real.

“You look...beautiful,” he whispers, eyes washing over me.

“As long as there's no spice. I don't want to fart in front of your mom. No farts in front of mom. No spice, Lake,” he says with a warning to his tone. “Flatulence.” Lake laughs, his smile spreading across his face, warming me all over.

“Believe it or not, I had nothing to do with this. Her dream. Her house.”

The strongest, most resilient person I've ever known is fading into nothing.