Mistakes We Never Made (Mistakes We Never Made, #1)

by Hannah Brown

I can chart my history with Finn in a series of almosts. We almost dated in high school. We almost hooked up, that summer after freshman year of college. We almost left our significant others for each other after things went too far one magical night on a rooftop in New York. And we would have never spoken again after that big blowup fight at Katie Dalton’s wedding a few years ago, if it were up to me. Our story is a sequence of mistakes almost made—times when I thought Finn and I might be something more than just friends—but thankfully I’ve managed to avoid making the one mistake I know would be fatal: falling for him. He’s a heartbreaker and a mess, and I’ve learned that the hard way more than once.

Because let's be so honest here...if there's a boy we will always give several opportunities to break our heart and torment us, it will always be the first boy to make us feel something real. The type of dopamine rush they gave us honestly is never as high as the ones after. It's an ugly truth, to which time is the only real solution.

It’s been exactly four and a half years since I last encountered Finn Hughes—and I’d happily have gone four and a half lifetimes without seeing him again, if it weren’t for our mutual friendship with Sybil. I knew Finn would be coming to the wedding, but I’d hoped to avoid him by busying myself with maid-of-honor duties and keeping my distance with the help of the nearly two hundred guests Sybil and Jamie invited. But I hadn’t planned for an ambush before the wedding weekend officially got underway at the welcome party tomorrow night.

Okay more than 4 years is a long time to go without seeing your situationship. And yes I say situationship because that's what this is. I think they were still somewhat in each other's lives, been forced to see each other every few months. Even every years would've made sense 4 years is a lot!!

Prom was only a week away, and I planned on just going stag with Willow and some of her theater friends. But now, I had a date. Not just hanging out at a friend’s house at the same time—but my first-ever real date. I said yes with a smile, and Finn slipped his hand into mine. A few days later, we all met at Willow’s house before prom to take photos. I was giddy, wondering if Finn would shake my mom’s hand when I introduced them, or if she’d bust out mortifying baby pictures saved to her phone. But twenty minutes passed, and there was no sign of Finn. I worried that maybe we got our signals crossed. Did he think we were meeting at the dance? I sent him a couple of texts but got no response. Meanwhile, everyone else was pairing off, both their mom and dad there to take photos of them. My mom, the only parent without a spouse, and me, the only kid without a date.

Senior year, Finn dropped out of debate, and the junior I was paired up with in his absence was woefully inferior. We didn’t even make it past regionals. And somewhere in that time frame, Sybil became best friends with Finn. To this day I have no idea how it happened. As the madness of senior year set in, I distanced myself even further from Sybil. If she was going to hang with Finn after what he did to me, then maybe she wasn’t as good a friend as I thought she was.

The whole plot of this book hinges on Sybil. Yeah there may have been some zanny actions if she stayed put at the resort for her wedding like she was supposed, and not run away 2 days before the ceremony, but Finn and Emma were forced into close proximity because of her. Anyways, based on both on her current actions and flashbacks I'm already put off by her. I get following your heart, but she's lowkey screaming shady and I don't trust her. Friends who let friends fade into the background so fast while still maintaining a strong public friendship with another just doesn't sit right with me. Just waiting for a severe Sybil truth bomb to be dropped.

We can’t go back and change the past. But my series of “almosts” with Finn Hughes still nags at my consciousness like a hangnail—it’s not going to kill me, but I can’t quite forget about it either. Maybe what I want from Finn is closure—to understand why things never worked out between us, even when there were times when it seemed like we were on the same page. When the spark between us was undeniable. But do I really want to know? No matter the missing details, it ultimately comes down to this: he just didn’t care about me the same way I cared about him.

The "almosts" really are silent killers. They give you serious delusions while causing the worst type of emotional turmoil.

My heart sank. “Forget it.” I untangled myself from Finn and exhaled. “I shouldn’t have expected this to mean anything to you.” I splashed out of the pool before I could change my mind and wrapped myself in my towel. “Hey. Emma. Sorry. I… I took it too far.” Now I had to struggle to hold back the flood of humiliation. “No, no, don’t worry about it, it’s all good! It meant nothing. Just a little stupid drunk moment.” I forced myself to try to laugh. But the look in Finn’s eyes was completely sober. “I’ve been a wreck this past year. Like I said, I haven’t been making the best decisions in the world…” He was making it worse. Now, kissing me not only meant nothing, it was also a bad decision. A grief-induced mistake.

I get teenage boys are boneheads and that Finn has been through it in the past year due to father. Messing with a girl's head is never okay though. It's clear to us readers that Finn feels something for Emma, but it's really not fair to her that she's gotta take hits to her self-esteem while he's still figuring his own head out.

Sybil makes me feel like there’s nothing wrong with me, like I’m loved and included no matter what. She makes me feel safe enough to take leaps I never would have otherwise. And I keep Sybil grounded. That’s been the unspoken rule of our friendship for nearly two decades, and I’m not about to break it now. Also, I need to know why Sybil ran—and I need to make it right. Why doesn’t she feel like she’s good enough for Jamie? It’s something that’s been bothering me all day, at the back of my mind. How small her voice sounded last night. What could make her feel that small? Certainly not Jamie himself. So what, then?

I got two things to get off my mind about Sybil. One, I have a theory that she's possibly a lesbian...if not a little bi. Because multiple boyfriends I get. But multiple engagements that she broke off, when engagements are the next highest commitment right before marriage itself, screams that an underlying reason that's not at all being addressed. Two, she's giving the vibes of a toxic friend that flies super under the radar. Meaning on the surface she seems like the friend that'll be there for you through thick and thin. However, it's really the validation she gives you after you help her that really makes the friendship last. AKA she's not doing anything truly meaningful on her end.

But the nice thing about wishes is they’re also secrets.” He kisses his coin as he turns his back to the fountain and, after a second, tosses it over his head and into the water. I take a moment to think about my wish. My real wish. What is it I want, just for me? More success at work? For Liz to find a real job so I can stop sending her a third of my paycheck every month? To find someone who loves me for all my quirks, just like Sybil has found in Jamie? To not feel so secretly worn out all the time, like I’m chasing something invisible that I’ll never catch? Why is this so hard? “Come on, Emma. I didn’t ask you to solve a calculus problem. It was just meant to be fun,” Finn says. And that’s when the wish hits me. I just want someone to take care of me the way I take care of everyone else. With that, I kiss my coin and toss it toward the fountain, watching it sink swiftly to the bottom, where it quickly gets lost among the piles and piles of change on the slimy bottom.

LIKE ANY WOMAN, I believe all my friends are beautiful. Sybil in the way of a fairy princess. Willow has the tousled hair and je ne sais quoi of a French film star. But Nikki is beautiful like the Fourth of July: summery, sweet, and a little bit of a firecracker. Her smile invites everyone in and tells them to pull up a lawn chair and grab a lemonade. It’s why they picked her from piles and piles of applicants to be on LovedBy. But she worked her way into the hearts of millions of viewers because she really is all those things. At least she was until Aaron. Since their breakup, she’s guarded in ways she never was before, and she’s started arming herself with perfection.

Is Nikki a self-insert character for Hannah Brown? Because like Hannah, Nikki went on a reality tv show, got publicly heartbroken, became a fan favorite, but is still unfortunately unlucky when it comes to love. While reading this book, I discovered there's a next installment that has Sybil in the title. AKA there is gonna be a series focusing on these characters and I have a really strong feeling that last book will focus on Nikki, as Hannah's self insert character, as it'll wrap up her story of being a reality tv star that found love outside it. In real life.

“So he’s your BOAT.” “My what?” “Best of all time,” she said with the slow seriousness of someone very drunk. “Don’t you mean GOAT?” “Who wants a goat when you could have a boat?”

Jamie puts his phone on speaker, and we gather around to listen as Sybil’s slightly tipsy voice spills out. “I love you so much, Jamie. Like, soooo much. You’re too good for me. You’re perfect. I’m so sorry I missed the welcome party. I’ll—I’ll talk to you soon.” The line goes dead. I hadn’t allowed myself to imagine the worst, but it must have been there in the back of my mind, because a wave of relief crashes through me. Sybil is alive and okay as of this evening. “I’ve tried calling her back,” Jamie says, “but it’s gone through to voicemail each time.” He tucks the phone back in his pocket.

This voicemail makes me believe even more in my theory that Sybil isn't 100% into the male species.

As the tracking app loads, I pray that Sybil’s little blue dot is headed toward Caesars Palace… and Jamie. But I have to zoom out three times to find her. And when I do, my stomach does an unpleasant flip. Sybil is no longer in Vegas. And she hasn’t just left the city. She’s left the whole frickin’ state. “Oh shit,” Finn says, peering over my shoulder at the map. “Yeah, no kidding.” “It looks like she’s headed to Albuquerque.” “Albuquerque?” Nikki repeats. The anxiety that I’ve kept at bay through most of the evening curls around my chest. “How do you know?” I ask Finn. “Call it a hunch,” Finn says cryptically.

Sybil is just screaming toxic through everything she's doing. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being a runaway bride. But at least leave a note. If not for the man you no longer want as your life partner, then at least for your friends and family. You have to be super selfish to off and disappear without letting a single soul know your whereabouts. Or at least let them know that you are of sound mind.

“Parents have to love their kids. Kids get to choose if they love their parents.” He closes his eyes, and then, almost as if he’s talking to himself, he says, “But I don’t think romantic love always works like that. Sometimes, it’s just… inevitable.” For some reason, this thought makes it hard for me to swallow. I reach for the tequila bottle just as Finn reaches out for it… and slips his hand around mine. “But don’t you think we can choose who we love and who we don’t?” I wait for him to let go of my hand, but he doesn’t. “I guess I just don’t think we have as much control over our feelings as we’d like to believe.” “I disagree. You always have a say. No matter how tempting it may be, you can choose not to make the mistake of letting yourself love someone.” “I challenge your stance.” He looks into my eyes. His face is serious, but his eyes are sparkling with something like laughter… or maybe it’s something else. I smile—I’m enjoying the references to our debate days. It feels right to accept the challenge. Natural. “Oh yeah?” “Yeah.” “So what’s your counterargument?” Now he’s grinning, definitely. “Sometimes, Emma, making the mistake is the best part about love.”

“Why was last night a onetime thing?” Taking a long pull from my too-sweet coffee, I say, “It’s not a big deal. Just two people getting something out of their system, right?” His eyes don’t leave my face. “And am I out of your system now?” His voice thrums through me, and I have to look away. I make the mistake of looking out the window at the hood of the Singer, and the memory of this morning comes flooding back to me. I can still smell Finn on my skin. I feel myself blushing. No. I don’t know that I’ll ever get Finn out of my system. “Yes,” I lie. Something vanishes from his eyes. Something like hope. “All right then.”

Okay so I get boys being softhearted romantics is a thing in books. Buuuuut I will say that Finn is getting on my nerves. It's obvious to us readers that he's letting Emma set the pace for whatever tf they're doing...because we're viewing this as outsiders. Objectively. I swear the second Emma pulls back, in all the flashbacks so far, and in the present moment, Finn shuts down too. And I get being emotionally vulnerable is hard, but it gets on my nerves when treats Emma some type of way for basically the same thing that he's doing to her.

“Does she know you text me every day?” Guilt flashed across his face. “Emma, you’ve always been one of my best friends—I was glad that we were reconnecting. But I told you I wanted to try to make it work with Pilar. I thought you understood.” “You are so full of shit,” I hissed. “What happened to ‘I would never hurt you without a good reason’? Or ‘I’m sorry for playing games’?” It felt good to throw Finn’s words from that night on the roof back in his face. But right then an avalanche of reality crashed over me. The texts I’d spent months poring over hadn’t been I want to work it out with you. It had been I want to work it out with Pilar.

Touched on it already, but there is no part of me that believes Finn doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. That he doesn't know the pain and hurt he just caused Emma. Calling BS on the shock he's feeling from Emma finding out he's still with Pilar. You don't send those kinds of texts without knowing wtf you're intentions are!!

My voice is low with anger. “Mom wanted to work it out, and you still left. What the fuck is wrong with you?” It’s a nuclear response, but I can’t believe he was so self-centered. “I was never a good husband—” Dad starts to give another excuse. “You were a good dad!” The words leave my mouth in a hiss. “Your kids didn’t just disappear when you crossed the state line. We were still there. We still needed a father. You abandoned us.” My tone finally seems to register with him, but he doesn’t look over at me. I don’t know what I expected from him. An apology? Some regrets? At the very least an acknowledgment of the pain he caused. But I’m getting none of those. He’s sitting there, just as silent as he was back in our kitchen all those years ago when Mom was pleading with him. His hands tighten on the steering wheel, and he keeps his eyes trained on the road. “It wasn’t working out. So, I made the decision for us. I removed myself from the situation. It seems like y’all came out okay without me.” He nods decisively as if the conversation is over. “I knew what was best for everyone.” A sick recognition twists in my stomach at his words. My anger shifts into something else. Shame. I knew what was best for everyone. We sit in silence for the rest of the drive home.

Fuck this angers me to no end. Literal definition of weaponized incompetence!! His literal logic is 'oh I can't work things out with my wife so I'm going to leave the entire responsibility, both financially and mentally, of our 2 kids and just peace the fuck out'. Don't care what he thinks about the situation. The fact that he can't even admit that he fucked up and made a mistake is so pathetic.

Finn takes my hand and pulls me closer to him. “I wanted to talk to you. I know you might have a few regrets about how—” Before he can continue, I put my fingers to his lips. Because the truth is, I don’t regret what happened with Finn two nights ago in the hammock (and on the hood of his car the next morning). I don’t regret what happened on my rooftop years back. Or really, any single moment between us—I’ve only ever wanted more of them. My only regrets are the things I didn’t say, mistakes I didn’t let myself make. I know now that all my bitterness and frustration with Finn over the years was compounded by other wounds—ones I’m only now realizing need healing. It wasn’t about prom, or a kiss in the pool, or a rooftop hookup, or an ex-girlfriend rearing her gorgeous head. It was about Finn and me—wanting to trust each other, but not fully trusting ourselves enough to go there. I can finally admit to myself that I love him. I’ve loved him for a long time, and even if he doesn’t love me back, I owe it to Finn to give him all the facts so he can make his own decision. I take a deep breath and look up at him, feeling the old nervous energy overtake me. I look up into Finn’s whiskey-brown eyes and pull my fingers from his lips, slipping my hands into his. “So, there’s something I need to tell you too.”

Very glad Emma is having internal growth and revelations about her feelings. Praying she holds Finn accountable for his actions though. Love can blind people and I just really hope she doesn't let him off the hook too easy. That he at least own up to how he hurt her and properly repent.

“Oh, and maybe you want your phone back, too, Sybs,” I add, handing it to her. “Thanks.” Sybil takes the phone and tucks it into a small beaded bag on the vanity, then crosses the room and perches beside Willow on the bed. “I can’t believe I left it in the back of the car. God, I’m such an airhead.” “You might have one or two missed calls from us,” I say, coming to join the two of them. “Or, like, six dozen,” Nikki adds. This gets a watery chuckle from Sybil. “I’m so sorry I scared you all, going off the grid like that. I just… I needed to figure some things out on my own.” “And… have you?” Willow asks tentatively. Sybil gives a nod, reaching out to squeeze Willow’s hand. “Yeah, I think I have.”

Yeah I'm officially frustrated Sybil. Sure her friends and family can forever her because she needed "personal time to figure things out". But 3 days?! Alone?! Without telling anyone anything before disappearing off the face of the Earth. I have no doubts that if she expressed she wanted some alone time as a bride, there wouldn't have been a soul in that wedding party that would have refused her. What she did was childish from that start. And it's frankly even more childish that she doesn't fess up to what she was doing/feeling after seeing exactly how concerned everyone had been for the past couple of days!!