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“Well, she didn’t immediately reject me so I’m taking that as a solid win,” I offered with a sigh. “She’s taking some time to think it over.” “Smart girl.” “Very smart,” I agreed with a nod. “Don’t break her heart, Gibs.” My own one hammered hard when I heard his quiet request. “I won’t.” “I mean it.” His brown eyes locked on mine. “If you’re serious about this, and I really fucking hope you are, then don’t let her down.” “I am serious,” I vowed, swallowing deeply. “And I won’t let her down, Hugh.”
“I’ll be waiting patiently, Claire-Bear.” “Okay.” A small smile tipped her lips upward, letting me know that she had caught on to the hidden meaning behind my words. “I promise not to keep you waiting too long.”
You actually kept a diary like a little girl!” Humor and cruelty filled his features, sending me on a spiral back to a time in my life I didn’t dare revisit. “Looks like, despite my best efforts, I didn’t make a man out of you.” “No, not me.” With trembling hands, I unfolded the note and held it up between us. “Her.” A wave of recognition flickered in his eyes, and he took a step closer. “Is that Caoimhe’s handwriting?” “It sure fucking is,” I spat out, shaking violently. “Think I don’t have proof now?”
YES
“Or what?” “Or I’m going to tell.” “Tell?” He tossed the word out like it was something laughable. “Christ, what age are you?” “I’m seventeen now,” I bit out. “But I was seven when you raped me.” “Don’t…” “I was seven years old when you first raped me!” I said louder, refusing to be silenced a second longer by my fear of this man. “I was eleven years old when you finally stopped!”
crying
I presumed our side was wining, but that was more of a “Johnny Kavanagh being on our team” thing than a “Claire Biggs concentrating” one.
“You’re right.” I stood up and nodded in confirmation. “That’s my man.”
“You can’t run onto the field, Biggs,” Coach argued, catching ahold of her shoulders. “We’re in the middle of the Schoolboys’ Shield, dammit.” “Omigod, rude much, Coach? It won’t take a minute.”
“See? I told you he was real. That’s Gerard,” Claire declared smugly, pointing a finger in my direction. “My boyfriend.”
“I’m in,” I heard myself tell her, and never in my life had I spoken more truth than I had in those two words. “I’m in, Claire Biggs.” “Good.” She smiled. “Me too.” And then she kissed me right there in the middle of the field, with the whole school watching. Holy fuck did she kiss me.
Ooh, and I had been given my very first red card from the referee, which I thought was kind of strange considering I had only kissed Gerard and hadn’t participated in any illegal tackling. Either way, it was so worth it.
I had a boyfriend. Yep, me. Better again, that boyfriend was Gerard.
“I really love you, girlfriend.” “Aw.” Practically melting on his lap, I leaned in and pressed a kiss to his lips. “I really love you, too, boyfriend.”
“I feel like I’m holding glass in my hands here, Claire.” He pulled back to look at me, body trembling worse than mine in this moment. “Of course, I’m nervous.”
“Are you okay?” I whispered, cupping his neck with my hand. He looked like he was in physical pain, as he clenched his eyes shut and moved inside me. “Gerard?” “Yeah.” Nodding, he kept his eyes closed. “Keep talking.” “Talking?” “Your voice.” He released a pained groan and buried his face in the curve of my neck, hips still thrusting. “I need to hear your voice.” “Why?” “Because I need to know it’s you touching me.”
so this is so sad
“I’ve told you before, there’s only you for me, Claire-Bear.”
“We’re not in the movies, Claire-Bear,” I choked out. “We’re in a tree house in your mam’s backyard in Ballylaggin.”
“Omigod, I killed you!” I wailed, throwing my hands up. “I killed you with my hymen!”
“What’s wrong?” Dad demanded, appearing on the patio. “Jesus, I could hear you screaming from the attic.” “I killed Gerard with my hymen, Daddy!” I wailed, throwing the bloodstained duvet at his feet. “Here’s the murder weapon for the Gardaí when they come to arrest me!”
“Well, that’s never going to happen,” Claire replied, giving my hand a reassuring squeeze. “Gerard and I are life partners. You can’t break us up.”
“You better hope your swimmers were contained, Gerard Gibson, because if you make us grandmothers before you both come of age, I’ll take you to the same vet as Brian and have you chemically castrated.”
Seven whole weeks had passed since Gerard’s ladder had taken its maiden voyage into my tree, and we were still going strong. Better than strong. We were titanium.
Not that I didn’t want to have babies with Gerard. I did. I just wanted those babies to arrive many years into the future.
“Lizzie would rather scalp herself bald and offer her hair as sacrifice to the devil before she helped me with my relationship.”
Aoife laughed, appearing from behind the curtain of the changing area in her dress. “Woo, I am rocking this MILF look,” she said, gazing at herself approvingly in the mirror, while adjusting her giant boobs. “I know ladies are supposed to be modest and all that jazz, but honestly, girls, if I was a cake, I’d eat myself.” Cackling to herself, she added, “And, let’s be honest, I am no lady.”
“Your brother puts the sex in life, period,” Aoife tossed over her shoulder. “My man is gifted, girls. He puts the D in BD energy.” I stared blankly. “BD?”
JOEYYYYYYY
“Come to Momma, pretty girl,” Aoife coaxed, gesturing for me to come closer. “Let me tell you how to seduce a man.”
“You honestly expect me to make peace with the brother of my sister’s rapist?”
HE WAS A VICTIM TO!!
“Hurt people hurt people,” Shannon offered. “I’m not excusing it, but please don’t vilify her for not using healthy ways to cope with her trauma.”
“The years are passing by for the rest of us, but she’s stuck in that moment.” Shrugging, she added, “Time can’t heal when it doesn’t pass by.”
Yes, she loved me, I knew that was true, but love didn’t have anything to do with someone’s ability to believe in monsters.
Because I loved her. Every part of me. With every bone in my body. Defective and all as I was. I couldn’t help it. It was instinctive. It was ever consuming. It was forever.
“Morning, Mr. Smiley Face,” Claire mumbled sleepily as she rolled onto her side and draped both her arm and leg over my body. “Mmm, my human radiator.” “Morning, Mrs. Smiley Face,”
“I’m thinking she’s going to get into a hell of a lot of trouble for going anywhere near my boyfriend!”
“I know what you did. I know all about your dirty little secret, and I think you’re sick.” My voice rose with my outrage. “You are sick in the head, lady!” “I think you need to leave.” “Oh, I’m not going anywhere until I speak to the principal.” Her face paled. “Yeah, that’s right,” I sneered, beyond furious. “Your ass is going to prison, Dee.”
“Either you resign from your post with immediate effect,” I snarled, breaking free from Gerard’s hold to swing my glare on her. “Or I’ll make sure that you’re behind bars by the end of the day.”
Tossing my phone on my nightstand, I reached a hand under my mattress to retrieve the familiar folded-up piece of paper, and then, like the masochist I was, I unfolded the page and reread Caoimhe Young’s suicide note. The real one. The one she left just for me.
SORRY WHAT?! GIBS YOU CAN'T HIDE THIS STUFF!
“You got me a Midas Touch rose?” His gray eyes locked on mine, and he offered me an uncertain shrug. “Andie Anderson yellow, right?” Swallowing down the lump in my throat, I forced myself to stand. “Right.” “You look beautiful, Claire-Bear.” “Thanks.”
“Okay.” I bit back a sob and steadied my breathing before whispering, “I thought you weren’t coming.” “And leave my baby hanging?” His tone was gentle and coaxing. “Not in this lifetime, sweetheart.” Taking my hand in his, he placed the corsage on my wrist. “You really do look beautiful.”
“Every time, Shannon like the river,” he purred, kissing her neck. “Every time, baby.” He pulled back to look at her and released a masculine growl of approval. “You take the breath clean out of me.”
“Do you want a tampon?” “Ew, no, I don’t put things in my tree.” “Tree?” “Oops. Forgot I wasn’t talking to Gerard.
“Caoimhe wasn’t the one who was raped!” Claire screamed at the top of her lungs, and I swear to god my heart stopped dead in my chest. “It wasn’t her, Lizzie! Mark didn’t rape your sister!” And then, she blew my world when she pointed a finger at me and screamed, “He raped my boyfriend!”
“Because I’m fine, Claire! Do you hear me? I’m okay, dammit. I am always okay, Claire!”
“I’m not your boyfriend, Claire Biggs, and I’m not your friend.”
NOOO GIBSIE NO DON'T DO THAT
“Don’t ever speak to me again, Lizzie Young,” I warned, and then, truly disappointed in myself, I walked away from one of my oldest friends in the world for the sake of another.
she deserves it
“I’m Johnny.” He held his hand out to me. “Johnny Kavanagh.” “Gerard Gibson,” I replied, accepting his handshake. “But everyone calls me Gibsie.”
“You want me to be your best friend?” He nodded again, and I could tell from just one interaction with him that he was sharp. This lad was nobody’s fool. He had clearly taken everyone’s measure and, for some strange reason, had decided that I was the best of a bad bunch. “So, what’s it going to be, Gibs?” “Yeah.” I smiled. “I’m in.”
“Gerard!” My walking heartbeat.
“She already loves you,” he strangled out. “We all love ya.” Sniffling, he pulled me closer and pressed a kiss to the top of my head. “You’re the best friend I’ve ever had, and I love the fucking bones of you, ya mad eejit.” He choked out a pained laugh. “And if you think this is going to chase me off, then you’ve another thing coming, fucker, because I’m never leaving you. Do ya hear me? Because you’re my Gibs.” “And you’re my Kav.”
“And by trusting that the boy beneath the broken can find his way out of the darkness. It’s not easy. It hurts like hell, and you’ll want to run for the hills at times. And he’ll push away to the point where you doubt your own sanity. But your ability to love him through it is what will make the difference. Because, at the end of the day, that’s all we can do, babe.” She sighed heavily. “Love these boys with our whole hearts, and hope and pray that they’ll pick themselves back up and show us that they’re worth the pain. That they’re worth fighting for.”
“But I’m with him, Hugh,” I whispered. “I’m all in with Gerard.”
