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There’s a gentle balancing act between the way I want to look and the way I need to look to be seen the way I need to be seen.
If you spend hundreds of hours with someone, you have a catalogue of tiny memories. As you live your life, those tiny memories snap and crackle your synapses. It can be overwhelming, like the world is already overlaid with experience.
When she returned, she would wait days to return my texts and, even then, would only send brief, vague replies. I eventually understood that she didn’t want to date me anymore. Message received. Or, more accurately, message not received.
Not true, but when given a choice I’d prefer to sound picky rather than pathetic.
Sometimes thinking about it helps. So go ahead and think about the endless Ways of untethering yourself and ending it. But please don’t abdicate. Please don’t put down Your ill-fitting crown. Please don’t renounce everything. Yes, being resilient exhausts us. And yes barbs and fists wound us. And yes the weight and wooze of days Is at times too much to weather. And yet. Enough of us already Barnacle the ocean floors And ghost the plateaus And cloud the skies. Even if it’s out of spite Even if it’s to say “fuck you” Please try to stay alive.
The joy of having known you is starting to paint over the pain of having lost you.
