The Last Days of Judas Iscariot: A Play

by Stephen Adly Guirgis

I wasn’t avoiding “God.” I was avoiding myself.

I do know that I am in continuous need of the Spiritual and that I usually go to great lengths to avoid it.

And though my heart keeps beating only to keep breaking—I do not question why.

“Now I understand why the sun comes up at day and the stars come out at night. I understand why rain falls gently. Now I understand you, Mother” …

The world tells me that God is in Heaven and that my son is in Hell. I tell the world the one true thing I know: If my son is in Hell, then there is no Heaven—because if my son sits in Hell, there is no God.

God’s Perfect Love versus God’s Rightful Justice equals what, Your Honor?

Your Honor, the only person who needs forgiveness is the one who doesn’t deserve it.

Judas, he succumb to despair. The music of God’s love and Grace kept playing, but he, he made himself hard of hearing—like

We shared an intimacy that I cannot put to words except to say we saw into each other’s hearts and were in love with what we found

“an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure”—the person who could have prevented this tragedy was Jesus, not Judas. He chose not to.

In a ministry based entirely on the virtues of Faith, He gave me proof. I had no Faith, and he gave it to me for free.

And if Human Despair is so powerful as to render God powerless over it, then what does that say about God?! It says one of two things, Mister Satan: Either God’s not All-Powerful and therefore useless—or—God’s Love is Conditional, which renders that Love false and Unworthy! Which one is it?!

And what I want you to trust is the efficacy of divine love if practiced consciously. And what I need you to believe is that if you hate who I love, you do not know me at all. And make no mistake, “Who I Love” is every last one. I am every last one.

If a thousand strangers spit on me and kick me as they pass, I will smile. But if the brother of my heart gives me only a passing hard look, then, Judas—I will not sleep that night, nor sleep—at all—till he will let me love him again.

I am who I am and not what you demand me to be.

Where’s your heart in all this, Judas? You think you were with me for any other reason than that?! It was your heart, Judas. You were all heart. You were my heart! Don’t you know that?!

You forgave Peter and bullshit Thomas—you knocked Paul of Tarsus off a horse—you raised Lazarus from the fuckin’ dead—but me? Me? Your “heart”? … What about me??!! What about me, Jesus?! Huh?! You just, you just—I made a mistake! And if that was wrong, then you should have told me! And if a broken heart wasn’t sufficient reason to hang, THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME THAT, TOO!

All I know is that you broke me unfixable—and that I’m here

I loved you. That’s all I did. And that’s the truth. And now I’m here.

JESUS: If you don’t love me, Judas—then you’re gonna have to look me in my eyes and say it. JUDAS: I don’t love you. JESUS: If you don’t love me, then why are you here? JUDAS: Go! JESUS: Judas! … Judas, don’t you know what would happen the very instant you got down on your knees? JUDAS: Why on my knees? They shoulda buried me standing up—’cuz I been on my knees my whole life! You left me.

JESUS: I’m right here. JUDAS: I would have never believed that you could have left me. JESUS: I never left you. JUDAS: That you didn’t love me. JESUS: I do love you.

JUDAS: Why … didn’t you make me good enough … so that you could’ve loved me?

JESUS: … Please take my hands, Judas. Please. JUDAS: Where are they? JESUS: Right here. JUDAS: I can’t see them. JESUS: They’re right here. JUDAS: Where are you going?! JESUS: I’m right here. JUDAS: Don’t leave me! JESUS: I’m here. JUDAS: I can’t hurt … JESUS: I love you, Judas. JUDAS: I can’t … JESUS: ...