Addicted for Now (Addicted #3)

by Krista Ritchie

And I will not cheat on Loren Hale. Not for anything.

“Lo,” she cries. “I think you should leave.” My chest falls. “I’m not going anywhere.”

God, I can’t believe I’m smiling after all that has happened. The fact that this girl can upturn my lips after such a bad day makes me never want to let her go.

AW

As Lily steps forward, she whips her head from side to side, paranoid that someone can see straight through her—that they can tell just how aroused she is. They can’t. But I sure as hell can.

“Want a ride?” She brightens almost immediately. I don’t wait for her to say yes. I crouch a little in front of her, and I lift her up on my back. She holds tight around my neck, and I keep my arms underneath her legs, willing to carry her as far as she needs to go—just like when we were kids. Some things never change.

they're so cute

For not holding her in my arms and telling her that I truly loved her. That I would be enough, and I’d quit drinking so she’d quit fucking other guys. That’s all I had to do. Choose her before alcohol. And I picked wrong for so many years.

She was gone almost every night, and I worried about whether or not she’d wake up crying. Whether I’d find her bruised and disposed of. It was horrible.

“Because you love Lily more than that.” And it hits me. I’m here. In the fucking car. Debating about a stupid glass of alcohol when Lily is waiting for me upstairs, fighting her compulsions, probably seconds from touching herself. And I’m supposed to be there to help her say no. To stop her. I’m the guy looking out for her the way Ryke is there for me. Rose trusted that I would be able to stay sober and help Lily. And this is the one thing I want to do right.

“I don’t know how to live without you.” And I shake my head quickly as tears pool. “And I don’t want to know how. I don’t want to find out.” He is my breath. My soul. My life-force. I have spent forever with him. Being apart is the most unnatural feeling in the world. Three months—I could handle that like a bad itch. Forever without him? Just kill me now. He slowly walks to me, and his hand skims my cheek, his eyes never softening, his sharp demeanor never changing. He’s Loren Hale. Ice and whiskey. Powerful and intoxicating. He’s my very best friend. His forehead presses to mine, his lips so near. In a low whisper, he says, “You’ll never have to find out, Lil.”

AW

“I will never learn how to live without you. I couldn’t fucking bear it.”

“And what if everyone says we shouldn’t be together—that it’s not right?” Every person has to learn to live alone at some point in their life. Why do we? I always wonder. Because it’s right, my conscience says. But I love him. But you’re co-dependent. But I love him. But it’s not okay. I want our love to be right. Why can’t it be right? “No,” he immediately says, holding my face in two large hands. “If the whole world says living without each other is what we should do, then this will be the last wrong I make.” Yes. We connect to each other fully, his lips touching mine in passionate desperation, as though two people are literally trying to pull us apart, as though we’re giving them the middle finger, telling them to fuck off. Fuck off. I love Loren Hale. I can’t live without him. However silly that may be, it is the undying truth. Even if he was with another girl. Even if we never could touch. I could not live without Lo. He is as much a part of me as the sun is a part of the sky, as the Earth is to the universe. I need him in order to wake up in the morning. I need him to feel whole.

OMG

When Lo looks back down at me, his smile fades into dark concern. “Hey, Lil…” His thumb skims my cheek. “You’re okay.” He must recognize the fear in my eyes. “I won’t ever desert you, love. Not for a goddamn moment. You’re mine to take care of, you understand?” His words instantly fill my heart.

“Tell me the first thing that comes to your head,” he says. In an aching whisper, I say, “I love you.” His eyes graze me with sheer want. “How much do you love me?” “So much.”

“How good?” I shake my head. I can’t describe. “You’re unlike anyone…” He’s my best friend. My best friend is all the way inside of me. If I think back years ago, when I wouldn’t allow myself to even fantasize about this moment, I would have died and come right there.

He’s filling my every single need. He’s taking care of me. Only Lo can satisfy every part of my all-consuming soul. He is truly my everything.

I just wish I could take away Lily’s nerves.

I can’t help but smile. She’s cute, even when she doesn’t mean to be.

Even thinking about letting her go puts a pain so deep in my gut. No one knows me like Lily Calloway. She’s my best friend, and without her—God, what’s the point?

My leg jostles a little, and Lily is the one to press her hand to my knee, to give me much needed comfort, even though I’d rather be her rock right now.

Though I give her brief details, not wanting to focus the whole session on me. So I’m glad when Allison directs her next question to Lil.

Lily is weighing the truth with a lie. It’s what we do. We construct a pleasant story to mask the pain, to soften the hurt. We’re both so good at it that sometimes we even begin to believe the lies ourselves. I am terrified to travel down that road again, but it’s an easy one to take. She opens her mouth and then closes it, unsure. “It’s okay,” I prod. Even if the truth is ugly and cold, I want to hear it. I’m ready for us to lay everything out until we’re completely bare and exposed. I don’t know how else to make this work.

I don’t ever want to make her feel like that. “You’re not pathetic, Lil,” I manage to say, my throat swollen. I pull her into my arms and kiss the top of her head. I want to take her pain away, but the irony is that I’ve caused it.

It won’t be easy for her to just believe Dr. Banning’s advice. I have the same problem. Our brains are wired a little differently than everyone else. But I’m willing to ride out this rollercoaster with her—until we’re both free from misery.

Lily’s lips snap closed, so I take the opportunity to go first. For her.

Lily turns to face me, and I am lost for a minute in her eyes. I suddenly realize that I’m scared of everything. Of losing the only girl I’ve ever loved. Of having her secret voiced to the whole world and watching her disintegrate from the repercussions. She’s already so small and fragile, something like that would kill her, I think.

“No one else could ever give me what I want,” she breathes. “I only want you.” I hold onto the words, even if we both know they’re not completely true. She wants to fuck. She wants the high of a climax the same way I want to drown in a bottle of bourbon. I want the rush, the flush and the ride to purgatory and back. We are not each other’s first wants and needs. I am second to her. And she is second to me. I want that to change.

Lil keeps her eyes on me, and I give her an encouraging smile.

My mouth opens in surprise. I didn’t ever think she was worried about that. I didn’t even believe it could be an option. I love her beyond the great sex.

Whoever said that sticks and stones will break bones but words never hurt have obviously never been teased or insulted.

I’m more proud of him than he knows.

Being sober isn’t our only challenge. Becoming human, functioning people in this big vast world means making friendships and sustaining the very few that we already have. There is no college course to “be a better friend” or “be a less shitty human being.” Or else I would be signed up for both.

Lo sighs heavily. “You want to tell the stories?” he asks me. “I can if you’re not up to it.” But by his sharp jaw, I can tell he wants to share about as much as I do.

He would linger by my side, wanting to walk me to class.

“I’m hosting a pre-season bash at my place.” “That’s cute,” Lo said with a wry smile, “not many people throw parties to celebrate spring.” “The lacrosse season,” Aaron deadpanned, eyes cold. “The meteorologists are inventing new seasons now? That’s impressive.”

LMFAO

Aaron didn’t understand us. No one did.

He gave me those big pleading eyes, and I realized he was going to the party with or without me. So I just nodded.

Lo ran before they could touch him. He was good at that. Running away.

the bolter by taylor swift

Hatred is an animal you feed, and I imagined that after four years, Aaron’s became plump and bloated. The seemingly nice guy who invited me to a party my freshman year of prep school had turned cold and mean. At least towards me.

me. I was in the wrong, I get it, but my actions never gave him permission to terrorize Lily. For that, I just can’t forgive him.

Every motion is filled with beauty that she won’t ever understand. It makes me aware of how alive she is.

Her happiness is easy to bring, which I suppose is the problem, but I relish in sending her body into shockwaves and seeing her face lit up like the city.

Everything I ever wanted is right here in my arms.

But I always knew I’d eventually get her back in my arms. I vowed to be better than all her other conquests. To keep Lily Calloway meant that I’d have to be able to satiate her every need. So I practiced. I dated girls for a week or so, nothing too serious, but I made sure the sex was always about their desires, their pleasure, never mine. It helped figure out what would work for Lil—what sets off women the most. And I guess I just became good at it. So in most ways I succeeded.

omg

“Hey beautiful,” I say with a grin. He barely blinks. “Pants have been invented in this century.”

LMAO

Of course Rose told him about the list. She’ll take any lengths to make sure Lily stays on track in her recovery.

“Why are we dating?” “Because I asked you out and you said yes,” he tells her with a burgeoning smile. “And you’re madly in love with me.” “I never said such a thing.” He replies in French, and I can’t even process the words. She smacks his arm, and he whispers deeper in her ear, his arm spindling around her waist as he draws her to his chest. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Rose so flushed before.

I’ve never been so jealous of a damn pillow. But I let myself smile. A year ago it would have been another man in her arms. Oh, how far we’ve come.

My father, he has more power in his right pinky than I do in my whole body. And if this is what it takes to ensure Lily’s safety, then so be it.

As much as I hate to believe it, he is me—without Lily. Without Ryke or Connor. He’s my future if I drink again.

Then understand that I’m trying to protect the girl I love. And I’d do anything to accomplish it. So if you don’t fucking sign something that says you won’t open your goddamn mouth, then I’m gone.”