Addicted for Now (Addicted #3)

by Krista Ritchie

He hasn’t lost that look in his eye—the one that seems to kiss my soul and trap me altogether.

He’s a lifeline I cannot quantify or articulate. I depend on him more than any girl should depend on a boy, but he’s been the backbone of my life. Without him, I will fall.

and no one in this fucking universe will be able to say your name without saying mine.”

In all our life, he has never once said to me, you are mine. He has never taken me the way I’ve taken him. He has given himself to me. And I realize, it’s my time to make this right and give myself to him.

“You’re getting too smart.” He grins. “When it comes to you, I am.” He kisses the outside of my lips. I love and hate when he does that. “Just so you know,” he whispers, “I’d love nothing more than to fill you again. I’d do it a million times a day if I could.” “I know,” I murmur.

“I’m just glad you’re home.” I have Lo back. That’s all that should matter right now. Not a round two or a three, but just him present, on the road to being healthy, and in love with me. That’s all I should need.

But I’m not surprised Ryke parked on the curb and followed me up the hill. He likes to do that—tag along and make sure I’m not about to self-destruct. That’s usually Lily’s job, and I’d choose her over him any day of the week.

What I did to him back in prep school was fucked up, but our rivalry should have never included Lily. And he shouldn’t be tormenting her now.

I don’t like to think about any other guy pleasing Lily. Not before we became a real couple. And definitely not after.

No one was in my corner. I wouldn’t let Lily be involved, and if she was, it was guys like Aaron that deviously pulled her in, knowing she was my best friend. They’d fuck with her just to reach me. And that’s not happening.

Lily, however, fucks once and then moves on. And after a long, long struggle, I have finally become her only exception.

I just know that his family is his weak spot the same way Lily is mine.

hers. If that were true, she wouldn’t still be with me. I wouldn’t be able to satisfy her for so long.

Okay, so I’m being irrational. What else is new?

real

But Connor rubs his lips to keep from smiling further. And when Connor smiles at my sister, I instantly straighten up and lean forward like two orbiting stars are about to touch and kiss. I want to be present when they do.

She gives me a look like why am I with him again? I smile and really want to say: Because you’re two nerd stars, orbiting and meant to kiss.

How, right before you go to sleep, your mind springs awake. My thoughts flood all at once. Between the threatening texts and my barely passing grades in Princeton, I’m overflowing with anxiety.

“Who do you trust more, me or you?” I ask. “You.” She doesn’t even hesitate.

This is why I love her—why I relish in the fact that I’m going to wake up next to her, my arms wrapped around her delicate body. She’s fucking adorable.

I love them both. I press my lips to her ear. “I love you.”

When I know she’s safely in slumber’s hold, I allow myself the same luxury.

I have a girl waiting for me at home. I check my watch. Yeah, she should be back from class right about now. I’d rather be there than here. I’d rather be holding her in my arms, even if I have to tell her no by the end of it. She’s the only good thing in my life.

I check my watch subconsciously. “She’s fine,” Ryke assures me. “Look, you can pretend to know everything about me, but you can’t understand Lily the way I do.” I’ve watched her cry and shake in a bathroom because she craved sex—because she couldn’t have it. And she wouldn’t turn to me for help back then. Now that we’re together, I should have the power to take her pain away. But I don’t. Because she’s trying to control these impulses. And so I’m back where I started, watching her shake, watching her eyes grow big and wide, pleading for something more. And I have to deny her that pleasure. Over and over. “You forget that I was here while you were in rehab,” Ryke says. “I’ve seen her at a low.” No, I never forget that. “Great.”

I’m trying to give Lily more space. I’m making a conscious effort to change our co-dependent relationship. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t fucking suck.

But I remember Lily, and I immediately tell myself no. No alcohol. Ever. One memory has kept me grounded for a while, deaf to any compelling arguments from the devil on my shoulder. It’s what stopped me from heading into that bar yesterday.

Ryke and Connor stopped the guy when that should have been me. My whole life, I had one fucking job. Protect Lily. Make sure her addiction doesn’t get the better of her. Make sure she doesn’t get hurt. She did the same for me. And I failed her. Somewhere down the line, I fucked up. Never again.

Ryke wants more. Everyone wants more. But I feel like I’m giving everything I have.

Getting healthy and making amends is almost as big a time bandit as wallowing in my addiction.

Connor would know how to make studying fun.

book. I’ve known Sebastian since I was ten, but I spent more time at the Hale residence than my own, so know is really up for debate.

“To pass the class, you have to make A’s on the last two tests and the final. I’m not a miracle worker.” “Connor Cobalt is,” I mutter under my breath.

Disappointment can cripple me.

defensive of a couple that I find destined and beautiful. They belong together the way books fit in a library. When I needed help, they both dedicated hours to researching sex addiction. Connor even escorted Rose to therapists, and they pretended to be Lo and me to find a perfect one. Who would do that, other than people who love me and people who love each other?

OMG AW

My only hope lies in Connor. He’ll have to foil Sebastian’s plans. He’ll have to prove to Rose that he’s the best man for her. I can’t warn him, but if I had to put money on a match between these two, I’d always bet on Connor Cobalt.

lily is the #1 connor stan fr

I just never wanted to believe that Lily would be the one destroyed because of me. So I text, Don’t go after her. You can do whatever the hell you want to me. Just leave her out of this. And I hesitate before I press send. I’m sniveling. I’m giving this guy exactly what he needs. Ammunition to use against me. My father would never show him weakness like this.

lily is his weakness omg

She shoots me the signature Rose Calloway glare—the one that looks like she’s two seconds from eating your soul. I glower back, but internally, I want to run the fuck away. I don’t know how Connor smiles when she looks at him like that. She’s not bluffing. I bet she eats the hearts of every womanizer for the hell of it.

she's so iconic

I ask like she’s gone insane. I think there may be a screw loose in all of the Calloway girls. Well, maybe except Daisy. She seems pretty normal.

LMFAO

She seems to relax, which makes me relax.

“It’s my favorite brand.” Only Rose would have a favorite kind of crystal at twenty-two. But more than that, Connor knew exactly what she liked. That detail has to count for something. I’m not even that perceptive.

to be loved is to be known

Lily asks, her hand slipping in mine. She squeezes once, a sign that she’ll explain the Sebastian stuff later. I have to trust her.

they known each other so well

Lily told me that she’s Rose’s numero uno bitch—and she said it all with a flourish of pride, which I found pretty adorable.

she's so cute

“Artichoke and mushrooms?” she asks. He pulls out the second box and faces her. But he holds onto the pizza. “And feta.” Lily mouths to me, her favorite. He’s smooth. And Lily is grinning so hard, watching her sister and Connor reunite. Her whole face glows. Fuck it. I slide my arms around her waist, and I draw her to my chest, her warm body makes my cock throb. She lets out an audible sigh, but Connor and Rose are lost in their own intellectual world. Rose waits for Connor to pass the box, but he’s not going to let her have the pizza so easily. I sometimes forget that he’s willing to test her as much as she does him.

rose and connor challenge each other and i love it

He’s speaking to her in French. She answers back in the foreign language, fluent. He kisses her head, and then she spins around and kisses his lips, standing on the tips of her toes.

connor speaking in french so nobody can hear what him and rose are saying and to have a private moment infront of others omg

She drops to her feet, but Conner keeps his hand tangled in her hair, intoxicated by Rose’s commanding movements. She possesses him, but he’s equally as possessive of her, which I still find strange. I thought for sure Rose would devour any man she touched, but they have this symbiotic relationship instead of the parasitic one I share with Lily.

Connor stays completely impassive. But he holds Rose closer, as though silently saying I’m wrong. Clearly guys with insanely high IQs want to fuck her.

i love him

Rose looks ready to reignite their old argument, but Connor leans in and whispers into her ear again. French. Can’t understand a fucking word. She eases considerably.

The fog of my future is too thick to clear.

“Did anyone stay in their twenties after high school or did everyone just pass GO to collect a 401k and diapers?”

Missing him for three months has temporarily cured me. It was like my brain could only process one image: Loren Hale. All day, every day.

Oh…time really does fly when you’re stuck inside your head.

maladaptive dreaming