That's Not What I Meant!: How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships

by Deborah Tannen

As the conversation proceeded, each one kept hearing the other say things that were surprising and odd because Claire assumed that Ross was calling from his own home, and he assumed that he was calling from John’s. He forgot to state where he was, and she didn’t think of asking because she assumed she knew. Neither one came out and said, “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?” They kept dismissing the oddness or devising interpretations for it until Claire heard something she couldn’t interpret at all: Twenty-two twenty-two Regent Street. Since we are all walking through life on an individual path, there are many times when information assumed by one is unimagined by the other. If the assumptions turn out not to be shared, we may later be blamed—and blame ourselves—for not having stated them. The right to remain silent is of no use in conversation. But it is neither natural nor possible to state all the assumptions underlying everything we say. And when problems arise, we often can’t trace them back to the specific conversations, let alone the assumptions underlying them, that led us astray.