That's Not What I Meant!: How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships

by Deborah Tannen

Why don’t we just say what we mean—directly? We’ve seen that it’s more satisfying to communicate indirectly; it would be boring simply to say what we mean, and we’d lose the metamessage of rapport. It’s useful to cover ourselves by not going on record with what we think. But even if we wanted to be direct, we couldn’t, for the following reasons: First, deciding to tell the truth leaves open the question, which of the infinite aspects of the truth to tell. Second, being direct isn’t enough because countless assumptions underlie anything we say or hear. We don’t think of stating them precisely because they are assumptions. Third, stating just what we mean would often be hurtful to others. And finally, differing styles make honesty opaque. Saying what we mean in our natural style conveys something different to those whose styles differ. Attempts to get others to communicate in a way that seems natural to us will seem manipulative to them—and won’t work. Let’s look at examples of why we can’t say what we mean.