That's Not What I Meant!: How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships

by Deborah Tannen

The Art of Ritual Complaining Another conversational device is complaining, and it too can be used in different ways. Jane and Sharon were talking about their mothers’ holiday visits. Jane told Sharon that hers had been a bit trying because her mother complained a lot and made comments that were critical of Jane. Sharon told Jane that hers had been terrific; her mother was always optimistic, and even if she said things that could be seen as offensive, Sharon didn’t take offense because she knew her mother meant well. Jane began to feel uncomfortable. She regretted talking against her mother and wanted to take it all back. Her mother also meant well and furthermore she was warm and youthful and generous! Jane’s discomfort arose because Sharon didn’t respond to her complaint the way she expected—with a matching complaint, sending the metamessage “You’re not alone; your mother is just a typical mother; I’m in the same boat.” Instead, the metamessage Jane heard was “You’ve really got a rotten mother, you poor thing. Mine is much better.” That made Jane want to retort, “She is not. Mine’s better!”

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