Read between December 07 - December 10, 2017
Of all the problems in organizations, self-deception is the most common, and the most damaging.”
What we’ll know and respond to is how that person is regarding us when doing those things.”
“Notice that some people — like Lou, for example — inspire devotion and commitment in others, even when they’re interpersonally clumsy,”
people skills are never primary.
“Remember, I have the same problem that you have.”
no matter what we’re doing on the outside, people respond primarily to how we’re feeling about them on the inside.
I’m being one of two fundamental ways when I’m doing it. Either I’m seeing others straightforwardly as they are—as people like me who have needs and desires as legitimate as my own—or I’m not.
One way, I experience myself as a person among people. The other way, I experience myself as the person among objects.
“It’s not important what I think. What’s important is what you think.”
Remember, people primarily respond not to what we do but to how we’re being — whether we’re in or out of the box toward them.”
The distinction isn’t the behavior. It’s the way I’m being when I am doing whatever I’m doing—be it soft or hard.
We can be hard and invite productivity and commitment, or we can be hard and invite resistance and ill will. The choice isn’t to be hard or not, it’s to be in the box or not.”
The truth is, her faults seemed relevant to whether I should help her only after I failed to help her. I focused on and inflated her faults when I needed to feel justified for mine.
“Self-betrayal” 1. An act contrary to what I feel I should do for another is called an act of “self-betrayal.” 2. When I betray myself, I begin to see the world in a way that justifies my self-betrayal. 3. When I see the world in a self-justifying way, my view of reality becomes distorted.
Over time, as we betray ourselves, we come to see ourselves in various self-justifying ways. We end up carrying these self-justifying images with us into new situations, and to the extent that we do, we enter new situations already in the box.
“For example, certainly it’s good to think of others, but who am I thinking of when I’m thinking of myself as the sort of person who thinks of others?”
Amazingly, I felt hope in the moment I discovered I had a problem.
And the problem isn’t merely that the box makes me ineffective, it’s that it makes me destructive.
“What I need most when I’m in the box is to feel justified.
And that is, when I’m in the box, I need people to cause trouble for me — I actually need problems.”
when two or more people are in their boxes toward each other, mutually betraying themselves, we often call it ‘collusion.’ And when we’re in collusion, we actually collude in condemning ourselves to ongoing mutual mistreatment!”
Whether at home or at work, boxes want to spread in order to gather additional justification.
Out of the box, my what-focus at work is results. In the box, by contrast, my what-focus is justification.
Because when I’m blaming them, I’m not doing it because they need to improve; I’m blaming them because their shortcomings justify my failure to improve.
Self-betrayal is the germ that creates the disease of self-deception.
you can’t get out by continuing to focus on yourself—which is what you do when you try to change your behavior in the box.
In the box, I’m actively resisting what the humanity of others calls me to do for them.
I can be both in and out of the box at the same time. In the box toward some people and out toward others.
they supplied for you an out-of-the box environment from which you were able to consider your in-the-box relationships with new clarity.
The more we can find our way to the out-of-the-box vantage points within us, the more readily we will be able to shine light on the in-the-box justifications we are carrying.
The leaders that people choose to follow are the leaders who are out of the box.
Merely knowing the material doesn’t get you out of the box. Living it does. And we’re not living it if we’re using it to diagnose others. Rather, we’re living it when we’re using it to learn how we can be more helpful to others—
Knowing the material Self-betrayal leads to self-deception and “the box.” When you’re in the box, you can’t focus on results. Your influence and success will depend on being out of the box. You get out of the box as you cease resisting other people. Living the material Don’t try to be perfect. Do try to be better. Don’t use the vocabulary—“the box,” and so on—with people who don’t already know it. Do use the principles in your own life. Don’t look for others’ boxes. Do look for your own. Don’t accuse others of being in the box. Do try to stay out of the box yourself. Don’t give up on yourself ...more