These two combine to produce in you the anxiety and darkness and helplessness which make lucid and particular acts at once so hard and so futile.
Here i asked myself: "and what is the point, the purpose, of all this?" and realized that this is precisely the wrong question (or the right one as it helped me see my problem). There is no purpose besides God. There is no motivation besides knowing god. We do no engage in meditation or contemplation because it makes us better or because we ge peace. The ONLY goal is god. Any "result" is mere happenstance - a great coincidence of being near to and one with Love godself.
