Why Men Hate Going to Church

by David Murrow

Robert Lewis’s approach to teaching men is simple: “You don’t teach the Bible first. You teach real life issues first; then you bring the Bible in to surprise them. Most men’s ministries fail because they are Bible studies. I always start with the practical and bring the Bible in on the back end.”4 Lewis sums up his approach this way: give men what they need, disguised as what they want. Wasn’t this Jesus’ method? The woman at the well wanted a drink, but she needed abundant life. Jesus offered her living water. He framed the gospel to reflect her desire.

The Bible says of Jesus: “the people were astonished at His teaching.”5 When was the last time you were astonished in church? Men need to be amazed by God, but our liturgies and rituals have made him utterly predictable. No wonder men find church so boring. My advice: when teaching men, do the unexpected. Break something. Pretend something’s going wrong. Do a card trick. Take them outside. Light something on fire (besides a candle). Challenge a cherished assumption. Arrange for a critic to stand up and argue with you—right in the middle of the sermon. Get off the stage and wander the aisles while you preach. Astonish men, and watch them lock in.

Generally speaking, the more frank and hard-hitting the teaching, the more men like it—as long as it doesn’t stray into condemnation or moralism.

Jesus’ teaching was so electric because it challenged the status quo. One of his favorite phrases was, “You’ve heard that it was said . . . but I say to you . . .” Speaking personally, there’s nothing better than a lesson that challenges my assumptions and spurs me to action. And there’s nothing worse than a pabulum sermon of familiar truths I’ve heard a thousand times.

Leaven your lessons with stories and metaphors that men can relate to. Analogies from sports, battle, business, and survival capture men’s hearts. So does the language of death and sacrifice.

So simple, yet so critical. Sometimes things go long in church. What should you do? Cut a song on the fly. Cut a point from your sermon. It’s usually more important to honor men’s time than it is to “get it all in.” Some churches have no established service length, preferring to “give the Holy Spirit as much time as he needs.” That may sound spiritual, but churches with wildly varying service length often have a shortage of men. Start and end on time, and your men will be confident to invite their friends.

Men process truth through argumentation and give-and-take. But in the church we strain toward niceness. We are uncomfortable with conflict. We’ve adopted an eleventh commandment: if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Is this Christlikeness or cowardice? Jesus was so bold in his arguments with the Pharisees that they often left wanting to kill him. Christ’s fiery words embarrassed his own disciples. Even Jesus’ friends were burned by his flamethrower tongue.8 The next time you’re teaching men, ask provocative questions. Stir the pot. Set two rules: (1) nothing’s off-limits, and (2) we all walk out of here friends.

One evening, as Lincoln and a companion left the church to return to the White House, the companion asked, “What did you think of tonight’s sermon?” Lincoln answered, “It was brilliantly conceived, relevant, and well presented.” “So it was a great sermon,” the companion said. “No, it failed,” Lincoln replied. “It failed because Dr. Gurley did not ask anything great of us.”

Why do men love this movie? It’s a reflection of the big story that’s written on the heart of every man. Want to know a secret? Every man longs for a hero—and to be one himself. Want to know another secret? This big story is simply a retelling of the Gospels.

So who’s actually sitting in church, getting the mission briefing? For the most part, it’s women, children, and elderly men. Where are the action-oriented guys? They’re out doing action-oriented things. Or they’re sitting in the dark, eating popcorn, watching a Jesus stand-in save the world against impossible odds.

So how do we get high-powered risk takers to come to church? How can you encourage men to become the heroes God wants them to be? How can we train young Spider-Men in the making? We have to get the big story right. The gospel is about a courageous man whose mission is to save the world—a man who is currently recruiting agents to assist him in this work. But during the twentieth century, the big story changed in our churches.

In chapter 12, I pointed out a phrase that is never mentioned in the Bible, yet somehow has become the number one way evangelicals describe discipleship. The phrase is, a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. When Christ called disciples, he did not say, “Come, have a personal relationship with me.” No, he simply said, “Follow me.” Hear the difference? Follow me suggests a mission. A goal. But a personal relationship with Jesus suggests we’re headed to Starbucks for some couple time. This subtle change in how we describe the gospel is one of the reasons our message becomes garbled on its way to the masculine soul. Presenting the gospel as a relationship does not point a man toward the big story that’s written on his heart.

If you haven’t seen where I’m going yet, let me connect the dots. Men’s movies: a hero saves the world against impossible odds. Women’s movies: a woman finds a happy relationship with a wonderful man. In today’s church, the gospel is no longer about saving the world against impossible odds. It’s about finding a happy relationship with a wonderful man. If the point of going to church is to pursue a relationship, you will draw more women than men. The End. Roll credits.

This point is so important I must say it again: if we’re going to transform men from passive pew-sitters into battle-ready warriors, we must get the big story right. The gospel is the story of a courageous man who is out to save the world against impossible odds. And he is recruiting agents to join him. He is calling you to risk everything to come under his command. And when the mission is over, a precious reward awaits. That’s the message men crave. It’s a message that’s lost in today’s therapeutic church.

We would be wise to promise more risk to men in church. Do me a favor. Put this book down, grab your Bible, and read Matthew 10:16–30. This is where Jesus presents his mission briefing to the disciples. Go ahead and read it. I’ll wait. Okay. What did you think? Christ obviously flunked Church Recruiting 101.

Why would Christ psych out his own team right before kickoff? Jesus knew men. There’s a certain type of man who will not give his all unless he sees danger on the horizon. But our churches are such safe, predictable places, this kind of man does not invest himself. Instead, he takes his risks elsewhere, devoting his best efforts to building earthly kingdoms.

Antarctic explorer Ernest Shackleton was looking for this kind of man when he posted this advertisement in 1913: Men wanted for hazardous journey. Small wages. Bitter cold. Long months of complete darkness. Constant danger. Safe return doubtful. Honour and recognition in case of success. More than five thousand men applied for twenty-six slots. Precisely the kind of men who are missing in today’s church.

If we want men who will penetrate the culture with the gospel, we must do what Jesus did and promise suffering, trial, and pain. But today’s Christianity is marketed like Tylenol: it’s the antidote to suffering, trial, and pain. We’ve turned Jesus’ approach on its head.

Look at how Jesus handled a similar encounter: “Along the way someone said to Jesus, ‘I’ll go anywhere with you!’”1 And what did Jesus say? “Welcome, my good man. It’s so nice to have you in our group. Bartholomew has a new disciple packet and a coffee mug for you.” Not. Here’s how Christ actually addressed the potential recruit: “Foxes have dens, and birds have nests, but the Son of Man doesn’t have a place to call his own.”2 Modern translation: Follow me, and you’ll be homeless the rest of your life. In the next four verses Jesus rebuked two other would-be followers, one for wanting to say good-bye to his family, and one for wanting to bury his father. How insensitive.

Yet Christ knew what we have forgotten: a man who is challenged into God’s kingdom will be a follower forever.

Jesus never begged anyone to follow him. He never waited for anyone, never sang one more verse while people decided whether to follow. He commanded, “Follow me” and kept going. Those who immediately dropped everything became his disciples; those who hesitated were left behind. Yet week after week, especially in evangelical churches, we beg men to be saved. Problem is, the call to be saved is so familiar, men see no value in it. Don’t misunderstand me: it’s vital that we call men to follow Jesus. Men need salvation. But instead of pleading, what if our approach was: “Do you have what it takes to follow Christ? Many say they do, but fewer than one in four will remain loyal. Are you one of the few, or when trials come, will you crumble?”3 What if we stopped begging men to be saved and started challenging them to follow Jesus Christ?

Reward. Reward. Reward. Jesus knows men. And men respond to the promise of reward. This desire is not sin; it’s the way God made us.

Jesus did not shy away from the promise of reward. He did not worry that he might appeal to the flesh. He showed us that it’s perfectly healthy to motivate men by helping them understand the rewards they accumulate when they serve the kingdom of God.

Please keep in mind: we are not Jesus. We cannot promise a man a heavenly mansion with an ocean view if he’ll volunteer in Sunday school this weekend. Nor do I endorse the manipulative way some televangelists promise reward to those who send money. Just because some have abused the promise of reward, we cannot ignore it. Risk and reward go hand in hand throughout the New Testament. When we refuse to point men toward eternal rewards, we reject a motivational tool Christ used repeatedly.

Truth is, the gospel is equal parts demanding mission and personal relationship. But these days we stress the relationship, because we need women to keep the ministry machine going. When we present the gospel as if it’s a chick flick, is it any wonder more women stick around to see the movie?

Here is an ironclad rule of the genders: Women are fascinated by the things of men. But men are repelled by the things of women.

This one-way barrier exists at all levels of society. For example, we have tomboys, but no tomgirls. Women are flooding into male-dominated careers, but men don’t even try for so-called women’s jobs—even those that pay well. For example, almost half of the doctors in the United States are women, but only 6 percent of America’s nurses are men.1 So if a Christian organization presents the gospel in a masculine context, who will be attracted? Women. Men. Children. If it presents that same gospel in a feminine context, who will be attracted? Ladies. This is why churches that create a healthy masculine environment do not become heavily male. Women do masculine, but men don’t do feminine.

Women still wield the velvet veto today, and they often use it to drive the masculine spirit out of the church, without even realizing it.

LET MEN GATHER WITHOUT WOMEN AROUND One time I was coordinating a men’s service day at our church. The idea was to mobilize the men to prepare the building and grounds for an Alaska winter and to perform minor car repairs for people in need. The preparations were moving forward smoothly—until a woman named Nora approached me and said she felt discriminated against. Nora felt she had every right to serve alongside the men. She threatened to go to the elders and ask that the event be canceled if women were not allowed to volunteer. Did Nora have the right to participate? Absolutely. But I asked her to lay down that right, as a gift to the men. I pointed out that our church had a number of women-only opportunities, but this was the only men’s event of the year. Nora graciously gave up her crusade. The volunteer corps remained man-only and attracted a large crowd of guys, many of whom were the nonreligious husbands of churchgoing wives. I’m convinced the man-only designation helped swell our ranks, and it drew men on the fringe to serve.

If you are a strong-willed woman who compels her husband, brother, or adult son to go to church, I ask you to reconsider. Jesus never forced anyone to follow him. You may be driving your man away from God even as you drag him into the sanctuary. There is no benefit to having a man’s body in church if his heart is elsewhere.

Sam Keen observes, “It’s a lot easier to be a saint than to live with one.”3 If you are strictly religious but the men in your life are not, you may actually make Christianity more attractive by lightening up a bit. Ask a friend how you might be less religious and more real.

DO NOT BELITTLE MEN OR ACT SPIRITUALLY SUPERIOR Some women have noticed their spiritual superiority and lord it over men. One time I was attending a couples’ Bible study. The leader asked Eduardo to look up a passage in the book of Zephaniah. He searched for a minute or two and finally found Zechariah. In his confusion Eduardo read the wrong verse. His wife, Rita, reached over and grabbed the Bible with a dramatic sigh. She found the passage in about ten seconds and, with a look of triumph, handed the Bible back to her husband. Guess where Eduardo was next week? Not at Bible study; that’s for sure. I’ve also heard women ridicule and patronize men, saying things like, “You boys go off and have your little retreat; do your men’s thing out in the woods.” Questioning a man’s competence or manhood is not the way to draw him to Christ.

If you make the church a more comforting, nurturing place, where the top priority is making everyone feel loved and accepted, your church will stagnate.

Other religions recognize the tendency of young men to stray and have built elaborate rituals to keep them engaged. Asian Buddhists train every willing boy to become a novice monk. Jews welcome men through the bar mitzvah. Mormons send their young men on a two-year mission. And tribal religions subject adolescent boys to painful, frightening manhood initiations that most Westerners would condemn as abuse. And in Christianity we have . . . the confirmation class. Wow. That’ll have the boys lining up. Since the church is unwilling to initiate young men into manhood, they do it themselves.

Chuck Stecker once spoke to a woman who serves as a ministry leader in her local church, and he described her attitude: “With complete candor, she said that she would be willing to cancel every program in the church that did not relate directly to developing men into leaders. ‘In the long run,’ she said, ‘every other phase of ministry would be much stronger if the men in the church would develop into the leaders that God has called them to be.’”7 Here’s a mind bender: What if we canceled the children’s ministry and put that effort into building up the men of the church? I firmly believe that such an approach would, in the long run, win more youth to Christ. It would also save more marriages and produce happier women. Children’s ministry and youth ministry are good things—but spiritually healthy male role models are the best thing.

Men’s ministry expert Dan Schaeffer reminds us that women equate closeness with safety. Men equate personal space with safety.

Nothing in Scripture suggests that long prayers are better than short ones. The Bible recommends consistency and frequency, not length.

I’m going to step out on a limb. I believe the most important valuable spiritual discipline for today’s men is the discipline of friendship. This is not to diminish the importance of the Big Four. But the men who stay faithful to God are those who walk closely with other Christian men—not necessarily those who read the Scriptures day and night. (If this were the case, Jesus would have chosen Pharisees for his apostles.) I’ve devoted chapter 24 to this important topic.

ALL EYES WERE ON PASTOR KEITH, WHO HAD BEEN PROMISING FOR weeks to make an important announcement. “As of next month,” the pastor said, “we are canceling the nursery and Sunday school. We will no longer offer weddings, baptisms, baby showers, or funerals. We are dropping our choir and pulling out of our partnership with the soup kitchen. Instead, we’re going to minister in a new way. Our children’s ministry will be based on sports leagues. We will offer free automotive repairs to the working poor. We will provide carpentry, plumbing, and electrical upgrades to seniors’ homes. We will deploy our members as security ambassadors, walking the streets of high-crime neighborhoods. And our missions team will dig water wells in Honduras.” Women, how would you feel if your pastor made such an announcement? How well does this roster of ministries match your skills and gifts? Now you know how men feel.

You may be thinking, What do you mean, round holes? Men are welcome in every volunteer position. It’s a question not of welcome but of expertise. As we saw in chapter 11, most jobs in the church require verbal and relational skills that men may not possess. They demand proficiency with children, music, teaching, hospitality, or cooking, areas where women typically have more experience. A woman is so much more valuable in church than a man because her natural gifts and life experiences enable her to fill so many slots. Dr. John Gray warns, “Not to be needed is slow death for a man.”1 You crush a man’s spirit when you reject his gifts. So how can we make men feel needed again?

Also, don’t forget exit points. Rick Warren writes, “To resign from a ministry in some churches, you’ve either got to die, leave the church or be willing to live with intense guilt.”8 One of the main reasons men do not step up to minister is the never-ending commitment that’s implied. But ask a man for a short-term commitment, and he’s more likely to say yes. When he reaches the finish line, celebrate.

Your church does not need a men’s ministry program to reach men. In fact, I would not recommend you start one.

So if you build it, will they come? Not likely. Most guys could not care less about men’s ministry. They’re busy. They’re working. They’re pursuing their passions. Or they’re doing exactly what we always tell them to do: being good husbands and fathers. Going to their kids’ activities. Spending time with their wives. When do they have time for men’s ministry?

Okay. So you’re thinking about turning your church into a men’s ministry program. Where do you begin? 1. Examine everything your church does through the eyes of a man, and ask yourself, “Would this intrigue/encourage/ interest a guy?” 2. Then start making little changes. One song at a time. One sermon at a time. One lace doily at a time. 3. Not to be self-serving, but study this book with your staff and elders. Make sure everyone is working off the same page.

That’s how a church becomes a men’s ministry. It’s not about turning the worship service into a monster truck rally. It’s about taking what’s already being done and removing the man-repellent stuff. Many of these changes occur in the background. They’re imperceptible to the majority of parishioners. Once your Sunday routine becomes a haven for men, you’ll see more of them in church.

Men’s ministry so often falters for this simple reason: it’s actually women’s ministry for men. When Christian men gather, they’re expected to build relationships the way women do. Men’s ministry is built around the needs and expectations of women—or more precisely, the churchy guys who show up for men’s ministry events.

Here are four basic truths about men and relationships: 1. Relationships scare a man to death, but they are his deepest need. 2. Men don’t usually use the word relationship about other men. 3. Women bond face-to-face, whereas men bond side by side. 4. Enduring male bonds are formed under pressure.

When the Lord started his ministry, one of his first tasks was to gather twelve men and forge them into a band of brothers. Did it ever occur to you that Jesus might have been trying to show us something? Maybe the basic unit of God’s church is not the individual, the committee, the Bible study circle, or even the congregation. Maybe it’s the small men’s group. What if the key to transforming our world is transforming men in little teams?

Think of the sheer lunacy of Jesus’ method. The Lord bypassed the top draft picks, choosing instead a dozen run-of-the-mill guys. They had jobs. Some had wives. Several were foul-mouthed commercial fishermen. One was a politico. One had a problem with greed. One was a government employee. There was not a religious expert among them. Indeed, if you picked twelve guys at random from the back rows of your church, you’d probably assemble a more talented, educated group than Jesus did.

SO WHO’S TO BLAME FOR CHRISTIANITY’S GENDER GAP? MEN? Women? Pastors? Musicians? Authors? Businessmen? Yes. We’re all part of a religious delivery system that reaches more women than men. Most Christians are happy with this system. It works for us. We’ve gotten used to Christianity being the way it is, and frankly, we can’t imagine it any other way. Jesus encountered a religious delivery system that worked well for insiders—everyone else be cursed. And it angered him. He said to the Pharisees, “You shut the kingdom of heaven in men’s faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to.”