Why Men Hate Going to Church

by David Murrow

This is one reason many Christian men hide their faith from other men. They’re not ashamed of Christ; they’re ashamed of feminization.

Doggone it. Can’t men just get over this obsession with manliness? No, they can’t. You might as well ask a woman to get over her maternal instincts. The need to be manly is universal and buried deep—the product of a thousand generations of conditioning. Manliness is not something a man does; it’s a vital part of who he is.

There are two Jesuses afoot in the world today. They are both based on a partial understanding of Christ. I call one the Lamb of God; the other, the Lion of Judah.

It is no coincidence that C. S. Lewis chose a lion as the Christ-figure in his Chronicles of Narnia series. Had he chosen a lamb to portray Aslan, no boy would have read his books.

The great evangelist Charles Finney wrote in the 1830s: “Women composed the great majority of members in all churches.” Even in the post–Civil War Bible Belt, one observer wrote, “The altars of our churches are pitiably devoid of young men,” and, “There has scarce been a religious young man here in years.”3

But Victorian ministers learned that an angry God did not connect with audiences that ran up to 75 percent female. So they replaced him with the Lamb of God, a warm, comforting deity who matched the sensibilities of the predominantly female congregation. “Jesus, Lover of My Soul” was a perfect companion and protector for women whose husbands had little time for them.

This softening of God has been going on for about two hundred years and shows no signs of stopping.

Victorian pastors may have been sissy, but they weren’t stupid. With their flocks predominantly female, they knew their careers depended on their ability to keep women happy and engaged.

Before the Victorian era, children’s ministry as we know it today did not exist. There were no special programs for the little ones; they simply attended services with their parents. But in the 1800s an innovative pastor looked out on his flock and saw the future: Squirmy children + lonely grandmothers = opportunity.

Children’s ministry was an instant smash hit. No other program has done more to cement women’s commitment to church.

Here is the politically incorrect truth: there are measurable, verifiable differences in the way men and women perceive the world. Whether these differences are hard-wired or socially programmed is beside the point. They exist. Men and women respond favorably to different things. They’re attracted to different things. They’re repelled by different things.

The feminization of Christian culture is not a conspiracy—it’s simply the result of an institution and industry finding its market. When Christian manufacturers target women, they make more money. When religious broadcasters target women, they get bigger audiences. And when churches target women, they get more volunteers. It’s a simple numbers game.

In every Christian bookstore in America, the women’s section is bigger than the men’s section—usually three to four times bigger. Savvy booksellers know women buy about 75 percent of Christian products, so they work hard to create an atmosphere of femininity. The moment a man walks into a religious shop, he knows he’s out of his element.

So what’s the answer? Start wrapping the gospel in a manly package? Here’s a better idea: Why not remove the girlie packaging the Christian-industrial complex has wrapped around the Christian faith? Lift up Christ as he is, and he will draw all men.

The Bible never describes our love for God in such erotic terms. The men of Scripture loved God, but they were never desperate for him or in love with him. Men are looking for a male leader—not a male lover.

The transition from old worship to new worship has proceeded with amazing speed. And few people recognize the hidden hand behind this revolution: the Christian music industry and its lust for profit.

In church, the unspoken assumption is that men are broken and in need of repair. Nancy Wray Gegoire writes, “I’ve often noticed that sermons on Mother’s Day tend to gush over moms, while on Father’s Day they tell dads to shape up.”13 No wonder men skulk away like dogs that have been kicked one time too many.

Here’s what I want to know: just who decided that the lecture-style sermon was the best way to teach people about Jesus? According to many studies, a long, uninterrupted monologue is the least effective way to teach people anything.4 And who has the hardest time learning from a lecture? Men.

People are more comfortable thinking of Jesus as having the gifts that come naturally to a woman. Therefore, Christians tend to use feminine vocabulary when describing their faith.

Another term from the feminine side is sharing. Christians often say things like, “Steve, would you please share with us what the Lord has placed on your heart?” Regular men don’t talk this way. It sounds too much like kindergarten. Imagine a gang member saying to one of his brothers, “Blade, would you please share with us how you jacked that Mercedes?”

Just like personal relationship with Jesus, the Scriptures never use the term intimacy with God. And lest you think I’m dirty minded, whenever the words passionate or intimate appear in the Bible, they always refer to sex or lust between humans.

When a man loves another man, he uses the language of respect. “Hey Joe, you’re a stand-up guy. I admire you.” Men do not speak of passionate, intimate, or even personal relationships with their leaders or male friends. Can you imagine a couple of bikers having this conversation? ROCCO. Hey, Spike, let’s go for a ride in the desert so we can develop a passionate relationship. SPIKE. Sure, Rocco. I’d like to enjoy some intimacy with you.

Conservative churches may oppose homosexuality, but their imagery is sending another message entirely. The more they describe Christianity as a passionate, intimate relationship, the more nervous men become.

This femme décor sends a powerful subconscious message to men: you are out of place. The moment men set foot in the vestibule, they look around and get the same uneasy feeling they experience in a fabric store, a flower shop, or any other female-oriented locale.

But men seem to prefer vertically focused worship—that is, up toward God. Personal expression makes the focus horizontal—across the aisle toward our neighbor.

Once a church’s adult attendance is 70 percent female, you can write its obituary.

Eventually the church is no longer fishing for men. Instead, it’s creating a comfortable aquarium for the saints. Members no longer go to church anticipating a life-altering encounter with God. Instead, they come to see friends and to participate in a comforting ritual that’s changed little since childhood.

Sherry was not renouncing her faith; she was simply moving on to another church. In a kingdom, this is standard procedure. The king moves his troops around as he sees fit. Soldiers are assigned to different platoons as the need arises. Personnel come and go. We say good-bye, we mourn, and we move on. But in a family, we stay together through thick and thin. Family members don’t come and go. The greatest tragedy is the loss of a member. It’s like a death in the family.

Once a church adopts a family-of-God mentality, one ill-tempered member can literally hold the congregation hostage.

A healthy, kingdom-minded church does not negotiate with terrorists. When they threaten, strong leaders call their bluff. Leaders say, “We’re sorry you’re angry. We pray that God uses you mightily in your next church. Good-bye and God bless you.” Healthy leaders see the departure of a member not as a death in the family, but as the king moving a soldier to another platoon.

In the 1980s, a Sunday school curriculum publisher decided to do some market research. He discovered that most of his product was purchased by married, middle-aged women. So he asked these ladies what they disliked about traditional curriculum. They spoke with one voice: “The pictures!” They thought Christ seemed frightening and unkind. Instead, they preferred to see pictures of a friendly Jesus doing fun things—preferably smiling, with children on his lap.

Not only was the new Jesus sissy, but most of the new illustrations placed him in the presence of children. And what’s wrong with that? Nothing—as long as you also show Jesus among men.

Clever marketing has done its damage—by catering to the women who buy curriculum, publishers have unwittingly sabotaged the faith of young men.

Every young man comes to the day when he puts away childish things.3 And thanks to the way we portray Jesus in Sunday school, Christ has become a childish thing.

Girls thrive in this emotional hothouse, but most boys melt and evaporate. Before you know it, you’ve got nineteen girls and five guys at youth group. And there’s not a jock among the guys.

Why is a church lite youth group so injurious to boys? It’s a very sedentary experience. It’s a lot of singing, sitting, and listening. It’s designed to stimulate the mind and emotions, leaving the body out of the equation. What’s wrong with this? Boys are kinetic creatures. Young men need to move. During their teens, boys’ bodies are awash in testosterone. It makes them aggressive, risk taking, and fidgety. Healthy kinetic activity is one of the keys to unlocking a young man’s heart.

The whole youth group package is boy-repellent. Young men feel oddly out of place but don’t know why. Standing in a darkened room for twenty-five minutes, singing love songs to a man, feels pointless at best. Endless “talks” about relationships and purity do nothing to fire their imaginations. Some secretly wonder, I’m supposed to like this, but I’m just not into it. Is there something wrong with me?

I’ll wrap up this chapter with a quote from a man who used to torture me once a month. His name was Dr. L. S. McGuffey—my orthodontist. McGuffey hung a plaque in his examination room that read, “Ignore your teeth . . . and they’ll go away.” So it is with men. When churches ignore their men, they soon find themselves without many. Donations, volunteerism, evangelism, and attendance all suffer. But give men a little attention, and they respond. The church grows.

The good news is any church can attract and retain men. You don’t need a twelve-million-dollar campus, a thirty-by-forty video screen, or a pastor with a goatee. Any church, regardless of its size, staffing, and budget, can do it. But it’s not enough to copy one or two things they’re doing at the megachurch. You have to create a culture that welcomes men. Again, there’s no need to alter the gospel, Jesus, doctrines, or core beliefs.

On its face, this strategy sounds radical (or sexist). But Christ did the same thing. He did not recruit a diverse group of men, women, and children. Instead, he focused like a laser on a homogenous group of twelve guys.

It’s not just what megachurches have added—it’s what they’ve subtracted that brings in men. Gone is the homespun décor so common in family churches. There’s not a quilt, a felt banner, or a needlepoint on any wall. The Communion table has disappeared, along with the lace tablecloth and flower arrangements that adorned it.

All right, you small-church members. The purpose of this chapter is not to say, “Megachurches are doing everything right, and you’re doing everything wrong.” It’s simply my attempt to pull back the curtain and show you the hidden secret to their meteoric growth—men. And here’s the good news: you don’t have to be a megachurch to get guys. Churches of all sizes can attract men and experience the growth and health they bring. As my friend Kenny Luck, men’s minister at Saddleback Church, likes to say, “There is no move of God without men of God.” If you want the Lord to move in your church, go for the guys.

Pastor, you don’t have to be Arnold Schwarzenegger to attract men, but the more trappings of manhood, the better. Men will judge you by the clothes you wear, the car you drive, and the hobbies you pursue. (Not fair, but it’s true.) The more time you spend outdoors, the better.

Men want a pastor who proclaims the gospel with boldness, unashamedly and unapologetically, but not with a condemnation or guilt. Thom Rainer asked the formerly unchurched what they liked in a pastor, and he reported, “Numerous times we heard how these pastors were strong in their convictions but gentle in spirit.”7

There’s a lot of teaching going on in church, but not much learning. These days the gospel is not so much falling on deaf ears—it’s bouncing off of overloaded brains.

Too many preachers and teachers still communicate as if it’s 1875. They assume people are absorbing what they say. But the church lost its communication monopoly decades ago. It sounds so spiritual to say, “Well, I’ll just preach God’s Word and leave the results to him. I know his Word won’t return void.” Reality check: the vast majority of Christian teaching today returns void. The church is one of many voices screaming for people’s attention. These days a man can flip out his smartphone and watch TV, check his messages, or play a game right in the middle of a worship service.

Above all, don’t just pop PowerPoint text bullets up on the screen. Men do not remember words—they remember images.

That day, while I sat cruising at thirty-five thousand feet, God showed me a simple truth: it is not the length of your teaching but its impact that changes men’s hearts. All things being equal, shorter is better for men. Lengthy sermons and lessons are generally a turn-off for guys. (African-American churches, known for three-hour worship services and ninety-minute sermons, suffer the largest gender gaps.)

Even a boring preacher can keep his audience’s attention if he’s brief. (I know you are never boring. I’m talking to the other guys.) Don’t wander here and there—get to the point and toss everything that doesn’t relate to the point. If you have more to say than can be said in a few minutes, break your teaching into shorter segments. This is how I teach at men’s retreats: I speak for ten minutes, and then I allow the men to discuss for ten minutes. Men love this format.

Laughing changes a man from a detached listener into a participator. And men love to laugh. They are the primary viewers of the Comedy Central cable channel, and they are the biggest fans of late-night TV comedians. A church that is full of laughter and fun will soon find itself full of men—and young people too.