The Chimp Paradox: The Acclaimed Mind Management Programme to Help You Achieve Success, Confidence and Happiness

by Steve Peters

The Human would like to be popular and gain approval by others, but recognises that you shouldn’t be worried about what others think and you should not be concerned if others are unhappy because it is their responsibility to make themselves happy and not yours. So the Human actually shares a lot of the desires of the Chimp but for very different reasons.

However, we need a balance because we do live in a society and it would be unreasonable not to treat everyone with respect and some Human warmth. This balance can be struck by allowing your Human to make a rule to be personable and approachable to everybody. However, accept the Chimp’s rule that not everyone is in your troop, do not become personal with everybody and thereby protect yourself from emotional harm. This time listen to your Chimp!

However, if the Chimp fails to recognise who is in the troop, and tries to please and gain approval from

everyone, then the troop drive is out of control. So if you are stuck with thoughts such as trying to keep everyone happy, always trying to impress others, always needing to get approval or worrying about what others think, then it is likely that your troop drive is out of control. Sit down and redefine your troop (see the exercise at the end of the chapter). Decide who is in it and then work to please them and get your reassurance from them. Other troops are unlikely to welcome you! Of course, it helps to be friendly towards everyone and to be civil. Just recognise the danger of an out-of-control troop drive.

Beware of allowing the Chimp to decide on the troop. Just because somebody lived in the same town as you, shared a similar experience, is admirable or wealthy, doesn’t mean that they belong in your troop. The Chimp works on feelings to select its troop and they can be unreliable. It is therefore important to realise who we are bringing in to the troop and why – what role do they fulfil? Remember first impressions are made by the Chimp and can be wrong (though they can also be correct). We may be excluding valuable troop members or including disruptive and inappropriate troop members

The Human has quite a different agenda. The Human within us would like to be surrounded by people of like mind, who can offer friendship and companionship. The Human chooses these people on the significant qualities that they possess that are found in the Humanity Centre. These qualities are things such as integrity, honesty, selflessness, remorse, positive outlook, a sense of humour, and so on. These people will nurture and develop us as people by understanding us, looking out for us and at times confronting us with a reality check on our outlook and behaviour. We also look for Humans that are reliable and predictable. Predictable Humans usually mean that they have good management of their

Chimps and we don’t see their Chimp get out very often. If their Chimps do get out then the chances of attack from them are slim. The Human is therefore looking for soul mates, spiritual companions and friends.

In its severe form, this is not uncommonly seen when a person has such low self-esteem that their Chimp allows their partner to beat them up, physically or psychologically, and then remain with them. The Chimp then offers excuses such as ‘but they are a kind person’ and ‘you don’t know them like I do’. (Thank goodness we don’t.) Any woman or man who is being abused in this way could learn to recognise what is happening and work with their Chimp’s emotions and learn to build self-esteem and self-respect to replace insecurity. This is not an easy task and professional help is often needed.