Unhinged

by Vera Valentine

The thought of that warmed me down to my threshold.

I strained at my hinges, wishing I could fly out in the wrong direction and break the man’s nose.

a strangely-dressed man entered the hallway from the darkness, his silhouette impressively tall and broad. Draped in white swaths of robes, he wore a golden circlet on his creased brow, and his odd garments parted at his shins to reveal a pair of leather sandals. Somehow, not a drop of rain had marred his clothing, silver-shot hair and beard, or deeply tanned skin. The only illumination in the dark corridor came from the man himself, glowing from within like a firefly.

Hera has told me I must make some….amends…for my affairs.

You fuck one girl as a weather event, or a bird, or her own husband and all of a sudden you’re the bad guy.”

If I could have responded, I’d offer that this Hera seemed to have reasonable complaints, if the two of them had been committed to one another at the time.

Uh, the thing is, you’re made of solid oak, that’s one of my sacred trees.

there was this perfectly-positioned knothole on this really sexy tree and the mead was flowing freely-”

My brother Hades mentioned that the skinny twit I’ve seen lurking around your girl sent a woman to the underworld recently.”

A favor, huh? So, what, do you want me to oil your hinges?”

I scrubbed the back of my neck with a palm, uncomfortable with Tana’s sudden shift in mood. Why was she so unhappy? She always seemed to be in a very good mood when she used her shivering blue stick.

I didn’t realize my goddamn front door was a voyeur

Oh my god, what am I saying, fuck my underwear, he could have killed me in my sleep.”

The incontinent little demon was blind, half deaf, and mostly bald, but unfortunately he could bark endlessly.

Randall quickly shoved his stolen bounty into a coat pocket, swiping a dirty sleeve across his nose and sniffling loudly as he yanked me open again.

If I hadn’t already been made of wood, I’d be stiff as a board at the sight.

feathery brown mop at the top of my head,

I held open his arms gingerly and, to my relief, Tana took the obvious invitation to comfort.

“So…what should I call you, then, door guy?” Yours

Right. My shockingly-attractive door has come to life after I fucked him, vowing to protect me against my murderous panty-sniffing super that broke in and poisoned my orange juice. Just another Thursday.”

“Drys, I think you’re allowed to steal a kiss, sweetheart. I kind of buried your knob in my pussy like, a few hours ago.” We both jumped at a metallic clang and a loud whumping noise as an entire display stack of boxes tumbled into the aisle. A red-faced woman, unable to meet our eyes, hastily backed her cart away from the point of collision and took off in the opposite direction.

Something about being called a good door made my human legs feel weak and shaky.

I set the spray aside to splay a palm on the dresser top, needing support at the gentle tease in her words.

I have a weakness for big, strong men who do as they’re told. Good boys who enjoy working for my praise.

Her free hand slid up my spine, fingers curling into my hair and gripping it, bowing me forward until my forehead touched the dresser top.

chasing instinct and sensation shamelessly.