Feeling Good Together: The secret to making troubled relationships work

by David D. Burns

You could think of Positive Reframing as a combination of the Disarming Technique and Stroking, but it’s more than that. You convey the idea that the conflict is actually a good thing, that no one has to feel ashamed or afraid of what’s happening, and that you’ll end up feeling closer because of the conflict. You emphasize that something good is happening and that something positive will emerge from the misunderstanding. Positive Reframing isn’t so much a technique as a way of thinking about a conflict. You can view any argument or disagreement as a chance to go to battle or as a chance to form a deeper and more meaningful relationship with the person you’re at odds with. It requires creativity, caring, thoughtfulness, and practice.

For example, if your son says something hostile that hurts your feelings, you could think about his remark as an expression of the hurt, loneliness, and frustration that’s simmering just under the surface. After all, if he didn’t really love you, he wouldn’t be feeling so upset.

If you can set your ego aside, it will become easier to see the other person’s nasty or adversarial behavior in a more positive and flattering light. But that can be challenging because it’s so easy to feel hurt or threatened by what’s happening, so we all tend to get defensive. When you use Positive Reframing, you resist the urge to go to war, and instead try to think about the conflict from a more positive perspective. If you share this vision with another person you’re at odds with and convey respect, the positive impact can be dramatic.

Instead of telling herself that she was a helpless victim who was under attack from a powerful and hostile adversary, she thought about the conflict as an opportunity to develop a more rewarding relationship with him. Her friendly and upbeat attitude was infectious and had an immediate positive impact on him.

This is another example of the Law of Opposites. We’ve talked about the fact that when you genuinely agree with a criticism that seems totally unfair or untrue, the critic will suddenly discover that the criticism isn’t true. By the same token, when someone refuses to talk to you, he’s also criticizing you, but he isn’t putting his criticism into words. He’s punishing you with silence. If you acknowledge that you’ve made it hard for that person to trust you, he’ll suddenly begin to trust you. The moment you agree that the other person has a darn good reason not to talk to you, he will nearly always open up.

There’s a natural tendency to get into a power struggle with someone who refuses to speak to us. Most of us get frustrated, so we pressure the other person to tell us what’s wrong. When she refuses, we subtly blame her and imply that she should be more open. This makes her clam up even more.