The Sea of Tranquility

by Katja Millay

I decline the coffee. I don’t drink it, because no matter how much sugar I put into it, it still tastes like ass-water to me.

#Facts!

I still wasn’t doing anything wrong. I was out in the sunlight in the middle of the day, not lurking in the dark. I wasn’t skipping school or sneaking out. I was going exactly where I was supposed to be going, exactly when I was supposed to be going there. He wasn’t after me. He didn’t even know who I was. They tell you it was random to make you feel blameless. But all I hear them telling me is that I have no control, and if I have no control, then I’m powerless. I would have preferred being blamed.

“People believe in God because they don’t believe in themselves. They need something else to depend on or to blame instead of taking responsibility for their own shit

“So what’s yours?” I ask. “My advice?” “No, your unforgivable thing. Apparently you must have one.” “Never thought about it.” She turns back to the window. “I’m guessing murder is out.” “Murder is out. You’d be dead, so the forgiveness would be a moot point.” “Not necessarily, but we’ll say so for the sake of argument. I guess I’d go with loving me too much.” “Loving you too much would be unforgivable? I’m going to pull a McAllister on you and require supporting details.” “Too many obligations. People like to say love is unconditional, but it’s not, and even if it was unconditional, it’s still never free. There’s always an expectation attached. They always want something in return. Like they want you to be happy or whatever, and that makes you automatically responsible for their happiness because they won’t be happy unless you are. You’re supposed to be who they think you’re supposed to be and feel how they think you’re supposed to feel because they love you, and when you can’t give them what they want, they feel shitty, so you feel shitty, and everybody feels shitty. I just don’t want that responsibility.”