The Best of All Possible Worlds

by Karen Lord

I began to swear.

Fucking professional...

She

Holy sudden transition, Batman

the scissors are out of the drawer and on the desk and the wastepaper basket is bristling with a meter-length’s worth of hair.

Ooh, she's *quirky*

Freyda had just proved herself to be a typical techie.

Didn't we already say she was, like, a world renowned biotech whatever?

her latest theory.

Pet peeve on this continuous vaguery regarding what the fuck they actually do

“So even Sadiri men find women interchangeable,” I scoffed under my breath.

And from way out of left field, romantic drama!

“Yeah, I’m a sad, sick person, jealous of a woman who died in the greatest genocidal attack since

Oh my god I don't care, and also holy hamhanded emotion, Batman

put paid to any lingering illusion of professionalism.

Oh don't worry, honey, I have no illusions about your unprofessionalism at this point

his wife, he’ll never admit it, it’s a stupid Sadiri thing, it’s up to you—go, go, GO!”

And suddenly we've gotten sucked through a wormhole into a fucking Nicolas Sparks novel...have I mentioned none of these characters has been developed enough for me to care?

“That’s an almost Cygnian streak of smug-bastardness you’re displaying there, Dllenahkh,”

Everyone seems like a smug asshole, honestly, our narrator absolutely included

It was all circles, wheels within wheels, a Standard year of three hundred sixty Standard days coiled up in twelve months, which in turn were composed of the small whirlings of twelve hours day and twelve hours night,

How convenient that it almost perfectly matches Earth timekeeping...

To be described as having a pilot’s mind was both curse and compliment; it could mean being unable to tell the difference between prophecy, memory, and mere déjà vu.

Insert gif of Bernard shouting "what? What does that mean?"

Behind closed doors, the council had wrangled over the mission proposal

Wrangled: I do not think it means what you think it means...

They were all clutching at straws,

So they use human idioms?

Candirú

DICKFISH, OH NO

Lian

Who the fuck are you?

We will have to live as close as family while maintaining a high standard of professionalism.

Well our dear narrator is fucked on that front...

This may or may not mean that Lian is asexual, though many of those who are registered as gender-neutral are indeed so.

*SIGH* I just...there's so much wrong here...

“They say it’s unlucky to urinate in the waters of Candirú,” he said. “It’s true. There’s a parasitic fish in the river that’ll swim up your urethra and get wedged in good and proper. Very painful.

OH HOW CUTE GET IT LIKE AN EASTER EGG HA FUCKING HA

Pincushion plants and perverted parasitic fish. I could tell this place was going to be lovely.

Ah, the exotic alien life of...Earth.

it did not rain during the time we were there.

...abrupt time jump or awkward hindsight narration?

meters and toggled the last few switches.

Ah yes, meters and switches, typical of all genetic lab work...

Once the bio tests were all finished, there wasn’t much for me to do,

That lab work isn't your field but you have nothing else to do...what the fuck is your job?

Darithiven.

Too many D names, guys

ludicrously wide-eyed with shock and amusement.

Why is that shocking your characters are not developed enough for me to see this as a break in character

Perhaps it was because they were both spouses and colleagues, but they were such an annoyingly cozy little self-contained unit.

How dare they be close when they're married. Totally unprofessional, says the least professional person in the group

I would not allow him to forget that whatever rank he held in his own little patch of marsh, Dr. Daniyel and I represented the government that allowed him to exercise that rank.

FUCK YOU

We did everything right. It still felt like a retreat.

That's because it was, you dipshit

Feeble, I know, but amazingly it got a response.

Well I'm glad that was easy

We could pretend we were still functional when lurching from crisis to crisis;

What other crisis have you had?

he repeated with the most brilliant and beautiful smile that I never expected to see on a Sadiri.

That's a weird sentence

“Yes, ma’am. Thank you. I hope I can get my friend to come talk to you directly.”

I'm sure with thIs masterful subtlety she has no idea who you're talking about...

come in for an inquiry about the situation in Candirú, which remained volatile.

Well considering it's been like eight hours...

I hoped she wouldn’t think I was just taking advantage, though in a way I was,

How is that not? "Hey I know I'm on a mission but can I just take a couple days off and get an all expenses paid trip and also fuck this guy who is supposedly my friend, he can figure shit out his own damn self"

My heart lightened. It was going to be just fine.

Wait, were we worried? About what? STOP CREATING FALSE TENSION

I sighed, smiling slightly. Blood is blood, you know? There’s too much shared history and too many cross-connecting bonds to ever totally extract yourself from that half-smothering, half-supporting, muddled net called family.

You live in a different fucking state and apparently never even call, how are you fucking smothered? Didn't you just specifically ask to see them?

and I was retired and properly eccentric.

How old is she? Too old for Dude to date, but young in her career...yet more inconsistency

She looked older than me,

Little Gracie did? Then tell her to quit sucking her thumb

He had been my fiancé once.

AWKWARD

She tumbled from the stepladder into my outstretched arms for a hug.

I thought she was too shy and didn't know you

He didn’t seem to notice, or care, because he moved with me in a slight sway, appearing to relish the lengthy embrace.

So fucking awkward

“No, Ioan. That doesn’t work on me, remember?” I tugged my hand free and kept going, trying to ignore the echo in my head … Shadi … Shadi.

You both suck

How did we get from “visiting more often” to “moving in entirely”?

Because this whole book is wild narrative leaps and excessively dramatic characters

“Rafi! You apologize to your aunt right now!”

For WHAT, saying she should live her own life? How is that a grievous insult?

Then something buzzed on my wrist, distracting me. I slapped at it absently, and it went away.

Wild guess, her future romantic interest is calling and she ignored him

Then one afternoon,

You're only there two days, this sounds like a week or more...consistency!

“Then explain it to me. Here you have people who love you, who want you to be part of the family, and you act like you can barely stand to see us!” Her voice cracked.

SUDDENLY, FAMILY DRAMA

“I didn’t mean for her to get that intense. She always was a little too susceptible,” Ioan replied with a sad, sweet smile.

Holy shit what a fuckstick

“Happy little puppets,” I spat, gripping my right wrist in an effort not to slap him. “I should report you to the authorities.”

Oh good let's just introduce a brainwashing abusive husband subplot that I'm sure will be very important

But Rafi knew where to go, and in a little while a growing, humming vibration that had been pressing on my ears turned into a recognizable noise. It was the shuttle,

How the fuck does the kid know