Whispered Prayers

by Alex Grayson

Once we make it to the porch, we stomp our feet, trying to get the clumps of snow off our boots. “Can I name one of your puppies?” Daniel asks, slapping his gloves together. “Sure,” I answer. “Got any ideas yet?” “Uh-huh. I want to name the black one with the white on his face Pepper, because he looks like a Peppermint Pattie and it’s my favorite candy.” “That’s a good choice.” Right as I’m reaching for the doorknob, it’s pulled open and Gwen’s standing there. Not expecting her sudden appearance, I take a step back. Her eyes go from Daniel to me then back down to Daniel. “Did you have fun?” she asks, stepping back and letting us enter. “Yes!” Daniel says exuberantly. “I got to feed the horses apples and pet them. They were so pretty, Mom!” She smiles and sets to helping him unbundle. “I’m glad you had a good time. You about ready for some hot chocolate to warm up? Your hands are freezing.” I take my hat and gloves off and drop them in the small basket by the door, then hang my coat on the hook and start working on my boots. “Yeah, but can Mr. Alexander make it again?” he asks, unknowingly insulting his mother’s hot-chocolate-making skills. She winks at me, then feigns shock. This playful side of Gwen is intriguing to watch. I don’t tell jokes, and I don’t laugh at them. My life is very stale, and it’s the way I want it. Laughing and smiling isn’t something I do anymore, as there’s really nothing to laugh and smile about, but since she’s been around, I find myself wanting t...

I gather the necessary ingredients and set to making hot chocolate. It’s a recipe my mom used when I was a kid. My mom was never the type to buy already prepared food. She made everything from scratch. She also made sure her kids knew how to cook. Gwen steps up beside me as I heat the milk in a saucepan. “Thank you for taking him with you. He doesn’t get the chance very often to spend time with a man and he needs that.” I look at her out the corner of my eye, and see her running her finger over a scratch on the counter surface. “It was no problem. He’s a good kid.” She nods. “He is. I hate knowing he’s not getting the experiences and advice he needs from his dad.” Her voice trails off, and I glance over at her. She’s looking at the wall ahead of her. There’s nothing there, so I know she’s in her own head, probably remembering something about her husband, or maybe silently wishing he was still here. It’s already painful that she lost her husband, but having to raise two kids on her own, knowing they’ll never see their dad again…. I can’t imagine the pain. “Seems like he’s doing okay to me,” I say, attempting to make her feel better. I don’t like knowing she’s in pain, which is strange for me, because it’s been a long time since I’ve really cared about how someone else feels. “Thanks,” she says. She grabs some mugs from the cabinet as I remove the pan from the burner and set it on a cool one. She watches as I finish making the hot chocolate. Neither of us say anything. Norma...

Daniel, as expected, bounds up to the bar, Kelsey walking placidly behind him. It hurts something deep inside me every time I look at her and see the unhidden anguish in her eyes. I feel for this girl because I go through the same pain every day. The kids sit at the bar and enjoy their hot drinks while Gwen and I stand by and watch. Daniel chatters nonstop about the horses he saw. The pure joy on his face as he talks animatedly makes my heart hurt a little less. My eyes stray to Gwen every few seconds, watching, but hoping she doesn’t catch me. She’s looking at her son with a smile on her face, genuinely enjoying his energetic rambling. When Daniel mentions coming back once the weather is warmer so he can ride a horse, her eyes stray to me for a moment before going back to him. “We’ll see.” Deep down inside a place that’s been dormant for years, I hope she does decide to come back. I want to be around these people more. They distract me from my own pain. Not that I’m glad they carry pain, but it reminds me that I’m not alone in the world. There are others out there suffering just as much. In less than two days, this small family has helped quiet the screams in my head, something...

Gwen goes to the laundry room to fold the few pieces of clothes she washed. She offered to wash mine earlier along with hers, but I declined. I know she’s only trying to help because her and her kids are staying here a few days, but I’ve told her several times, there’s no need. She insists on cooking though. I didn’t argue. I may know how to cook but it’s been a long time since I’ve had someone do it for me. And as much as I thought it would freak me out having another woman here doing something such as cooking, it hasn’t. That doesn’t mean it won’t later. I keep waiting for the nerves to hit, but so far, they haven’t. I leave the kitchen and go to the living room. Kelsey’s on one end of the couch, drawing pad in her lap, so I take the other end. I grab the remote from the coffee table and switch the TV on, but keep the volume low. I can feel her eyes on me, but I keep my head forward. We stay like this for a while, me seemingly ignoring her, and her looking at me out the corner of her eye every so often. Keeping my eyes on the TV, I ask, “Do you like cartoons?” I’m met with silence, which doesn’t surprise me. However, she does turn her head my way. I turn to face her as well. Her eyes are still blank, but underneath the emptiness, I see something lurking. Something that tells me she wants to let go so badly and be part of the world again, but is afraid to. “What are you drawing?” I ask, then look down at the drawing pad. Her hand is covering part of the paper, so I can’t ...

“Please, God, just let my daddy come home,” Kelsey’s tearful voice whispers. “And please tell him I’m sorry. I miss him so much. I just want to hug him again and tell him I love him.” Her voice is lower when she finishes. “In Jesus’ name, amen.”

Hearing those words whispered in such an agonizing way damn near suffocates me. It’s hard to pull in air because the weight on my chest is so heavy. I don’t get emotional. I’ve cried once as an adult, but right now, this eight-year old’s excruciating words have tears springing to my eyes. The need to rush in there and take her in my arms is almost overwhelming. Only knowing it’s not my place keeps me on this side of the door. Kelsey’s quiet after that. No more words are whispered. Obviously, Gwen’s asleep and didn’t hear her, because I know I would have heard her consoling her daughter, if not crying along with her. With one last look at the door and my heart heavy, I walk away and go back to the couch.

It takes me a long time to drift off to sleep, and when I finally manage to, it’s a restless sleep filled with the whispered prayers of a broken girl.

I WALK DOWN THE hallway, rubbing sleep from my eyes, when I hear Daniel laughing. When I awoke a few minutes ago, I was alone in the bed. For a split second, panic had me scrambling to get the covers off to search for them, but then I realized where I was. I may not know Alexander, but the way he’s been with the kids the last couple of days, he seems like a good guy. That may be naïve of me, but I like to think my instincts are good.

I walk by one of the living room windows, I see a thick layer of snow falling. The thought of the snow not letting up, forcing us to stay longer, doesn’t fill me with the dread you’d think it would. It does the opposite, in fact. I want to be here longer. I feel comfortable here. I like being near Alexander. I spot Daniel and Kelsey at the bar, while Alexander leans back against the counter watching them, a small smile playing on his lips. The man is already striking, despite his scars, but when he smiles, it almost knocks the breath out of me. When he laughed yesterday at Daniel’s comment about Alexander’s hot chocolate being better than mine, all I could do was stare. It was the first time I’d seen him smile or laugh and the look on his face was nothing but beautiful. It sent butterflies to my stomach. The surprise on his face when he realized he was laughing said he’s not used to doing it. Daniel laughs again and it pulls me from my thoughts of Alexander’s beautiful face. He’s always been a happy boy, but I don’t remember him being quite this cheerful. For some reason, he’s taken an extra liking to Alexander. I wouldn’t have pegged Alexander as the type to willingly spend time with a boy Daniel’s age, but I’m glad he’s going out of his way to be nice to him.

I walk into the kitchen and find out why Daniel was laughing. Gigi has her puppies on the floor trying to gently play with them, but all she’s managing to do is knock them off their feet and onto their backs. What has me surprised and my heart stopping in my chest is the almost-smile on Kelsey’s face as she watches momma dog and her puppies. It’s not touching her mouth, but it’s definitely there in her eyes. I see more animation on her face than I’ve seen in years. I think Alexander plays a big role in that too. Her interest in him is unmistakable. Last night, the look on her face when he said her drawing was beautiful had me wanting to burst into tears. Thankfully, I managed to hold them back. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit jealous Alexander’s gotten more of a reaction out of Kelsey than I have in years, but seeing her eyes showing more than just lifelessness far outweighs the emotion. Alexander sees me approaching and whips around to stir something in a pot. I walk up beside him to find him cooking eggs and grits. “Need any help?” I ask, then grab a mug and fill it with the coffee that’s calling my name. “I got it,” he grunts. I look over at him and see a frown on his face. “Everything okay?” “Yeah. Just didn’t sleep well last night.” Guilt tightens my chest. It’s my fault he’s on the couch and not in his big comfortable bed. “I’m sorry,” I tell him. “I noticed the snow still coming down. Tonight, the kids and I will take the couch and chair so you can have yo...