Powerless (The Powerless Trilogy, #1)

by Lauren Roberts

Then Kai’s eyes flick to me, flick over me. The future Enforcer is resisting his urge for revenge and instead scanning my body for injuries. The thought has me swallowing the lump in my throat as his gaze lingers on the gash still gushing on my head before slowly sliding to my neck, which is likely already bruising. Then his eyes dart to something far behind me. The flag. No one has made it there yet, too busy fighting and focused on revenge to break away. When I look back at Kai, his eyes are already trained on me. “Go,” he murmurs the word, nodding toward the flag that will bring me victory. “Win this damn thing, Gray.”

And then I’m suddenly standing beneath it, looking up at my prize. Looking up at my victory. And no one stops me as I rip off the flag.

Funny how killing makes me feel most alive.

My only regret is that I didn’t have more time to play with him, and if I were a better man, that thought might have repulsed me.

I watched Paedyn meet my eyes and grant me a gift. The gift of a life. The gift to take a life. She handed Ace over to me despite wanting to dole out his death herself. She let me have my revenge without even knowing that it was partially for her. Because before I wanted to kill Ace for nearly killing Jax, I wanted to kill Ace for nearly killing Paedyn.

Death is no stranger to me. I’ve killed more than I can count, and the blood clinging to my hands and staining my soul can never be scrubbed clean. And yet, she looked at me as if I was deserving of Ace, of kindness, of— Her. I only want to be deserving of her.

I may have cheated Death of its intended victim, but I gave it a life, nonetheless.

But I wouldn’t hesitate to do it again, and again, and again to save that silver-haired girl. Quite the team, Death and I.

I all but handed the victory to her, choosing revenge over winning. Torture over triumph. I wonder if Father knows this. Knows that I let her walk over to that flag without another thought. Knows that I smiled at the sight of her, strong and sure, as she raised that flag into the air.

Lose and you are nothing.

It doesn’t matter how strong the king made him. The prince before me has been nothing but a pawn created by the man he calls Father. The thought makes me sick, makes me want to scream.

People aren’t born strong; they’re made that way. And the prince and I know that better than most.

I press my lips together to smother my smile. The future Enforcer is willing to listen to me ramble about fruit. The thought has me on the verge of both bursting out in laughter and blushing from head to toe.

“I take it back,” he says softly. “This game isn’t boring in the least bit when I play it with you.” His gaze has dropped to the fingers gliding over my arm, and I still under his gentle touch.

Kai sits up beside me and wraps his jacket around my shoulders. “You’re right. That coat is far too itchy for a prince to wear.” Then his lips twitch into a smirk. “So, I’ll let you wear it instead.”

“Do you trust me?” The words taste like ash in my mouth, and yet they slide off my tongue like silk. My chest constricts, and yet I breathe a little deeper. My knees threaten to shake, and yet I stand a little taller. You are betraying one man to save the lives of hundreds. To save the lives of your people.

Her hair. It must be that beautiful, silver hair of hers. But what my eyes land on is not beautiful. No, it is broken. She is covered in blood, sitting in a pool of it. Tears are streaming down her face, now contorted in agony. Pain beyond belief. Suffering beyond saving.

I never wanted her blood on my hands. Never her blood.

Sobs are racking her body, and I’m holding the knife still while she desperately tries to sink it into her beautiful heart. “My heart hurts.” More sobs. More cries to let her die. This is wrong. This is so very wrong. Paedyn is too strong, too stubborn, too special. She can’t die. I won’t allow it. Not by her hand or anyone else’s. Her screams are splitting my soul, my head, my heart.

Now I’m begging. I’m begging her to stay. To live. For me.

My mind is numb. My heart is numb. Everything is numb. She’s smiling in death, as though happy to be rid of life. Happy to be rid of me. I am grief. I am sorrow. I am anguish alike. I think I might also be dead. Just decaying on the inside.

Screams. I’ve never heard agony in such a raw form.

“Kai!” I’m annoyed that I care so much. Annoyed that I care whether he is hurting or not. Annoyed that I can’t bear to see him like this—

His eyes are haunted, filled with horrors as they wander around the room, refusing to meet my gaze. I can tell he is about to get off me without a word, and I refuse to let that happen. Refuse to forget this moment when the prince was merely a boy.

He expects everyone to leave him.

I feel secure and safe and more soothed in his arms than I have in years. I feel. Something about this, about us, seems different. Intentional. We both wanted this. We weren’t forced together because of the cold or because of an injury. I could have walked away, but I chose this. No, we chose this. We chose each other. And that terrifies me.

A smile he’s designed just for me.

“Are you going to sleep?” “Oh, darling, I’m already dreaming.”

I drift off to the feel of Kai braiding my hair, vaguely wondering if I should be afraid of how safe I feel with him. If I should be worried that I feel content and comforted in his arms. I feel happy. I feel words murmured into my ear, and the whisper of fingers stroking my hair. And then all I feel is blissful sleep.

I can’t tear my eyes from her. I can’t stray my thoughts from her. I can’t pry my body from her.

A messy masterpiece.

She shifts, and I still as she tucks her hands beneath the side of her face, now covered in strands of silver. Propped up on my elbow, I gently brush my fingers across her smooth skin, tucking her hair away so I can continue admiring the face I’d been in the middle of memorizing.

I hurt her. Though a little scratch means nothing to the girl who’s used to bleeding, it means everything to me. Killing is what I do. Killing and hurting are what I was trained to do, created to do, controlled to do. But not with her.

was one swift movement away from holding her very real corpse in my arms, and yet she did nothing to fight back. She held my face in her hands while I held her life in my own. She looked at me like I was worthy of being seen, like she wanted to see me. And when she said my name, the sound of it rolling off her tongue finally had my head clearing, heart racing, thoughts reeling. And then I asked her something I have never asked of anyone before. Stay.

The smile I give her is a real one, a rarity that has recently become a rather common occurrence when I’m in her presence.

Her gaze is burning, boring into mine, begging me to come closer. So I do. I can’t stay away from her. I don’t want to stay away from her. I’m sweeping hair out of her eyes, letting my fingers skim her skin. Simply touching her sends a shock through me, sets my heart racing. And I know she feels it too. Her eyes are flicking between mine and my mouth, lashes fluttering. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t stop myself from wanting this. Wanting her.

She flinches. The girl who has slain wolves, scaled mountains, and survived the slums just flinched. I’ve never seen anything like it. Never thought I would. The sight has my heart sinking, has me wanting to pull her into my arms and hold her there.

I don’t trust myself around her. Don’t trust myself not to reach out and touch her, taste her.

She always has been. That’s why she chose to be my enemy, my rival, rather than let herself feel—which is something I’m not accustomed to myself. I blame her for it. Blame her for cracking my carefully crafted mask, shattering it to pieces when she is around. I’ve never felt so much, never feared so much. But if I must endure the consequences that feeling something for her brings, then so does she.

Sparks. Electricity. Everything beautiful, everything bold, everything breathtaking—that is what I feel in her gaze. That, and terrified. Terrified of what she is doing to me. She is a vision, a nightmare, a dream. A grim reaper clad in black, come to steal my soul and my heart. I’ve never seen something so beautiful, so bold, so blatantly wrong for me. She is a devil. She is a deity. She is a man’s downfall in human form. She is my downfall.

And I’m left feeling empty besides the jealousy growing inside me. Why did I ever think I could have her, ever think she would have me? Because beasts don’t get the beauty.

But Kai is a very pressing problem. A very desirable distraction.

Smiling even as I betray the boy who has been nothing but kind to me.

Death is what these Trials bring—not honor, not glory, not happiness. Only death.

His mask slips, splinters, shatters, leaving only a boy beholding a girl like she is worthy of his wanting. And what terrifies me even more is that I think I might be looking at him the same way, looking at him with that same longing. Try as I might to fight it, I can’t help but long for this boy who has saved my life more times than I care to admit. This boy who is equally calculating and charming, equally cool and caring. The one who’s tended to my wounds, learned about my past, been my distraction when I needed it most. The one who understands me.

He doesn’t even know who I truly am. What I truly am. And if he did, he would kill me. Because that is what the Enforcer would do. Because that is what the king’s son would do. Because that is what he has been created to do. And for that reason, I push him away. Because if I don’t, I’ll pull him closer. And if I pull him closer, it will only end in a dagger being plunged through my heart. The heart that beats a little too fast when he is around, breaks a little too easily, and aches a little too much for him.

“I don’t know that I ever lived before laying eyes on the likes of you.”

“I don’t give a damn if you forget who I am in title, so long as you remember who I am to you.”

The smile that lights up his face stops me short, steals my breath. It’s one of those rare, real smiles of his that I confessed I wanted to see more of. One that belongs to me. Dimples. Both of them on display. Both distracting. Both devastating.

“I just love the sound of my name coming from your lips.”