The Fine Art of Small Talk: How to Start a Conversation, Keep It Going, Build Networking Skills – and Leave a Positive Impression!

by Debra Fine

Small talk has a bad rap as the lowly stepchild of real conversation, yet it serves an extremely important function. Without it, you rarely get to the real conversation. Small talk is the icebreaker that clears the way for more intimate conversation, laying the foundation for a stronger relationship.

Number two: Assume the burden. It is up to each and every one of us to assume the burden of conversation. It is our responsibility to come up with topics to discuss; it is up to us to remember people’s names and to introduce them to others; it is up to us to relieve the awkward moments or fill the pregnant pause.

Remember, even your closest confidante was once a stranger. Take the risk.

It had never occurred to me that shyness could be mistaken for arrogance. While shyness and arrogance are worlds apart, the visible manifestation of each can appear the same. People generally do not give others the benefit of the doubt in this regard. Don’t risk being taken as haughty or pretentious by keeping silent; it can cost you dearly.

Do you know the biggest social fear in America? It’s public speaking. And do you know the second? It’s fear of starting a conversation with a stranger. So remember when you walk into a luncheon or a cocktail party, most people there are scared to death to talk to you.

One of my all-time favorite ways to launch a conversation in a business or social setting and get to know someone is to ask one of the many iterations of What keeps you busy? It is an excellent query that does not pigeonhole others based on what they do for a living, if they are married, or if they have children. No labels; instead, sincere interest in how she spends her time, allowing for numerous directions in conversation.

I’ve found that you can’t lose with What do you do for fun? or What keeps you busy outside of work?

If a colleague introduces himself as “Michael,” don’t call him “Mike.” If he wanted you to call him “Mike,” he would have introduced himself that way. If someone has a difficult name, make the effort to learn it—do not shorten it to a nickname without permission!

If you are observant, you’ll get a lot of free information from people’s behavior. The way they speak and write can offer you small-talk starters. Notice if they are left-handed. You can inquire, Is it challenging being left-handed? What pet peeves do you have about it? Does the person have an accent? If so, you might say, I thought I heard an accent. What part of the country/world are you from? or What brought you here? or What do you miss the most about where you are from? or What do you enjoy about your new home?

When talking with people, behave as if there are no distractions in the room. It is always okay to disclose that you need to keep your eyes on the door because you promised to keep an eye out for a friend’s arrival. Then your lack of consistent eye contact is explained.

If you’re uncomfortable maintaining full-on eye contact with your conversation partner, look them right between the eyes. Somehow, this little shift will make both of you feel more comfortable. It can be disconcerting to have someone staring straight into your eyes.

A good compliment would be: You have a lovely home. Turn that into state-of-the-art flattery by saying: Your home is lovely. I really like all the photos you have—they personalize your home and give it a lot of warmth. Instead of saying, This is a great cup of coffee, consider, I love the richness of Indonesian Sumatra, and this is a great-size mug.

There are only three good reasons for interrupting. The first is that you need to exit immediately. The second is that the topic of conversation is too uncomfortable to bear, and you need to change the subject right away. And the third is if you are in the company of a monopolizer who has refused to offer you a natural break in the conversation for more than five minutes.

The truth is, most people don’t want advice—they want empathy, compassion, and simply to be heard. When the adviser rides in on her white horse to save the day, she minimizes the very person she’s trying to rescue. She presumes that in hearing a tiny snippet of another’s dilemma, she has an intimate understanding of the problem and knows the perfect solution. The adviser would do much better digging deeper to learn more about the issue and offering support instead of unsolicited solutions.

“Is there anything else I should know?” Whether you are selling, providing a service, negotiating, managing a difference of opinion with your spouse, or learning about your child’s difficult day, this is the perfect prescription to learning the rest of the story.

“If you’ve ever wondered what the right thing is to say to someone who is grieving a death, I think this is it: Tell me all about your dear one…”

When involved in a heated argument that’s headed nowhere, ask: “What proof would it take to change your mind?” If they can’t give you an answer, stop wasting your time.

The best dating advice I’ve heard is from a man who never asks for a date the first time he calls, texts, or emails. He exercises patience and waits until the second or third contact. Even then, he tries to suggest something that he might do with any friend, like a bike ride, a walk, or a gallery tour. This approach takes a little longer, but it builds real trust and affection before moving on to the heavier stuff. In the long run, he probably gets further faster and with a more satisfying outcome.